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“Never be silent…” -Frost
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EDITOR’S NOTE: I originally wrote this as a jumbled mess of feelings in different areas of the post. I’ve since rewritten it.
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The day before yesterday I told MIBIT “tomorrow we’re playing SoT. I promise”. Tomorrow came and it’s like I was dragged into something I wasn’t fully enjoying, when I wanted to do something else. Honestly I’ve been feeling that a lot, even in VRChat for the past 2-3 days. I feel like.. for some reason, I feel no longer free to do what I wanna do anymore. …Sounds eerily similar with Wolfdog, doesn’t it? To say I feel ashamed of my actions is an understatement.
But this time, I wanted it to work out with MIBIT. I really did. And how what I said
above really started to bother me was yesterday. I’ve been wanting to play the Myst series for some time, but feel I never have enough time in the day to do so. My mother needing me for Doordash, myself forgetting what I wanted to do and default to watching Youtube
videos.. and, yeah; you’re getting the idea, aren’t you?
My common sense told myself “just tell him you wanna play some singleplayer games. He’ll understand”. But my negative side said “NO! That’ll never work! He assumes you’ll want to be with him! I mean yeah it’ll work for the time being, but eventually he’ll start to feel you’re ignoring him! Look at how he reacts now!”
Yep.. my emotions are fighting again, and I feel I have no control over who’s right and who’s wrong. My negative side kept rambling on, then my common sense fought back and it was like being hit by a hammer with ‘reality’ written on it. And it was in the form of the very thing I asked Jero to do, now feels as if it’s being used against me. Irony, right? Communication and how I haven’t fully been using it (even with Wolfdog). Because, my mind is still locked onto a specific feeling, that I’ve been used to being alone for a
very, very, very long time.
Usually people only message me on discord if they need something from me (or just want to say ‘hi’). That’s what my brain has learned and settled on. And now I’m supposed to tell it “you now have to be active with MIBIT, and tell him everything you do. Everyone you see. That’s the rule of an unofficial relationship.”
…And all the times I never told him of the ‘friends with benefits’. Only once did I tell him. But.. apparently (that I was told by someone), I was supposed to tell
him every. damn. time. So uh.. FUCK!! And, why does this feel like the definition of an open relationship? Oh dear lord, I’ve got to find a way out of this. I’ve gone too far. Yet you could blame him too for starting all of this. I told him I wanted it to be ‘friends with benefits’ and nothing higher. He’s the one that wanted to go further, yet I felt “alright, an unofficial relationship I could handle. It’s not official, it’s to test.” But as the weeks went
by… mmm.
Having to tell him when I get done eating. Having to tell him when we’ll play Sea of Thieves. Having to tell him when we’ll play VRChat. It was starting to get a bit ridiculous.
…Yet I expected Jero to do that. Though I also never told Jero “tell me the exact time you do things”. IMO, MIBIT was taking the whole communication aspect a bit too extreme. Then again maybe not ‘extreme’ enough.. *sighs* I dunno.
–
So anyway, we get done with Chapter 3. I’m somewhat thrilled about it (more glad it’s over as I felt annoyed having to show him where all of the journals are). Here I want him to figure things out for his own (and he greatly appreciates this), yet he can’t when the damn journals are hard to find. You seriously have to use a walkthrough, and that REALLY sucks. Especially in Chapter 3. How in the fuck could you have known there’s three hidden journals in the swamp area without a walkthrough?! Ugh, it’s so annoying!
Honestly, those chapters.. you gotta have a LOT of patience for someone new to it. And I really hate that.
But, soon we’ll do Chapters 4 and 5, and we’ll be learning together. Half of me feels
thrilled, the other half feels nervous (as both chapters are Open World, aka players can fuck with you).
After we hopped off, I didn’t fully jump into VRChat as he wanted to. It took me an hour later until I finally did. And I didn’t even first join him.. I joined Frost instead, and asked him a ‘simple’ question (in my head): “would an unofficial relationship be similar to friends with benefits?”.. please say yes. He was confused of my question, and then asked me “are you saying you want it to be friends with benefits?”
Uhhh. NnnnnO! I’m not saying that! So he explained to me again the reason behind the purpose of it, and also said “you have to tell him every time you want to see someone else. Now me and BlueDrago, we never did but I’m just saying.” My common sense agreed with this.
“If you never tell him, you’ll be no better than Werodrip, and I’m pretty sure you don’t want that to happen.” Not at all! ..Fuck.
“Just remember: never be silent” he says. Again my common sense agreed, speaking for me. The other side, felt like “OK, I want out of this. This is too much to handle.” But I did tell him “yes, I get it. And I have. But the problem is, he has ADHD and it’s a pain to explain it to him. He takes what I say and assumes I’m saying something else.”
He says “well, it’s very common for people to have ADHD”. I said “yeah I know, but this is the first time I ever dated someone with it, and it’s been a struggle”. He starts to think of one of his friends who has ADHD (that might be able to give me some pointers), and asks a random Avali (who I assume is one of his other friends) that comes over to him. “Do you have ADHD?” he asks. The guy says “no, I have Autism“. The awkward silence after that was almost funny.. looking back at this I feel ashamed for even feeling the urge to
laugh.
Then Frost remembers the name of the person; CrispyMuffin. Ohhh. Him. The one in our server for no reason. He said “with Crispy, you gotta say it in a way that he can process it on his own. Break up what you want to say instead of giving it out in one go”.. problem is that’s how I usually talk. But before I could say that, he says “the purpose of an unofficial relationship is for you to see.. if this is what you want”.. mmmm.
I thanked Frost for the advice and left. When I was out of earshot, I said to myself “never be silent. Never be silent” (realizing I’m doing the exact opposite talking to Frost instead of being with MIBIT, and went to go see him).
I didn’t really say much. I kept thinking of what Frost said. Especially the “if this is what you want” thing. Mmm. What I want, or what I need? *sighs*
To throw this away is throwing away a golden opportunity for him to change my life if I meet him IRL. So yeah, the battle of “wanting to do my own thing” VS “wanting for him to try to change me for the better”. Knowing I had to make a decision, I wondered if Novice could help me. I wanted to go see him, but I wanted MIBIT to be with his friends. And I couldn’t just say “hey hun, I wanna go see a friend of mine. I shouldn’t be long
alright?” I’ve done that before, but only when I was in the same world. And I feared he would start to feel I’m cheating on him if I stayed too long. So.. I stayed with him
instead, hoping he’d fall asleep to give me an excuse to see Novice. I also didn’t say much to him, as I didn’t really know what to say. I at least wanted to talk to him alone, but again I didn’t want to take him away from his friends. Had to wait my time.
And my inactions of not talking, he fell asleep in my arms around 1:14 in the morning. Typically this would be adorable, but not tonight. Felt bad for him and I thought for a moment if I should wake him up or let him sleep.
Finally decided to on waking him up, hoping he won’t say “I fell asleep from boredom”. EXGAMING was AFK at the time and Sparky went to bed. He didn’t wake up for quite some time. But finally when he did wake up, I told him to go to bed and he did.
Then I went to go see Novice.. in a 650MB world. Fuckin’ hell, dude!!
He was with two people. I waited my time. Ash joins when the other leaves, so I couldn’t tell him then and it was so annoying.
Then Ash leaves and I told him. But I don’t think Novice heard much. He was falling asleep laying down as he usually does and never had time to give me any advice.
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Blender’s wild side
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And then Blender joins us. Thankfully I was able to complete what I wanted to say to Novice by the time Blender joined, so he(Blender) didn’t hear anything.
Changed the topic of discussion, glad to get the previous one off my chest (for the time being), talking about how I couldn’t stop watching his latest work. He was quite surprised to hear that.
Novice came back for a few minutes, then said he “had to get something” and went AFK again. I was still laying up on my bed. Blender started licking my feet. I asked if he was into paws, and he was. Then said “go away boner”. I laughed when I shouldn’t had, and let him continue to lick my feet. Watching him moan and groan occasionally then go back to licking my feet was really cute. I also saw him shaking.. so I knew what he was doing. Aww.
He eventually came. I smiled at him, chuckling softly. That’s the first time I saw someone having a hard on for my avatar’s feet.
He said “I know about your relationship and all”. I said “it’s an unofficial relationship. And honestly I’m thinking of telling him that it sadly isn’t going to work out as I’d hoped.”
He also wanted to tell me about the bad things with Wolfdog, almost as if he’s glad the guy is being treated the way he is.
I then ask him if he was a top, a switch, or a bottom. Just as a curious question but also telling him that I understand if it’s embarrassing to ask. Says he’s a switch that wants to be a bottom. So I very briefly showed him the NSFW version of my avatar, and laughed at his reaction. “Oh wow! ..I didn’t realize how long that is!”
We cuddled and snuggled for a good long time. Novice came back, saw the time and
said “well I need to get going” and left. I asked Blender if he wanted to go to a private world and he says “you know what? Sure!”
–
After it was over, he was all “I’ve never seen this side of you, Benie.” I said “everyone has a lewd side, some people are too embarrassed to show it”. He said “like me, E! I get embarrassed, but you helped with that. That was amazing, E!”
I smiled with pride, glad to help him out like this. I said “I love helping my close friends out”. He was happy to hear that and gave me several licks, and I licked him back with a kiss. He kissed me back.
Then he wanted to fall asleep on my lap and I let him. He said “I’m available almost anytime. I get on and sometimes I feel quite.. lonely.” Awwww… poor Blender. And this is why I like the idea of friends with benefits instead of a relationship. Being hugged and cuddled, or doing the hugging and cuddling I love to do. I’m very affectionate once you get to know me. And I’m very open to show I’m a top when it comes to ERP. But I’m not looking for a relationship. I stopped looking after Novice.
And MIBIT is going to have to be told this. ..I have to be my own advice and come up with a foolproof plan to deal with this, without revealing too much. Yet everytime I try to think of a way to say “because the very thing I wanted Jero to do, I’m not used to” in a nice way, my mind cannot think of an alternative. I hear the war drums and the two sides battle again over what I want and what I need.
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EDIT: It’s done. I told MIBIT, and we agree to be friends. Yet that’s the only thing he told me.
Since then he has changed his pfp. He says “I kinda stop interacting after a relationship for about a week to avoid drama”. I don’t think he fully understands what’s going on here. He likely only saw the “let’s just be friends” and that’s it. Then again… I dunno. But, I think I’m going to do the same he is. Just stay off VRChat until he comes back as a ‘punishment’.
So, I take 75% of the blame. But I want MIBIT to take the other 25%. Both of us did not know what an unofficial relationship even was. Noone told us.. it was an open relationship. If I had known that the day it started I would had told him no, that I wanna go back to just being friends with benefits.
The reason why I take most of the blame, it’s obvious. Yet I’m still confused WHY and HOW IN THE FUCK an ‘unofficial’ relationship is the same as an open relationship?! Yet it also should had come to me a lot sooner. Frost had said.. TWICE, to let MIBIT know. Why did it take the second time for it to finally hit me?? Why did it take writing to MIBIT for it to finally hit me?
The main issue is I forgot that when it comes to an open (and
now ‘/ unofficial’) relationship, you have to tell your partner you’re planning to do it with someone. This is what I understand with an open relationship. I didn’t know it was the same for an unofficial relationship. …But to say that I “didn’t know” also shows how big of a retard I truly am. It really does not matter if I didn’t know or did! It’s still WRONG! And I can’t believe I didn’t see this before. I really can’t believe myself.
How in the fuck is dating someone and then going behind their back to bang one of your friends, an acceptable thing?! ..Really. And when I put myself in his paws I can clearly see where I fucked up… and just how god damn BIG I fucked up.
Nothing like “hey I banged some friends while you’re gone can you forgive me?” to really. Really.. I don’t even want to talk about this anymore. I’m too disgusted at myself.
–
All I can hope for is he’ll eventually forgive me.. yet why in the fuck should he?! Honestly.
Definitely learned from this. I now know the true definition of an unofficial relationship. Though I feel slightly annoyed by Frost for not explaining that it’s pretty much an open relationship. But I can only assume, he assumed I knew what it meant (having it said to me twice).
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Finally, in my closing..
If MIBIT, never forgives me after a week has passed.. I will UNINSTALL VRChat… forever. And I will never join another social game for as long as I live.
That is my promise. The ultimate punishment. I hurt for MIBIT. I feel his pain. I feel his anger. We are (temporarily) connected until he blocks me. This will NEVER be something I will forgive myself if he never forgives me for my actions. I don’t want to hurt anyone else, so the only way to prevent this is to stop playing VRChat.
MIBIT is a sweet, innocent person.. that I hurt. It does not matter if it was by accident. I have still hurt this man. So when he forgives me, then I will play VRChat again.