I never thought I’d be posting so much this month, but I am. Klaus was right when he said to “give it time, you’ll find someone”. Sadly that ‘someone’ has a personality that clashes with mine, but that’s not even their fault– I blame myself.
Last year (I’m not sure if it was around Christmastime or not) in VRChat, I was in a special world where you can take a seat and things would be happening infront and around you in a theme park-like ride.
And part of the intro of this, was a voice that started ranting for the longest time about people saying “I love you” in the wrongest of ways (mainly hitting VRChat relationships and how today’s generation uses them wrong). That voice has stuck with me to this day of just how powerful those three little words are. As if some wise man was specifically saying these very useful words to me.
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Grey has been using these words, prematurely (and he’s within ‘today’s generation’). Been saying “I love you Benie” even though we’re just friends.. well, we were friends. He’s since blocked me because apparently I “have an issue with his personality” (which isn’t true at all). He just took it wrongly. Then again, it doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I should had never seen Grey like I did, as it made me regret doing so. Even during our ERP sessions, I regretted lying to him in ‘coming multiple times’. I’ll spare you the details as it’s definitely NSFW.
We were doing things that only Wuffer and I did (the sleep calling, as I said before). Plus him wanting me to go to bed earlier so he wouldn’t be waiting for me.
This is one thing that I’m glad it’s over, because it feels like cringe when I’m with him.
=
Yesterday, I wanted to slow down with all the ERPing we’ve been doing. Try to do something else, like watching movies in one of the movie worlds. This was more of a test to see how Grey handles just chilling. …He’s not, saying “we can watch movies right here. We can watch Stargate.”
During the start of our (final) sleep call, he’s telling me all the things we’ve been doing for the past week. Then he says “I love you as a friend, that will never change”.
Nani..? How can you say that when you were calling me “your dragon” and other sweet things like this, and telling me how much you love me? So that was nothing but a fake romantic relationship. I thought he had feelings for me, just what I’ve wanted in a relationship.
But then he tells me I “should focus more on friendship”, making more friends. Those words stuck to me like glue, while he’s on “just focus on what we did, alright?” ..I don’t think so Grey, you just ruined it.
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This afternoon I sent several paragraphs in the form of “telling me to change my life”. I explained why the whole ‘making more friends’ thing isn’t going to work. Well.. it isn’t going to work for me. My current friends don’t ask me how I’m doing on a daily basis and I’m happy about that, as I’m still a loner and that’s not something VRChat’s going to change.
I feel Grey is, well.. too much for me. I need someone more down to earth, more compassionate (like Novice was that one morning). But that’s not even Grey’s fault for the way he is. We all have our own personalities.. sadly mine and his clash, yet that doesn’t mean I have a problem with it. If I had a problem, I’d want him to change. I do not. I want him to be the way he is.
That’s why I felt it was best off if we had defaulted back to just being acquaintances. He took a step further and blocked me, because I never read his messages. The only thing I read was him saying “We’ll see.” and then asking me later on if I had a problem with his personality. Was I wrong for doing that? ..Maybe. Possibly. But then again I.. maybe I did have an issue with his personality. But, isn’t that what makes us human? How we’re all different?
It’s OK to be against someone’s personality. You could even be against my personality. Which, I’d ask.. why are you reading this blog post then? Why are you even here? Why am I even talking to you, individual person on the internet? Sure it would make me upset and I can understand Grey getting upset with my words.
But seriously, I had to get out of this mess. I’m sorry I hurt Grey in the process, but we went too far. Even I went too far, thinking he has feelings for me (and even told me before he didn’t). But when I tried to have things calm down back to what they were, he ramped them back up. Yesterday, it was him that wanted to ERP. I was hoping he wasn’t in the mood, as again I wanted to take things slow.
We were going way, way too fast, and he’s the one that ‘threw the first punch’ by ERPing with me. In other words, it was the exact opposite with Wuffer and I (but this time I would be Wuffer). But unlike Wuffer.. I didn’t ghost Grey until a time I had the ‘courage’ to tell Grey this isn’t going to work out. I wanted to get this mess done with.
Grey in ways is like Suppy, but without him being all “I love your X!! I love your Y!! I love your Z!!” as suddenly it was love at first sight for that poor lovesick shiba back then.. at the WORST possible time (when Jero and I had just gotten back together). But I digress.
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It’s a shame I lost Grey as a friend, and I wish things had gone differently. But Grey
is, well… Grey. And I am me. Asking the other to change just because you don’t like their personality is wrong. I just wish Grey could had taken it better and slowed the fuck down. But again.. that’s his personality. Mine clashed with his, and the only way to stop it is to unfortunately be blocked in order to not see the other person again. *shrug*
And yes I still blame myself for it… in ways. I mean, I know some people who are 20 and act more down to earth than he does. ERP isn’t going to win friendships with me, it’s how well you’re willing to listen. Even as a friendship, I want to feel warm with the other person and don’t mind opening up to. Novice, as I said before, has all the redeeming qualities that I’m looking for (almost an exact copy of Jero). But his busy work life is pushing me away from him and almost ‘forcing me’ to look elsewhere.
Grey almost felt like he was pushing me into a wall and trying to get me to talk about myself. He’s too strong, and made me uncomfortable at times. I tried to brush it off as much as I could, but it felt all I wanted to do was get the hell out of there. No longer do I have to worry about him asking me if I’m going to hop on VRC. No longer do I have to worry about not wanting to be there.
And no longer will I hear him ask if I want to play a game with him when he’s bored.
..
I might stay off VRChat for a bit. I feel there’s no point in coming on anymore until I see more activity of friends I care for (and when Virtual Market 5 is supposed to come next month, by the 19th).
Honestly I should just go back to Destiny 2. I feel that’s where I fucked up, thinking I “don’t belong there”. Kovo and Nova need my help, and I really should do something about that.