Someone I swore I “found the one”, someone I swore that we would one day actually meet eachother IRL.. has been flawed from the start. And we are both to blame, however he needs to take more of it. Problem is, someone who swore will always be there for me and would never hurt me, just wasn’t there for me in the ways he needed to be.
It’s in the form of lies; doing these things only to make me happy.. never actually loving me as I did him– always giving me doubts. Or maybe he was right all along the last time we broke up, when he said “I don’t know how relationships work”.
One thing’s for sure, he never really did this back in January of this year for us to be back together. If he did, he would be trying his damnest to keep the relationship alive. ..He didn’t.
–
Maybe it wasn’t even his fault, but mine– may’ve seen my true colors, and didn’t want to hurt my feelings (by lying). And honestly I feel this is the truth, but my friends would
say “no, it’s him. It’s not your fault. He should had been honest with you!”
But now, he feels betrayed of me siding with someone who apparently had my back for a long time.. however it feels there’s more questions than answers that this anonymous source can give me (because I want them straight from Jero)…
Such as simply.. “what happened, to us”. And “why lie to me?” I told him dozens of
times, to not worry if it hurts my feelings.
But at this time, I feel it’s better off just telling myself “you’ll never get them. Just move on with your life.” Hopefully if (and that is a big IF) I do meet someone like (or even better than) Jero, that they won’t cause me to doubt their love, or lie to me. ..I think finding someone that’s like Jero (and is interested in dating me) is the only way for me to truly forget about him, so I can finally move on. Yet I tried in the past, and it failed (with the group) to the point I was forced to disband it. But that’s where I fucked up, and I’m not making that mistake again.
–
–
To explain my re-relationship with Jero (that started January of this year), sure it started quite rocky with the whole spy thing (and then Suppy came and left).
But after all of that died down, it was definitely everything I ever wanted from him; saying “I love you”, him saying I’m his BF to others, him having me on his arm… and I can’t forget when me and him were cuddling in that world with the Japan skyline at night. That, was so romantic. 💞
But after May 13th (after that conversation about communication), I saw Jero less and less online to the point he’s too busy to ever play VRChat anymore. I wanted to be OK with
it, to just love the person behind the avatar. To just, talk to him in a voice chat (even though most if not all the time I wouldn’t really know what to say, unlike Kovo and Nova). Hell, whenever Jero joined the voice chat with the rest of us, “hey hun!” would be the only thing I’d say to him (and then go back to what I was doing).
In late August, one of my good friends (Timber) got married in VRChat. That’s when I started questioning myself, of how much do I love Jero.. what do I love about him
IRL?
And never meeting him outside of that video call with him helping me do the case swap, I could never truthfully answer that question (except from saying ‘his voice’). And that’s when things started to slowly get worse– him becoming more distant, not having time to come on just to say hi to me in DMs (him claiming he’s always busy with work trying to get enough money to move out and into an apartment).
All month of September, that’s what I believed in. And I prayed that one day next year when COVID goes away (hopefully it’s next year.. might be 2022 or later, I dunno), he could meet me IRL. Surely, that day would come, right?
…Right??
No. That day will never come, and how that happened, follows.
–
Three days ago, I’m playing Destiny 2 with Kovo. He left the game to go talk his crush Nova. That same night, the anonymous source arrives and begins speaking to me (that I will be referencing as “Harry” who has no gender), telling me something I kind of already knew; Jero’s in Frost’s discord server. But after that, it made me start to think.
“Wait a minute.. just how active has Jero been in that server?” My suspicions started to grow of thinking Jero may’ve been lying to me about “being tired” from work. Tried to get them under control and just focus on the game, and managed to do so.
Today I decided to talk to Harry about Jero (wanting to know how active he is). All Harry said is Jero’s been spending more time messaging and talking in there than our
server.
I originally thought “Well, Jero sees Frost as a brother, so that would make sense why he would be more active in there.” …But what did bother me is just how frequent he’s been in there. Since nearly mid-September, the source revealed Jero’s been active nearly every DAY in that discord server.
Huh. For someone who claims they’re working their ass off and never has time to say hi to me.. yeah, highly suspicious. ..It seems my doubts of Jero claiming he’s so tired, may’ve not been misplaced. So Jero, could I possibly hear the TRUTH.. for once?
–
He doubled down on the “being tired” claim, also saying he now has a second job. Said his UberEats job isn’t paying as much as he needs to get the fuck out of his parents
house, but is keeping it as a backup. I mean, that’s perfectly understandable.
Then I mentioned about the anonymous source and the claims Harry made against him. I was hoping and praying Jero would see the error of his ways, and everything would be great again. I mean, I don’t care if you’re not able to ever get on VRChat anymore. I just wanna chat with the love of my life.
..Instead he shifts the blame to the anonymous source, saying “so who told you this information? Was it Kandy? Was it Wufy?” ..Does that even MATTER?! Come ON Jero! Do you even remember the conversation you, me, Avaris and Wufy had with you about working on communication?! You’re not doing it! All you’re doing is hurting me right now of not making me doubt you!
—
I went back to Harry and told him everything. They told me that it’s clear that Jero is lying to me by shifting the blame.. by not even trying to keep this relationship alive, and I shouldn’t doubt it.
Then Jero said something that surprised me; moving away from who did it, he was
all “honestly, you should look for someone else to date. We can just be friends. I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you. It’s not fair that I haven’t been there for you. :(”
Well, no shit Sherlock. Again, you haven’t even tried to keep this relationship together by doing the #1 important thing that I (and others) have tried to hammer into your
head.. communication. Without communication, relationships fall. Friendships fall into this too. But instead of improving yourself, you feel you’re “not good enough” for me.
At that time I’m thinking I ‘fucking called it’ when Jero told me a long time ago that he doesn’t know how relationships work. Clearly, he doesn’t, and he doesn’t need to be dating anyone until he gets his priorities straight.
So at the end, I wasn’t able to close the relationship the way I wanted to (to be the one that calls it), which is quite disappointing.
==
*sigh* But, whatever. Fine Jero. You wanna ‘just be friends’ because you don’t wanna try to learn how to maintain a healthy relationship? Then go ahead, leave me. 😒
Felt glad it was over. Felt glad I no longer have to be concerned of him not saying hi to me. And especially no longer do I have to be concerned of others giving me weird looks when they see the doll on my horn. And I’m sure he’s relieved as well, knowing he doesn’t have to ‘worry’ about being there for me.
When I told Harry that it’s over, they told me I “did the right thing in more than one
way”, saying they read my blogs of the struggles I had trying to find someone to replace Jero last year (and never really feeling it).. becoming obsessed of trying to get him back in my life, and saying I’m “doing what I should had done over a year ago”– letting Jero
go, and moving on.
.
I did agree at that time, and felt.. done. I felt nothing; not even that empty void that wants to be filled. Have I finally moved away from looking for a relationship? Quite possible.
But, I wouldn’t really turn down the chance to get into another (if the person is like or better than Jero).
Started to feel, if Jero ever did have romantic feelings for me (even in the past), or was only saying all of those things just to make me happy.
But all I can say is, I pray that I will never, ever have another love that would make me so obsessed for months on end in trying to undo something I said (that was spoken incorrectly), to the point I’m trying to show the person and their.. unstable BF, that I am ready to move on and to wish them lots of luck (and not be called a “creepy stalker”).
EDIT: This. just. fucking hurts to see, Jero. First you break my heart, now it’s like you’re pretending we never fucking dated..
This was a picture of us from the ‘2019 dating cycle’ we did, that he cropped out to only have him. So yeah, he’s doing this, and it definitely does hurt.
But…WHY?! WHY, Jero?! You go from someone who swore you would never hurt or leave me, TO THIS!! What. the. FUCK?! And to the time I’m partially editing all of this (November 1st and 2nd), he still has this pfp.
Jero’s the only one I know, who puts his life infront of an active relationship. Nova works a lot, but still has time to be with Kovo. I wish I could feel Jero didn’t mean to do what he did. I wish I could say “COVID ruined my chance to meet him IRL”.
But Harry spoke to me (checking up on me since what happened) and showed me that Jero’s been (obviously) brushing off the breakup like nothing happened (not talking about it at all to his friends).
To say he “used me”.. yes, I can safely say that now. He used me twice. He hasn’t even spoke to me since. ..Just, wow. Some ‘friend’ you are. This claim of being active in Frost’s server was because it’s in his timezone, is BS. He’s been in our voice chat before. So not only did he distance himself from me, he distanced himself from Kovo and the others.
He always had feelings for Frost since he met him. He even told me that once.
Couldn’t say anything more true. Not only was I a fool for thinking he had romantic feelings for me, but for becoming obsessed of winning him back by undoing a mistake.
Fluffy was right, even Jusper was right: love can never truly come from distant relationships. I’m better off with the whole ‘friends with benefits’ thing.
EDIT2: *sigh*
It should had ended with what Harry’s been telling me. It should had been enough and I should had moved on with that knowledge. …But no. Suddenly I’m no longer satisfied. Knowing that Jero is shrugging this off like nothing happened, suddenly pissed me off.
So I went behind the back of Harry (didn’t tell them until later) and sent a few paragraphs to Jero, wanting answers from him instead of someone else.
After I did, I then told Harry, who was understandably disappointed I went this route. “You have your answers” they said, but I tried explaining that I wanted answers directly from Jero.
This is when Jero responded. I was unsure if I wanted to read what he said and waited for awhile for him to finish, as I heard Discord constantly sending notification after notification. Once he was done, I sent the entire thing to Harry. Glancing over the first paragraph with Jero saying “I already know who the anonymous source is”.. thankfully it wasn’t Harry who he claimed was.
Harry wasn’t happy with what Jero said to me, and then said “well here you go, your answers: he lied claiming your relationship was ruined because of his paranoid
nature, blaming your anonymous source, instead of doing what he can to save your relationship. …He clearly never loved you as much as you loved him, and you’re better off not reading what he said, or it will hurt you.”
What, the hell, happened.. to us, Jero? Why, did you lie when you swore you’d never hurt me!? Why did you even want to restart our relationship, in January?! I bet the whole spy thing was a lie too, wasn’t it?? Was I just a fucking plaything to you?!
Harry wanted to rip Jero a new one for what he did to me, and asked me if he should. I paused, then said “no”. The simple reason is I don’t want Frost to get involved in this
BS, and Harry agreed; feeling Frost would likely be looking for a ‘spy’ and eventually reveal who Harry is.
…Jero, at least CHANGE your fucking pfp to something that doesn’t remind me of us!! That’s really all I ask.
–
I still wonder though; what the fuck happened between us. I assumed we were very happy together. Sure at times I had doubts, but they always got erased by him. Then he starts ghosting me for no reason, and not wanting to admit he was wrong. We could had fixed this, we could had been happy.
At times I wish I could sit down with him, and we could settle this like adults. No more blaming anyone else, just take blame for what you did. That is all I ask.
But a thought comes to me; what if Harry may’ve been misinformed all of this time, and Jero’s been telling the truth (in his own way)? I mean, think about it.
– He needs the extra money, so he could eventually move out. That would make sense to get a second job, right?
=
– He claims the reason why he hasn’t been that active in our discord (and with me) is they’re not really in his timezone. “But Benie, he was able to say hi to you and Kovo before! He’s lying!” you’re probably saying, but hear me out. ..Life changes, and likely life has changed for him that he can’t do what he has done in the past. I read what he said that I sent to Harry, and he said (and I quote): “..things have began to change drastically. So much to the fact I am unable to sit on my laptop anymore because I am constantly working”. ..Does this sound like a liar? I– don’t think so.
=
-I felt before, he never cared to keep our relationship alive; that he used me. But I’m starting to doubt my doubts. He told me, he “would never hurt me”. He probably had no intention of doing so. Hell, he probably did want it to work, but he likely knew in the back of his mind that this is.. probably sadly no longer possible (hence what he said above). COVID has really fucked shit up for him if that’s the honest truth, and I’m starting to believe it.
=
– And finally, the pfp. …Was the change, truly intended to piss me off, or was it something he had to do quickly as he didn’t have enough time to change it (due to always having to work)? Did I simply assume he did it just to spite me? ..I say, possibly. I do not wish to think it was intended, at all.
Notice how pretty much everything I said, ties into that quote…? This is why I want to believe him. I don’t believe he’s an asshole anymore. The only true asshole that has robbed me of being truly happy, is COVID-19. ..I knew there was a kind side somewhere hidden in him, and after reading that message, I can see it.
Then again, Harry could’ve been right all along and I’m wasting my time looking for some sort of miracle, instead of moving on from him. But I’ve got to hear it from Jero’s heart before I believe anyone. That message felt it was coming from his heart.. his broken
heart, caused by my fucking doubts.
The other reason why I want to believe him, is he hasn’t blocked me on Steam. I feel he wants to tell me, but is saddened I listened to Harry instead of him.