…Why am I even still talking about him? You’d think this conversation would had been tagged and bagged by now; case closed, etc etc. But what I can say is I’m glad I have Kovo and Nova as really good supportive friends, who got me to see this from a different
angle– from my own words, of my struggles trying to maintain a healthy relationship with Jero.
So anyway, when I felt Harry was right (yet I still had SOO many questions), I saw Jero posting things in our server when I was on my phone, and tried to block him. Somehow the Discord app saw this as unfriending (even though Discord on my PC was acting as if he was blocked).
I realized the Discord app’s error when I tried to message him in hopes we can look around this and still be friends. But he…. he didn’t want to — demanding to know the name behind Harry before he would disclose anything with me (that could had proved his
innocence) — and also saying he told Frost who wants to know the name. I begged him to reconsider, to put himself in my shoes, that what Harry is doing was only “looking out for me”.
“Benie we shouldn’t be talking” is all he said. ..Jero, COME ON! I am willing to give you the benefit of a doubt! PLEASE!! Again, he refused to talk unless I gave him Harry’s actual name. He also told me that this has caused him to “hate furries” because of drama they cause. One time I told him to “calm down and think”, and he said “nope”.
—
I went to Harry, telling them what Jero said. They said “if you tell him I’m fucked”. No shit. We talked for awhile, and Harry was close to cracking and revealing themself to Jero in order to end these idiotic games. I actually felt “you know, maybe you should. Because what you did was for my best interests. Surely Frost would see this.” But they felt “what’s the point? This feels stupid.” It took awhile until I suddenly felt they were right about
that, and felt.. this has to be my fault, it’s got to be my fault. Why? ..Because I used the term ‘anonymous source’ instead of using what Harry said as my own words (ergo there would be no source, it would only be me and him).
This caused me to get extremely depressed for being a total jerk to Harry of not believing him before.
It was then when I felt as if my mind (common sense) and kindness (the nice Jero I remembered) were split in half, both arguing at themselves and me in the middle holding my ears and begging them to stop.
–
This is when Kovo started messaging me in Telegram. I was too depressed and upset at myself to really talk, but I did open up telling him everything that had happened. He told me it’s not my fault; that Jero had fucked up for not telling me before. But I wasn’t convinced.. there’s just no way you’re right Kovo. I know Jero, he wouldn’t had done this to me!! …WHY would he do this to me?! It makes NO SENSE!! This isn’t the Jero I remembered before!! What the HELL HAPPENED?! And this is what’s been driving me up the wall for quite some time.
Kovo tried explaining the reason, but I refused to accept it.. I didn’t want to accept it! This is not who Jero was! Suddenly, this happened. And it’s represented in this gif;
Looking to the left is hearing my friends try to explain that Jero is wrong. My “Jero couldn’t had done this” side is Tom. I’m Butch. The board represents possible answers.
Preparing to pick it up.. a reality check comes over me– Jero’s pfp.
“If Jero was innocent as you feel, why didn’t he change his pfp? Huh? If you know him ‘so well’, then he would had changed his pfp to show you he feels sorry for what he did. Wouldn’t he, Benie? He would had if he cared, wouldn’t he?.. Yeah, you realize now that you should had listened to Harry and been done with this BS.
Your answers, Benie.. were inside you all of this time; in your mind. Your doubts, were your answers!! …Funny how that works, huh? Your own doubts, over the year, was what actually happened.”
*cue Jackass image for realizing Harry and Kovo were right, and I was wrong hoping I was right* I look to the left, angered at myself for believing Jero cares anymore.
When finally realizing I was wrong, what did Kovo do? He says “didn’t I just say that?” I don’t see how that’s ‘helpful’ with how emotional I am and lashed out at him for what I felt he was being inconsiderate. I had to step away from the conversation and calm down for a bit, and why I tried I felt almost suicidal.. my mind feeling “I have nothing left to live for” while he kept messaging me in Telegram being sorry for the way he is.
Eventually I did calm down and apologize to him for snapping.
We didn’t speak of this again until later on, when I was in a private call with him and Nova on Discord. He told me that Nova would know what I’m going through, so I explained everything I felt and saw (from my past to present relationship).
Nova helped me to understand that the answer of what happened has been staring at me for months, shrugging, saying “so when are you going to notice me? These things happened.. have you forgotten? Think about me, Benie. Remember the past.”
The answer was pointing at the way Jero acted around others; him struggling to say “I’m with him” when I was next to him.. as if he had second thoughts. The messing around with
others, and saying “I’m joking!” to me. …Was he cheating on me? I stayed loyal to him, I gave him so much love and caring, I put him up on a pedestal (praising him). Yet he wasn’t showing the same.
Kovo wanted me to think of the times where Jero became less active with me, that it’s highly possible he’s been messing around instead of staying loyal, making up BS with him being “so tired” from work. Kovo reminded me how Nova worked very hard yet always had time for him.
==
Plus, there’s one thing that made Jero very, VERY guilty: him being online (green
status) on his laptop. Didn’t he say “I don’t have enough time to get on my laptop?” Lies. Especially how long he was on when I tried to talk to him.. an hour.
Lying sack of shit. I trusted you. I wanted to give you the benefit of a doubt. We could had made this work out as friends!! Instead you kept on being ‘paranoid’ trying to find out the name of who fucking caught your lying, cheating ass. 😒
So.. that’s it. It depresses me Jero didn’t want to tell the truth, and disturbs me he covered it up for so long with zero remorse. I could just hear Jero’s mind as he ERP’d with someone: “I don’t think I should do this.. I’m not being true to Benie. Actually you know what? Screw him, he’ll leave me on his own and find someone else eventually, and I’ll get away with this.”
Honestly I.. stopped being true as well, ERPing with Fluffy when feeling Jero just wasn’t there for me anymore. Yes, two wrongs don’t make a right… but he caused this (AGAIN). I did not choose to stop being loyal (unlike him), it was doubts.. that caused it.
…He could had saved himself if what Harry said wasn’t true, instead of being so focused trying to find Harry’s actual name. The worst part is, he could had confessed how wrong he was.. he couldn’t. even. do that. It was either find out who ratted him out, or he refused to talk. And at the end he blocked me for ‘siding’ with Harry, which I tried so fucking hard to explain that Harry only had my best interests in mind.
–
I just wish he was caught red-handed, then I could had ended the relationship my way.
.
I have nothing left to say, except I will do my best to not let my lonely heart be taken advantage of.. ever again. That is my promise to myself.
And to save me from any more heartache, anyone that asks about Jero.. I’m only going to say “I don’t wish to talk about it” and have it end there. ..That’s it, I just don’t want to talk about this ever again. Period. End of story.