Typical rollercoasters are supposed to be fun, exciting, and challenging to help you get over your fear of being on one.
..But the rollercoaster Cola unintentionally put me on, was not fun. And I was stuck on that thing, for four days as my mental health deteriorated every passing day. I was losing patience in everyone thinking they could get me off of this ride, because the only one that could… was the one that put me on it. But when I saw my son being placed on the ride with me for just trying to help of trying to get Cola to stop the ride, I knew I needed to find a way off.
So I found the brake for the ride and got both of us off, swearing to confront him about
it (that it’s not Fluffy’s fault, it’s mine if you want a reason to be pissed being the reason why you put me on here). I told him that he could could had stopped that ride at
anytime, by not using these two words; “stop trying”. Those two words bothered my mind so much, that created this emotional rollercoaster. But he was extremely sorry for
his “horrible horrible non-existing feelings” and asking for another chance.
I forgave him. However, I still feel that giving him another chance is somewhat unlikely at this point.
And now I know the absolute truth of why I’ve had so many doubts with Cola (and could be the same answer for Jero).. it’s the same reason why I wanted Fluffy not to be part of the group; the enormous age gap. Even though he’s over 18, he still doesn’t really like the fact I’m 43. Said that everything else that I’ve done, is “perfect”. The only thing stopping him from truly saying that he loves me, is this age gap. At one time he was almost willing to forget it and actually say that he loves me, but I told him the decision is up to him. To me, I have absolutely no problem with the age gap. Because if I did, I would had never pursued trying to get him to get out of that shell. I would had been happy with just Red and Blue.
As long as you’re 20 and over, I have no problem with age. But since he does, then he has to make a tough but firm decision if it’s worth continuing this, or stop but remain as just really good friends. I also told him “nomatter what happens, I’ll still be a best friend to you. That’s never going to change.” I’m also eternally grateful he’s being completely honest with me. Honesty is another key to a healthy relationship.
…But this thing about being bothered by age, begs the question of how Blue and Red love me (despite the huge age gap). I mean, one can only safely assume “Cola is different than them. Everyone’s different in their own way, which is what makes us special.” Except my mindset is like ‘2D’; it sees what’s infront of it, but not what’s behind.
Anyway, I personally feel Cola will see it’s best that we just remain as friends. I just don’t see it going any further after this point. Infact I give it a 70% chance he’ll say that.
..But, who knows. Maybe a miracle will happen. It definitely did (IMO) when I was able to speak to Cola again. So maybe it’ll happen again with this.
So to explain what really started this emotional rollercoaster (from where I had thought I broke him out of that shell), I’ll try to be as brief as I can. So, he started acting
strangely (and no longer responding to my DMs in Discord). Strange as in being with me and then suddenly going to another world without saying anything. One time I thought he was going to get his full body set up, only to find out 20 minutes later.. he’s playing another game. And then came the “was it something I said? Was it something I did?”
It got to the point where I was.. forced where I had Fluffy talk to Cola for me (as I needed someone to do so, and there was no-one that I could really trust). So I had to scrape the bottom of the barrel and have him do it. But he had to go to bed afterwards, so I had to do the talking.
And this is where Cola could had saved me from that emotional rollercoaster, instead of making me feel all of my effort of trying to get him out of that shell.. was in vain. Instead it was four days that I wouldn’t wish even on my greatest enemy (which.. hell, would be myself. But I digress). Aftershock tried to pull me off of that rollercoaster, telling me
to “just give it time”. Luna (Cola’s former BF) told me the same thing, yet couldn’t give me a clear answer if it was even worth trying again.
Two, nearly managed to get me off that coaster… the two that I love; BlueBio and Red Fox. First it was Red Fox, giving me the facts how “we are definitely more than friends” and how he doesn’t do sexual things “out of pity”– he means them as it feels natural to him.
And Blue, when I told him about Cola, the first thing he did was hug me, and then
say “there’s nothing you’ll say that will scare me away, I’m stuck with you”.
So now I know those two truly do love me, they will likely be the only ones I have left if Cola decides we should remain as good friends.
And so, that’s pretty much it in a nutshell; nearly a week of this shit, compressed into a neat package. As said before, I will continue to wait for Cola to get back to me with an answer. Might even make a much more detailed version of this (explaining every day of this living hell) if I get enough requests for it.