I go from having two very good days of being with Jero, to still thinking over what Cola told me yesterday that still shakes me to the core over what he’s going through. Yet he shakes it off, not because he’s a fighter.. only that he’s given up. And it makes me think about myself, which I’m trying to push those thoughts out… but I can’t.
But before I explain that in its entirety, I need to go over something that’s been happening for about three days now; a collaborative effort between myself and Aftershock, trying to hammer into Fluffy’s head the importance of not only getting a good night’s sleep, but focusing on his schoolwork (to get a good job in the future). In a way you could see this being as “my little boy is growing up into a man!! 😅” Except he’s not ‘my’ boy, he’s my RP son that I sometimes wish I could ‘pass the reins’ to Aftershock (or someone else that could care for him better than I could). Sadly I seem to be the only one ‘qualified’ for the job, and Aftershock’s too busy with his life to do it.
So that’s why Aftershock’s been giving me ‘father training’ to better help me handle Fluffy. And it’s been quite grueling, especially when Fluffy’s all “please go easy on me”.
Where the hell do I even start with that, Aftershock?! It’s like I’m having to change, so he’ll change. And that’s not fair!
Anyway, I’m mainly tired of Fluffy always staying up too late to be with me, and going to bed after school. I feel he’s not getting enough sleep. Claims he’s going to fix his sleep schedule and never does it.
But this isn’t where it sparked from.. this is from something that he still can’t shake off that I assumed was dead and buried since it was last talked about two weeks ago.
That thing is his obsession of wanting to have virtual sex with Blue, and about three days ago in the movie world, he wouldn’t even listen to me when I told him to please stop– all he did was shake his head in defiance.
Asked him “what happened about this thing where you promised you would listen to me?” Again, shook his head no. I literally had to put my avatar’s rear end infront of Blue’s for Fluffy to stop these childish games, and that worked. He went to go cry in a corner, though I wanted him to think about what he done so I left him alone.
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There was another issue. Before this even happened, he was the instance owner of the world. Aftershock wanted to join, and he wouldn’t let him (all because Aftershock’s friends with Ashi– Fluffy’s sworn enemy). I had to go behind his back and make a new instance while he was sulking, to let Aftershock in. There I explained the entire thing to him, plus trying to explain to Fluffy what’s going on is unacceptable. “Two weeks, Fluffy. Two weeks I had to deal with this about you… and you still have feelings for him?!” You folks can understand my frustration, at least I hope. But at the same time, I can understand him. Two weeks isn’t going to erase the memories one had with a person. But I just wish, it wasn’t someone in my group (Blue) that he can’t get over!!
I think he needs to take a break for a week, from not just VRChat, but from me, so he can rethink his life. And he very much didn’t like that idea of leaving me. And hell, if you can’t handle being without me for a week.. try forever if you mess up like this again, Fluffy. I still promised Sunset I would do the thing.
Later I told Aftershock this, who feels permablocking Fluffy isn’t the best idea.. but having him take a break from VRChat, is. However I believe that’s been put on hold, and instead he’s been teaching me how to use stronger (more ‘I am your father, you will listen to
me’) words. He feels I’m father material, why I keep doubting myself of that. How in the heck am I to be an assertive (RP) father, when I feel so annoyed over the smallest of things? And the problem with this whole RP thing.. Fluffy wants me to be his actual
father– someone he ‘can trust’.
And this trust thing is a problem all by itself, with how I feel he’s not focusing on school. For the longest time, I felt it was exactly that; talking to me in Discord, means he’s not focusing on his schoolwork. But he actually sees me as friend too, as he has no school friends. And that’s his own fault for not trying to make friends. If he’s to get a job, most of them would require him to be a people-person. Having knowledge of being friends and caring for others, they would want him to use that in the workplace.
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So, I’ve been having him get to bed at 1am my time (10pm his) for him to get enough
sleep, and it seems to be working. But a problem has arisen from it where he’s getting unexplained headaches since this started. Thought it was stress, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Could also be a change in the weather. But it’s making me stressed that we might be pushing him too much.
Did finally find out the reason.. it’s because how I’ve kept him from talking to me. And so I will allow him to do so, as he promised he will do his “highest best in school”. This not only de-stresses him, it de-stresses myself.
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And now the other thing, about Cola. He finally came on after spending three days offline. The day before yesterday (an hour before I had to go to bed), I was talking to him about looking for ideas of chill poses, and he said he would get in full body and show me some ideas of his. It took him a half an hour until it was too late and I had to go.
Yesterday when he came on, I asked if he was willing to show me these poses. He said in a DM; “I’m not going to be doing anything extremely for a long time”. Uhhh.. I, didn’t ask for you to do anything ‘extreme’. Just you offered to show me ideas, and if this is not a good time, all you have to do is say that.
He activates his mic, asking me “have you ever been told ‘you have X to live?'” My
jaw, immediately dropped to the floor. I…..I can’t even explain what was going through my mind in mere words, like I had stopped breathing for a bit.
Told me he has 2-3 years to live.
I…I… this can’t be HAPPENING!! You’re.. too YOUNG to die!! There MUST be a mistake!!
He’s 21.. HOW can one die at such a young age?! Yet he looks at me and says “ehh, death isn’t that bad.” So, there you go. You’re just gonna.. give up, just like that. You’re not going to prove the doctor wrong by trying everything you can to live longer.
Said he could extend it by 30 years if he did.. something, he wasn’t clear on what it
was, but he could live to be 41 if he tried.
Told him “Then I will make the 2-3 years left of your life the happiest that I can possibly make it!” And all he said was to not worry about it.
So, you just want me to forget that in 2-3 years, I’ll never see you again.
……But, he does have a point. 2-3 years, is still a long time. That’s like, 2022’ish. What’s going to happen between now and then? No-one knows. We could all die from a
meteor, being shot by a disturbed person, being in a serious accident where no-one survives.
Or, everyone could..
Anything could happen in 2-3 years. But what’s important is living each day as if it was your last, and realizing you have people you can come to for support.
I hope Cola sees this and realizes he’s not alone, that it’s OK to be scared about something like this. And heck it may not even happen at all, the doctor could be wrong and Cola would live a long and happy life.
I just, need to get that in my own head and pretend he never said that, and continue to love him as if he’ll live forever. That is what he wants (which is also what I want), and so he shall get it.