Yesterday, was not a fun day. All it did is remind me that there are other games out there I could be playing to get my mind off of feeling alone by being single (if I would just play them). Subnautica is one, and I’m at the point where I can get the Cyclops. But I don’t know if I want to use it as a mobile base or as a regular sub.
Plus I haven’t played Beat Saber in awhile. Only reason is I don’t feel like reinstalling all the mods I used (as it was a pain before). That… and well, I’m not really ‘playing’ it; it’s more like turning off the failure state and ‘button mashing’ my controllers (IE: failing the sabers around like an idiot) in hopes I’m hitting the right notes. Having them switch places is so fucking annoying, and I don’t have the patience to learn how to react in more of a focused manner to it.
Last thing, in VRChat I have unfriended Wuffer (for good). I can’t stand seeing his fucking face anymore.. I want to punch my monitor when I see it.
I guess what Ballistic is doing, is rubbing off of me; not caring what happens to him anymore, just wanting to get him out of my life for good. Except, he’s in a new relationship, I’m not. But honestly, I’m starting to learn that I don’t need love in my life as much as I did before. Maybe I’ve finally weaned myself away from my desperation.
The bad side to upgrading my computer
To start it off, a status report on getting some kind of hardware to upgrade my
computer (be it another AMD CPU, or Intel. I don’t care). Zagrosect has been trying to contact the guy about the parts (with no luck). It’s looking more and more likely ‘Plan B’ may have to be executed, of having enough to go to Amazon and buying the parts I need to upgrade my computer (next month possibly).
Half of me can’t wait ’till next month, so I can finally not suffer at 10-20 FPS when trying to hang out with friends. But the other half.. says “uh, I think you forget the hell you’re going to have to go through– reinstalling Windows and not having your Windows 10 upgrade key, and having to reinstall everything to make your games work…” I have been trying to think of ways to make this procedure as painless as possible on me, but nothing comes to mind (outside of using some kind of cloud service to backup my C drive).
This thought has been bugging me all day, sadly bringing my mood down everytime I try to play VRChat and hear my CPU scream profanities at me when trying to join a world of 10+ people.
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Reminded of the past
This is a good reason to play any other game but VRChat. You try to go to your friends for support.. but they’re in a room that is painfully familiar to you. It’s the room, where Wuffer and I were mostly in when we were dating (for those nearly two weeks). It’s the room where we watched Youtube videos. It’s the room were we cuddled and kissed.. and it’s the room where I had RP sex with him. Everything that lead to him dumping me, is in that room. And now, Kovo and his friends are in it, who don’t even know the history I had with that room.
But I joined anyway, hoping I could hang out with LoneWolf and the memories would eventually disappear. ..They didn’t. I didn’t have the heart to ask Kovo if we could go to another world; it would had been extremely rude of me. They would just tell me to “go to another world if it bugs you so much”, even though I wanted to stay with them. So I tried my best to stay far away from that bed where everything happened and just watch the screen. Eventually I left to go see moon_shadow in hopes we could talk about it (not that he could do anything about it, but maybe he could help me feel better).
But he was too busy hanging out with friends to see me in the corner of the room, almost feeling like I’m about to cry from all the memories flooding into my mind. It also told me I cannot go to LoneWolf, as I don’t want to ruin his happiness with Wufy (aka, I don’t want to be labeled as a drama queen).
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I don’t remember where I went next (memory bank is a bit fuzzy), but I did (with time) go back to that world.. just grit my teeth and close my eyes, and listen to the sound of their voices. Because I had nothing better to do.
10 minutes later, Lone saw and hugged me. I told him my history with this room and everything I said, and he said “don’t worry bud, I’ll drop a portal and we’ll go somewhere else.” Kovo overheard us and asked what was going on, and I tried to lie and
say “everything’s fine, Kovo”. Lone also lied and said “I’m going to take us somewhere that has more space.” He has my back. 🙂
We went to another world, but this one wasn’t kind and kept freezing my client (three times). Something’s wrong with the video player. Kovo also left, yet the others stayed there. Tried to go back to moon, but he went to bed at this time.
Now in another world. Kovo’s here, along with Nappz and his boyfriend. Also told Lone in a DM the issue, and he said we will join another world that hopefully won’t have that issue.
Half an hour later, he says I can join them. I told Kovo to join me if he wants, and left. This world is alright (has no memory of Wuffer being here), but the video player is a bit weird.
We watched videos for almost the rest of the night (with myself trying to be away from the two couples here (DJ & Blue, and Lone & Wufy). Kovo leaves for some odd reason, but I never paid attention. Wildboy joins, and confirms that him and Blueberry are back together (but mentions it’s ‘temporary’).
That’s great, though. I’m glad the two are happy. ..I wish I could be, but I guess God feels I’ve sinned too much to be happy (trying to be bi when I’m straight).
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Unexpected (but welcomed) support
Found Kovo in the Cards Against Humanity VR world and joined (only to watch), and it worked mostly as planned (with the friends there horseplaying by locking the door to other friends, and Kovo being memed to death (which actually made me laugh the first time today. Thank you).
Melade (one of Lunar’s close friends) joined. But instead of joining the others, she stayed with me (as if she knew I needed a friend, or something happened that she needed a friend). Her mic was broken, though (so she couldn’t tell me either option). I told her about joining that world and stuff. At this same time, Cute was DMing me and asking if everything’s OK, who also knew something was wrong. It reminded me of joining her world (mainly to talk to SW18 about Wuffer). But I did my best to keep it to myself as I didn’t want to make a scene (which is what Lone also said not to do). Told her I would tell her everything when I can, then went back to VRChat.
Asked Melade if she would like to come to my home world so we can discuss this in
private, and did. After I told her everything, she nuzzled my nose as a sign of affection. Aww. I can feel she really cares about me, and I said (with a chuckle) “I hope you get a new mic soon”, and she nodded her head. Then I gave her a hug.
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Then I switched to Red Boi after asking if she wanted my Discord name, so we can talk there, she looked at it and then looked away. 10 minutes later, she disappears without requesting an invite. Odd, but I can only assume (with her offline), she was forced to get off her computer by her parents (or something).
Hopefully she will sometime today. Still need to talk to Cute about this. I can almost assume she’ll say “well, you could join our poly” when I say “I have noone”. And my answer to that will be “I will think about it. I appreciate the offer, and I will let you know.”
EDIT: ..That discussion went in a complete 180 from what I thought. I could feel very little to no compassion from Cute, only her saying “you two should talk it out”.. we tried
this, and look what happened! Talking to him, solves NOTHING!! He’ll just lie to get himself out of it! And when I told her “I doubt talking would solve this”, she said “at least it’s out of your system and you feel better”.
…I think Cute hasn’t fully woken up yet, because I felt she offered a bit more caring than this. I’m just not going to go to her world (when she’s there), or just not talk about it if Kovo is and she is. I.. can’t believe she did that. Usually she’s really nice to everyone.
EDIT2: I had to ask Lunar for Melade’s Discord name. After a pretty lengthy delay of her asking why and then saying ‘ok’ after explaining she (Melade) was going to friend me, then had to go to bed, I was able to friend her on Discord.
My shyness has been preventing me from really talking to her, but I did manage to work up the courage to thank her for accepting my invite and for understanding me. Just, the way she nuzzled my nose out of nowhere. Was it truly affection or something more?
(Above pic is so fucking relatable 😛 )
I need to get to know her better then. Whatever I do, DON’T rush it. Ask for her age, what she’s into, things like that. Take it slow and steady. Don’t be desperate. :/
EDIT3: She hasn’t spoken to me since. I have asked her if she wanted to join me in
VRChat, but she never does.
I told Creepery about it (who once had a real crush on her), and he thinks she was “just being nice” (literally the oh so relatable pic). And the more I think about it, I agree.
Infact, I think she might be underaged. So, best to stop it here. :/
Lunar has also refriended me in Discord, by the way. Glad I’ve moved on from that.