Jero, almost a year ago, said to me “I don’t know how relationships work”. Jero, about a week ago, said how dating is “a lot of pressure” to him (feeling he has to be perfect).
I managed to convince him that he doesn’t have to be perfect and I’ll still love him. And I thought everything was fine.
Yet why am I feeling there’s something wrong, something very odd about him? Because there is something wrong, and I’m not being paranoid.
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I’m seeing signs our relationship is dying.
1. Staying offline, ever since that conversation I had with those friends that ended with him needing to work on communication. Even though it’s been a week since it’s happened, he’s still doing this.
2. Not asking me anymore if I’m doing alright (in Discord).
3. A day ago, he was tired and I told him goodnight and that I loved him. I never
received “I love you too”. Or “you too”. Just, silence. And that was the last time he ever responded to me.
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As of this time (and I have to continue feeling this), I do not feel he’s doing this to upset me (or is my fault in any way).
When he said “I never want to hurt you”, disappearing like this is possibly his promise. Him feeling “please don’t be upset, Benie. Never was this your fault, it’s mine. Your friends have shown me this, and you deserve someone better. I don’t want you to ‘tolerate’ me. I want you to be happy, and I just don’t feel you’re truly happy with me. Again it’s not your fault. Please do not miss me. Just forget about me, and move on.”
And if that’s true, this silence clearly speaks it. The way he acted that night, it’s just… this feels what he would ‘say’ without saying anything.
A friend who helped me that night, he feels Jero doesn’t understand how important it is to maintain a relationship with communication. This, makes so much sense of the way he felt pressured and stressed over dating– Jero could be beating himself up over this (hence why I say what he would feel). And honestly, he has been struggling with this since Day 1. Probably left his current Discord account inactive and created an alt account.
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But if it’s not that, then there’s these possible other reasons;
1. His family found out about us, and has forbidded me from ever seeing him again (and probably threw him out of the house).
2. He’s having serious computer issues (yet he could be using his phone to contact me).
3. He’s having serious internet issues.
4. He’s working again, and hasn’t had time to talk to me (yet that didn’t stop him in the past).
5. He’s trying (or been told) to get his sleep schedule back to normal (might be tied to the 4th thing). <- Highly possible over what he told me ingame
6. Family financial issues. Family can no longer pay the internet or electricity bill.
7. A death within his family, needs time to cope.
8. Coronavirus managed to infect him.
But whatever’s going on with him, never should I feel this is ‘my fault’ for any of this. And especially never feel he’s delibertly doing this. My mind keeps making me feel this, but I must resist this negative feeling. ..I have to power through it, even if or when I have to accept I may never see him again.
Because of this, it makes me wish I still had Suppy as a friend. If this is Jero’s way of saying goodbye without saying anything, Suppy would had stolen the chance to win my heart.
But, more than likely, he has me blocked by now. But if he doesn’t, and if I ever do see him again, I want to greatly apologize for the way I acted. It’s just, he came on so strong and so unexpected, I didn’t know how to handle it.
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Then again, there’s always Blue. We could start dating again. …I know I’m doing this way too fast of trying to ‘replace’ Jero (I never would really), but I have to prepare for a just incase scenario (to have someone I can fall back on, so I won’t feel alone).
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Overall, I’m going to wait two weeks from the time I’ve made this blog post. If I don’t hear back from Jero by then… *sigh*, I can then safely assume we’re no longer a thing and he wants me to move on.
But why two weeks and not just a week? Incase if he does have COVID-19, I want to give him the benefit of a doubt that he’ll come back after he begins the recovery process.
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So, good news and ‘bad’ news since I typed this. It’s been 2 & 1/4 days since I last talked to him. And that news is, he talked to me! The reason why he was gone was him being such a heavy sleeper (that and he’s 5 hours ahead of me). Makes me even more wish I could go there and say hi.
And the (odd) reason he was unable to use his phone and say “hi”, is something on the lines of.. removing Discord from his phone because he was ‘lost in the countryside’ and Google Maps needed an update. I’m glad he found his way back, but I’m very confused here. Why would you need to remove Discord from your phone just because Google Maps needs an update? Unless, he didn’t have enough space on his phone for both (highly possible).
Both of them are pretty big apps, so.. yeah. It’s possible.