Honestly, I thought 2021 would never end. Christmas Day has arrived and past us (was a somewhat good Christmas in VRChat, hanging with friends). And now I have 7 hours until 2022.
This year will go down as the most upsetting years in my life.
JANUARY — It was supposed to be a ‘new year new me’, but it just felt more of the same. At least that’s what I wished it was. The passing of my father, who I never had a good bond with. …But at times I miss him. I told myself to prepare for this — to prepare for my life to pretty much “be over”– knowing I would be forced to be the new man of the house.
Instead I’m just as lazy, just as.. hating of being bothered when I’m not in the mood for it.
I feel very ashamed of myself (at times). I know I’m going straight to hell for this. And honestly I deserve to rot there… for not trying to be there for my mother when she needs help.
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FEBRUARY — A sad month for my mother, but I did my damnest to try and stop her from crying. I really have been trying to be there, I just can’t be there for everything. I am not my father. I still prefer to be alone.
But it’s troubling enough when who were your family members seem to have disowned you over a very severe case of miscommunication. Mainly, my father’s little brother. And it was all over one thing– what’s going to happen to me when my mother passes away. For years my parents have been convinced I need a guardian, and I’d likely need to be placed in a foster home or have someone I don’t know live with me to be my guardian. However fortune had smiled upon me, over my embarrassing (but blessing) age, that I am more than old enough to not need a guardian, and can live on my own. Because now, my monthly check had increased tenfold to include “survivor’s benefits”
We also extremely lucked out of a pretty bad ice storm that parked itself just south of us.
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MARCH — Promising changes for myself. My mother kept being haunted by my father’s old room (able to see him in there) and wanting to seal it up forever. One day I looked out the window when my mother was asking my neighbors to please help her get rid of my father’s stuff (where they can be used again). A golden opportunity had opened up for me when I turned around. I started seeing my furniture, in his old room. And even better, I could see myself finally getting out of WMR. With the increase of money, I could get a Valve Index and trackers, and finally experience full body. When my mother came back in the house, I offered to mainly help to remove these nightmare feelings from her mind by moving in here, and she accepted.
It was a long 2-3 days and there were times where my plan would had failed, but finally I was able to completely move in to my father’s old room.
In that same month, we dropped Satellite TV and went for Spectrum TV. My father was usually the reason why we never went to cable TV, mainly over how he couldn’t listen to a certain radio station.
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APRIL – The early month was me ‘completing’ the move into my father’s old room, buying a new chair and a computer table. Except the chair was the only thing I managed to successfully build. The table was absolute garbage, even had damage either caused by manufacturing or shipping.
I’m not sure what happened the rest of the month.
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MAY – The month when I got my Valve Index in the mail. And the arrival could had not been more… ‘perfect’, as they picked the exact date, that my father would had turned 68. Yes, I got my Index, on his birthday. I’m trying so desperately hard to not feel “my father ‘had to die’ so I could get a Valve Index”. ..Amazon clearly has no respect for the dead. They couldn’t had picked the date to be May 10th, or May 12th. No.. they had to pick the exact date of my late father’s birthday. :/ I could almost hear him laughing up in heaven.
But at least, I was able to see the true beauty of the 2.0 base stations from Valve; how they don’t have to face each other to track your movements. It is so awesome, when I was able to put these base stations where I felt they should have (at least) an 80%+ chance of detecting me at all times.
In this same month (on the 21st), is when I got my Vive 2.0 trackers. I could’ve gotten 3.0’s for the longer battery life, but I heard rumors they don’t track as good as 2.0’s do.
But with the TrackStraps delayed in the mail (had to get regular TrackStraps as the ones with a battery bank were sold out everywhere), I had to use very awkward means of attaching them to myself.
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JUNE – I got longer microUSB cables for my trackers, due to their short battery life interfering with my long 4-6 hour VR play sessions. However, it came with a “small’ problem, in the form of a famous quote: “such great power comes with great responsibility”. The responsibility of trying not to trip over three very long cables that tended to wrap around my ankles a lot. It limited me of what I could do in full body. Even something trivial as re-calibrating was a pain in the ass (over accidentally stepping on a cable and having to sit back down to figure out what got wrapped around what). I so wanted TrackStrap +’s, but I also theorized.. longer battery life = longer charge time.
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JULY – The only thing noteworthy this month, happened on the 8th. Was just chilling and suddenly the power goes out for no reason. There were no storms; it was a nice and sunny evening, so clearly it wasn’t a weather-related outage (or an outage caused by how we can’t have more than one space heater plugged in).
So either it was a dumbass squirrel bit the dust or an unfortunate drunk dumbass that should NOT be driving and hitting a power pole with their car. Going by what I saw on the power outage map for my state, the source was in the downtown area of my city. And this area.. was HUGE. Most of the city that didn’t have a backup generator was without power.
Took 3-4 hours until power was restored. This also presented a major problem. See, we usually rely on the garage that’s not part of the house to power important appliances (fridges and a few lights to not make the cats freak out). But this is the second time this year where that was not the case.
My mother claims, the city actually tries to save power when a power outage occurs in the shopping areas we have around here. And the garage is connected to this. So I can only pray we don’t lose power when it’s mid-winter and it’s freezing ass cold out there. Because if we can’t rely on the garage for heat anymore.. we’re kind of boned.
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AUGUST – Four notable things happened this month.
The first (and second) one was the fallout of my relationship to Wolfdog. A relationship I didn’t expect to really happen (was thinking we’d just be friends). But it also … embarrassingly reminded me that I have ‘the right to say “no”‘… why I had to be reminded of something that is taught to you in fucking PRESCHOOL, is beyond me. And them to say “it’s OK, just learn from this” by someone younger than me, is just more salt being shoved into the wound. July into August was a very…awful time for me. But at least the unfortunate lesson didn’t fall on deaf ears, and I have improved since then. Especially when it came to Mibit, who was desperate for love at the time.
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The 3rd also happened when Mibit wanted to become more than friends with me. Jero and I became friends again.
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And finally, the 4th thing is obviously my birthday. My 45th birthday will go down as probably one of the best birthdays I’ve ever had, all thanks to really good friends and my relationship with Mibit at the time. Mibit wanted me to have an awesome birthday in VRChat, and I’m so glad he got it.
And what made it memorable (in good ways and also.. ‘bad’) is having two songs sung to me by a really good, really funny Australian friend of mine.
You can read about my descent into madness here. Heh.
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SEPTEMBER – Lots of things that went right and wrong. IRL becoming more of a pita with being reminded of what will happen when my mother passes away that made it very hard to enjoy VRChat. Got to a point where I was sort of actively looking to get the hell out of this hellhole and into an apartment. However, I just don’t see that possible even with the increase of my monthly check.. especially when the landlord wants two months of rent in advance (which they likely do). It will leave me with hardly anything to survive off with when (I guesstimate $1,300) is going to rent + electricity/water/heat/gas etc every month… a shame they can’t teach you how to survive on your own in school.
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Got the Myst 25th Anniversary Edition, which includes three games I haven’t played yet (RealMYST/Myst 4 Revelations/ Myst 5 End of Ages/and URU (the singleplayer version that created the multiplayer version Angry wanted me to check out, that no longer exists).
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Trying to fix my friendship with Grey, and realizing how he’s able to welcome Supermarioraymond1 with open arms and actually handle the guy’s boring personality.
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Helping Blender deal with what happened of him and Grok, and also seeing VictonRoy as a really good trusted friend; more than just “the guy who added eyebrows to the Dutchie”
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OCTOBER – The month I stopped posting as much. I was also losing interest in Blender and didn’t know why. If only I had seen it sooner.. I could’ve taken a step back, taken a deep breath and had said “Hey Blender, we need to talk.”
In real life, the issues of having to deal with the cat came and went. Also it was a pretty dead Halloween as we had no kids.
This is also the same month when I chose to not play VRChat for ‘a bit’, because of two things. 1: Noone wanted to join me to do the new horror worlds when the Spookality winners were released.. a few days before Halloween. Not exactly enough time to be spooked IMO. 2: A few weeks after Blender and I broke up, Kovo said friends were talking behind my back (to him) about that I “should change” and “grow up”. I felt I couldn’t trust anyone beyond that point, even when he said it was noone I knew or that he didn’t know they didn’t have the balls to say these things to my face.
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NOVEMBER – A month I wish didn’t really exist. It was a mess. Fortunately I forgot most of the month, but it was mainly IRL stuff I don’t really wish to talk about.
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DECEMBER (still ongoing) – And here we are in the final month of 2021. Soon, 2022 will be upon us.. which will likely be another year of the same ole thing. But with what happened in January, I can’t be exactly sure if I’ll be “the same old me”.
Can’t exactly remember what happened at the start of the month, but I had occasionally come back to VRChat mid-month.
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Blender and I are back together again, but this time things are different– doing an open relationship instead of a closed. Blender himself actually, surprisingly opened my eyes with a story of someone who wanted to also be in a closed relationship.. but unlike myself at the time, he saw Blender wasn’t happy with it. Made me re-remember what I had said of how I can’t seem to stay true anymore. I’ve been blind and was punishing myself trying to make a closed relationship work, when an open would work. And work it has. I no longer feel inpatient when I don’t see Blender on in days, because I don’t have to worry about being only with him. This is awesome. No longer feel I’m ‘cheating’ on him. It’s like Scooby telling me it’s OK to be bi, now it’s OK to have an open relationship.
Blender is still mine and I’m still his, but we don’t have to limit ourselves to eachother. It’s like.. holy fuck. No more love drama.
Plus I reminded myself that Melan and NapPie are living together IRL, and they’re in an open relationship. Now I can’t exactly say “I wish I did this sooner”, though I wish I did it when the group was still a thing (and treated it like an actual Polyrelationship instead of pretending it wasn’t). Then again Blue and Cola wanted out of the group, so.. yeah.
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Jero and I are like.. I wouldn’t say ‘a thing’ but you could assume we are with the way we make out and not care if others watch. He’s on almost every day now, and is one of the sole reasons why I’ve been getting on VRChat again.
Currently he cannot be the lewdy subby boy he wants to be with me (and others) as he’s with his folks for two weeks. But he’s got plans for us when he gets back, saying he’s going to “scream the loudest” for me. ..Damn, son!! 😂 And that’s why I love you (as a friend of course). 😊
..Oh yeah, I nearly forgot. Jero, still has the avatar that I added myself to his arm. I still feel very surprised by this. Said he “didn’t have the heart to get rid of him”. That’s just… I have no words how this.. shocks me (yet also makes me very happy). We really are very close friends, as if we never broke up.
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After Jero left, I had a rare thing happen. Basically I was with Jellyosaurus at the time, and his BF who’s been playing lots of NeosVR was coming to join him. And no, it wasn’t a threesome. But I did it with Jelly, and then later I did it with his BF. They were both quite satisfied. So um, yeah. That was fun.
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So, what a year. Been quite a busy year IRL, since my father passed away. And now I have an ongoing issue where the annoying cat is really sick, and we’re having to wait ’till after New Years to get her up to the vet (via Uber) to see what’s been wrong with her for many months (why she’s been changing her habits).
Gonna be a ‘fun’ start to 2022. Oh, and that doesn’t cover the strong storms that are going to start around 10 this evening and last all morning and most of New Year’s Day.
What a great way to ring in 2022, huh?