This is another one of those “I don’t want to do this, but I have to” moments in deciding if it’s worth doing a blog post. And yesterday, it was.
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Helping TJ out
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Start off by.. well, not really feeling like getting on (since Jero was the only true
reason), but TJ won’t stop.. well, asking me how my day (and night) are going. It’s more than obvious she has strong feelings for me, but I cannot share them back, as she’s in an open relationship. And I really wish she’d wake up and stop this “I’m Benie’s girl” stuff before she ends up getting herself (and me) in-trouble.
I don’t believe her BF would be willing to accept this. This is not how true open relationships work. She cannot legally say she’s ‘mine’. She belongs to her BF!
This is obviously why Kovo.. gave up trying to reason with her.
Though this could be more of a sign the two are having a rocky relationship and TJ’s not willing to tell me (or anyone else) the truth of this. I just… I don’t like how open-minded her BF is to this. I really need to talk to them, but at the same time.. I don’t know
them.
..I guess there are two different types of open relationships? A committed and non-committed type? Maybe. But, whatever. Rant over.
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I gave her what she wanted: time with me and some hot wild ERP. Hopefully this will get her off my back for awhile (the last time was a few weeks).
Anyway, let’s move on.
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Trying to fix my avatar’s face gestures
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A day before this night, I thought removing the ‘stand’ animation Atherian did from
the FX Controller would finally fix my ear gestures. Sadly it did not. But that’s not the only thing I’m noticing with this version of my avatar I have for JeroWorks 3.0: the only gestures that are working, are my eyes. Even the face move gestures are broken. I noticed this when I was in a call with catboy, and I was in VR and talking. I noticed when I said certain words, the visemes were causing spikes of texture to go into the avatar’s
cheeks (that’s the best I can explain it).
Catboy suggested to move all the animation clips from my working project, to this one. But I doubt this. I never once touched the main animations of the model. The only one that
did, was Atherian. He completely changed my StateParameters file to have less Ints and the like in order to give me more room. He criticized the way the model’s creator did
this.
But after what I’m seeing… I wonder if the creator did it, for a reason (and not that they weren’t thinking efficiently).
Maybe the model required all of that, to work correctly. All I know, is my regular version works perfectly (the version Atherian never touched). Of course, I haven’t uploaded it since and I’m scared to death if I do, it TOO will break (which will prove what I’m saying here is right). Of course, making a backup (a ‘test dummy’ if you will) as its own
avatar, would ensure I won’t overwrite the original.
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But let’s say I did, and it’s not from what Atherian did, but from what I did with the project? Then at that point, it’s the FX Controller that’s at fault. Luckily, I have a backup in that (hopefully not also fucked up project folder) before the effort Atherian did for me (and then tried it again via help from the VRChat Discord.
All I would have to do is re-add the framework to match what I have, and that has a chance to fix the problem. Plus, it doesn’t have all of those animation clips of the poses inside of it. Though catboy says, those things wouldn’t be causing the problem. And it’ll be a good way to see if I even need those things to make the poses work.
Anyway, let’s move on.
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“Maybe Baddee was right…”
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So I finally have JeroWorks 3.0 completed…. yet why am I not actually using it for its intended purpose? Like to watch movies and what not.
It’s simple. It doesn’t feel the same. I likely shot myself in the foot when I decided to
copy Jero’s textures and eyes over early (when the project was halfway done) instead of waiting until it was done. It’s just.. it looks so.. real. Like, he’s there, yet he’s also not there at the same time.
“A doll isn’t going to bring Jero back” also comes to mind. I refused to admit it for the longest time, feeling ‘this has to WORK!!’. Yet at the same time knowing it won’t. As time went on and the blog posts painted a picture of myself becoming more and more insane, I felt “this is stupid. Noone’s going to care about my struggles with this project, because I’m the only one that would be enjoying it!” Yet I would not stop. To be honest, I didn’t want to suffer through this alone, nor did I want anyone to stop me. It feels all my friends have turned their backs on me, and I have noone. I was forced to suffer alone.
Not many of my friends know about Malice and Jelly, and how they’re so ‘racist’. This is why I keep to myself. Plus I don’t want my words to paint a picture of Jero being a bad person (and ‘was never your friend to begin with’), when I know he’s not that.
I know Jero too well, for him to be a bad person. ..But how much do I truly know him? That question seems to have been answered in the next segment.
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A possible truth of why Jero left me.. that I overlooked
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This… it’s this of why I didn’t want to make a blog post, yet I knew I had to. And from what I know now, I half feel “maybe it is time to finally let him go. I couldn’t be a good boyfriend, and now I can’t be a good friend”. Not to mention the thought of.. ‘ending it
all’ has come to mind.
But I’m getting way ahead of myself here. Haven’t even explained what happened. So there I am in VR, trying to figure out who I could join. I see Stray, who’s in a very interesting world called ‘Riverboat Ride’. The boat itself didn’t look like any paddleboat I’ve ever seen. Definitely not the Belle of Louisville, or the Delta Queen. It was a basic, generic style paddleboat.
However I finally figured out the name of it: the Spirit of New Orleans. So we’re on
the Mississippi River, likely heading South towards the Gulf of Mexico. Nice. At least it would be if the Mississippi River was made out of oil instead of water (what it looked
like).
So I was just chilling by myself, on the back of the boat (they got lots of areas for full body users to sit down). Suddenly got startled when I was notified someone who their name starts with ‘Jer’ (but it wasn’t who I was hoping it would be). So I guess I’m just going to be startled for now on if I see anyone join that their name starts with a ‘Jer’ (for obvious reasons). But it seemed as if it was fate (or something else) that brought this very
person, to me. Their name is ‘Jermango’ and they have a deer fursona, and he was quite cool. He came over because it was quite laggy for him on the other side of the boat, and then tried to have a conversation with me. Me, being myself kind of wanted to.. well, keep to myself.
Eventually the ice was broken when he checked out my profile and chuckled over
my ‘job’ entry, but not to harass me, but to support me. “I’m glad there’s programs like this that exists for you folks. For if it didn’t, a lot would be living in poverty” he said.
I agreed with him. “You folks can’t help who you’ve become.” Hmmm. He almost feels
like Jero but in a new ‘form’. The only thing different, the guy’s 19. Yet he didn’t seem bothered at all with the fact I’m 45. If I see him again, I might friend him. He is, an interesting character I’d like to get to know more. Plus I really like his calm voice. I can almost feel ‘friend material’ with them.
A rather ‘funny’ thing happened later on when another guy named ‘Mexicutioner’ came over. He has the Nuisance tag, and I can clearly see why. Says he became Trusted and “got bored”. Then he sees me and asks “is this your boyfriend?” I quickly said “friend” then changed it to “more of an acquaintance”. Jermango looks at me and says (while doing
the “is that for meeeee?” sign with his fingers): “well I am your friend and I am a boy.”
Awkward. And he did this again when Mexicutioner said “you two would be a perfect couple”. I said “well.. we just met. But, you never know”.
Now you can see why I feel there might be ‘friend material’ here. He’s quite cool.
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Later that night, most people had left (including the guy I met). I kept looking at my friends list… hoping and praying I would see ‘jeromeah would like to be your
friend’ pop up. Nothing. Sighed my head off. Decided to watch some YouTube videos I haven’t really had a chance to watch as I was so focused on the project.
Didn’t even realize Raccoongamer had joined me and was trying to find me. But I just happened to look up and saw a yellow name tag (which means a Friend). He eventually joined me and wanted to talk about a very strange subject: time. I wasn’t really in the mood to talk about it, only feeling “I wish I could end it without feeling pain”. But I tried to focus on what he was talking about.
Then I turned it to “well I believe more strongly in going back in time, rather than going forward. To fix the mistakes I’ve made in the past.. such as a lost close friend.” He knew exactly who I was talking about. So I gave him the same story I gave Mibit. A good thing about Raccoongamer is he’s willing to listen and not try to interrupt me.
And after I was all done, he said something.. that shook me.
“Maybe it’s just you weren’t seeing this from his perspective” he said. Everything. Fucking. Clicked into place after he said that. I. truly. AM. ..selfish. It all makes sense now. It had nothing to do with being forced to accept his opinion. This.. HAS to be the reason! And it didn’t make me feel any better. No, I felt worse. I truly felt I ‘deserved this’, because I am selfish.
Why didn’t this come to me sooner? Yet at the same time.. why didn’t Jero TELL ME? The only thing I remember, is him saying how he should “go back to being a stereotypical black guy”. It was back in 2020, how I felt our second time dating was faltering. But that’s the only time I heard him telling me anything about this. He never once told me to be careful if I have friends who are ‘racists’. I would’ve remembered, and told Malice to stop saying this around Jero. ..If he would had told me, I could had prevented this mess. And we would had still been friends right now.
As much as I want to disprove Raccoongamer’s claims over the fact Jero never told me this, I cannot as the rest.. fits so well with what happened, especially with how Jero saying I’m selfish. It’s not something he’s been wanting to say.. it’s something he clearly saw in me for not seeing this from his perspective.
He said he would try to talk to Jero, and see if it’s possible to restore our friendship. No offense to Mibit, but this approach isn’t working. It’s taking too long. I have to have someone get Jero to me, so we can finally discuss this like adults. I’m growing desperate to tell him, I’m sorry. But it is up to Jero himself if he wishes to talk to me. If he doesn’t, then I have… to move on. And hopefully no more missing him for six long months.
…But I just don’t feel he will. Not after this. Soon as Raccoongamer goes up to him and tells him about me, he’s going to feel I’m trying to make him look bad by telling all my friends. I know what I’m doing, which is the opposite. But I don’t feel he’ll see it. He’s too hurt by my actions.
Dunno if I should just delete what took 11 days to do (as it will never bring him back), or rebrand it as the new edition of Project ‘Emeriss’ (and use that instead). I dunno. I wish I wasn’t forced to have to go through so much effort.. just for myself to enjoy. It’s not something I can enjoy with my friends. They’ll never really understand, and I don’t blame them either if they call me insane or a ‘mad man’ (in a bad way).
I wish I could see something good come out from all of this. But it isn’t the fact we’re no longer friends… it’s how we’re no longer friends that hurts the worst. What makes
me.. me, is what caused this. And it feels like he ripped a huge chunk out of me, threw it on the ground and stomped on it. And that chunk was my happiness. All because, of my actions.
And I’m just supposed to.. MOVE ON FROM THAT?! Move on, knowing I can never speak to him ever again?! Knowing I can never truly say how sorry I am?! This is not like what happened in 2019. Sure it drove me to the point of insanity of how my heart ached for him. But I knew how to prevent what I did from happening again! I knew how to finally let go of him (on the 7th month).
This time I’m all alone. I truly. have. “lost him forever”. Not in a love sense, but in a friendship sense.
But enough self-pity. I dunno, what he’s going through right now while working. Does he miss me too? Does he feel it’s partially his fault as well (for not believing me)? I don’t know. I kind of want to, but knowing Jero he doesn’t leak out his feelings toward anyone. He ‘puts on his happy face’ to the world, trying to suppress all the negative emotions going through his mind.
Only once or twice, has his negative emotions broken through. I’m sure they had when he forced himself to unfriend me. But did he have remorse after calling me ‘selfish’?
No. I believe he feels relieved that I’m not his friend anymore. He’s finally done with
this ‘toxic dumpster fire’ in his life. He’s seen the ‘real me’, and likely agrees with Kepo.
But I bet one thing he said, was “good luck”. He doesn’t care if I commit suicide feeling I don’t want to hurt anyone else with my selfishness, because he doesn’t have to worry about it. He doesn’t have to worry about me anymore.
He’s free. The whole “wow you’re really selfish” is something he’s been wanting to say for a long time, but didn’t want to hurt me back then. However it’s not like what I did to him when we first broke up in 2019. He based his words, of what I told him in Telegram. Hell I’d call myself selfish after re-reading what I said. All I was focused on, was trying to “bring back the old Jero”. I wasn’t thinking about him. I was thinking about myself. I wasn’t being myself. I was confused, but I kept digging a hole deeper and deeper for myself everytime I hit Enter.
Words like “why lie to me?”, “I don’t care anymore”, “seems pretty cold”, “please don’t avoid me”, and “I want the old Jero back”.
…If I had seen this from his perspective, Most of the stuff I said here to him, would not had been said. But I was confused, worried.. yet also impatient.