It was April 15th when I said “it’s been awhile” since I made a post, due to no drama going on. Now there’s too much for my heart to take.
So I’m going to leave the virtual sex parts out of this post, and flat-out say “I am now bi and don’t mind it anymore.” Yes, you heard me. That first ‘one night stand’ with
Garruk, I feel I can no longer declare myself as straight (and I’m perfectly fine with
it).. though there’s still one side of my brain that’s all “…WHAT THE FUCK AM I SAYING?!?!”.
Bi-curious is my new orientation.
But of course, these sudden things happening, my brain wanting more (then drama
hits) is becoming a toll on my mental health. What’s bad about the second one, is this is the same Jusper that has a modded client. Sarge, Lich and the others are of course labeling him as an avatar stealer (as that’s easy to do). At least, if there was no proof of what he
did, I’m curious if Jusper actually had feelings for me (and would be willing to turn it into an actual relationship).
Honestly, though… I never even expected this to happen!! When he was snuggling me, I thought that was how it was going to stay. Then he asked “do you feel it”, I was shocked. This is a guy who told me over and over, he isn’t interested in online relationships… yet he’s asking me this?? I said, hesitantly “yeah.. kind of”. Then he blew my mind again by saying we can go to a private world and “do it”.
Did he truly have feelings for me (or feel sorry of how lonely I am)..? It’s driving me insane. Maybe he doesn’t know why he did that. I wanna ask him, yet at the same time I don’t..
–
Because, just like the drama that happened after my time with Garruk, drama happened here as well. And this drama is 5 times worse than cheating on one’s boyfriend.
Essentially, Jusper broke our trust for distributing the Dutchie 3.0 model. He also broke my heart. So the question is… why? Why did he do this? Since Drafy of all people is the one that accepted the model, I have to talk to him. Had to coax him as warm-hearted as I could into talking, with the hell he went through having to explain it to several others. And he told me the truth that he did indeed take the model (and knew it was stolen). Disappointed in him. But when he told me he got rid of it, I forgave him.
For the next day, I tried getting some more detail about what happened with the time of him receiving the model from Jusper. I was only able to get one thing, before he was done dealing with the drama and wanted to move on. As much as my brain demanded knowledge, I obeyed to his request. It appears my answers are going to have to come from the source– Jusper himself. After sending him a friend invite in Discord (that he quickly accepted), I was able to get all of them answered. And this is what I know;
-He “doesn’t know why” he gave the model to Drafy, but later feels he may’ve felt sorry for him.
-Plasmic legitimately got the model from Nappz, making him clear of all accusations.
-He is unaware of any link to the model that Kovo claims. For the longest time, he felt he’s the only one that got the model illegit.
-It’s now confirmed Kovo was right of how Jusper got the model (from NapPie). Which means he was only lying to protect him.
-If he gets banned, he’ll come back, remove all of his friends, and start over.
That evening, war was declared on Jusper, and I became the monkey in the middle. Started with Sarge randomly DMing me as I was working on completely rewriting this post, wanting my ‘permission’ to ruin Jusper’s life; saying how it’ll be “across the board”. I was originally going to say “do whatever you want dude, but I want no part of this”. But I felt by saying that, he would get highly suspicious that I was defending Jusper.
Instead, I decided to use his bias against modded clients by playing along. I even
said “yeah, death to all avatar stealers!! They need to burn in a fire!!” Just trying to ham it on Sarge and his biasness. At this time, I was also sending everything being said to
Kovo.
He (Kovo) called me to discuss what’s going on. Then I saw Sarge and Lich start flooding our Discord with proof Jusper distributed the avatar. ..Wait, what?! This isn’t what I mean by giving them permission! When they said “across the board”, I thought they meant about contacting the admins and getting Jusper banned.. not post it here!! FUCK!!! GOD DAMNIT!!!
Scrambling to prove to Kovo I never gave them permission to do this, Sarge then posts the DM that he and I had as an attempt to show ‘proof’ I gave them permission. This forced me to defend myself that I never said that they could post it in the Discord. When that got out, Kovo got pissed at Sarge and started deleting all the pictures they sent, while I’m still scared I’m going to be forced to choose a side (and lose friends).
Vale joined the call about that time, and Kovo showed us the DMs between him and Lich that lead up to this. In the DM’s, Lich claims that he tried to make peace with Jusper, then saw that Jusper was going to release the model to the public. Wow. I went to Jusper in shock that he would say that, but he convinced me he was bluffing, and said he doesn’t believe in the BS that Lich wants peace.
Went back to Kovo and Vale, Vale’s telling us Sarge threatened to unfriend him for “taking sides”. He now pissed at Sarge over that. …And then I found that Jusper is now pissed at me. He saw the DM and said “Nice man.” I pray he meant it as a compliment. …..It wasn’t. He blocked me. Fuuuuuuck!!! God DAMNIT, Sarge! I lost a friend because you backed me into a corner and I couldn’t think straight!! And now my mind sees myself pulling out a gun and ending it. Felt like I nearly lost my will to live. So Vale tried to explain to Jusper that those words were only used as an act to keep Sarge from getting suspicious. But he was still mad, and Vale told me to give Jusper some space.
*deep sigh* Fine, but I felt like shit since then. ..Yet, why did Sarge come up to ME in the first place (instead of Kovo)?! It’s HIS Discord server, why come to me?!
The two had theories, but nothing really made sense.
–
Things started to slightly die down and Kovo went ingame, hoping not to deal with the drama. But the drama came to him, and he discovered the reason why Sarge came to me. First off, Sarge is all all “I’m done” with all of this (and has left that group). Then Kovo tells me “Ben, you were used”. ..Used?? Yep, Lich is calling the shots now, and he’s still hellbent on ruining Jusper’s life. So.. he ruined my life by getting Sarge to tell me. That means both Sarge and I were used. So, Sarge isn’t the bad guy. Lich is.
Lovely. He won’t have that fucking smug face after I’m done with him!! He doesn’t realize the pain he just caused. I might never be able to tell Jusper how sorry I am, thanks to
you, asshole. May YOU burn in a fire.. *sigh* I don’t actually mean this, but getting in the way of love pisses me off. 🙁
Lich clearly cares more about that model than his friends. It’s childish. He’s only going to ruin his reputation (and possibly his relationship with Azure) when it’s all said and done. And I’m all for it.
Half an hour passes as things continue to die down, Vale gets out of the call and Kovo’s also getting ready to leave it, then suggests that I write an apology letter to Jusper and he’ll screenshot and send it to him. Vale comes back and kind of agrees to Kovo’s
suggestion (even though he feels Jusper just needs some time). So I get started typing my feelings in. Takes me 15 minutes trying to think of the best way to say it, and then send it to Vale when I feel I’m ready (so he can go over it and make sure I’m right in my words). With everything good, he sends it.
20 minutes later, we go in General chat as things have died down. Jusper sends me a friend invite and then also joins the chat. I hesitantly say “Hey” and “I hope this means you have forgiven me”. He says it’s all good. Thank goodness. And thank you, Kovo.
–
So we’re all talking now, and one time both Kovo and Vale go AFK. This gave Jusper the green light to talk to me about how I felt about him (as a person), which was part of the apology letter. He told me “it wasn’t pity why I did it with you”. The word ’embarrassed’ wouldn’t work for this scenario, as Kovo and Vale were still there listening in.
Dunno what to say. Feel like I just lost any chance that we’ll ever get that feeling again that we had the night before all of this shit hit the fan. Scared to ask now, especially with Lich going to every Discord server he can on his ‘righteous’ smear campaign to ruin
him.
I think it’s time to take Lone up on that offer, to help find a group outside of Kovo’s and hope I can find someone that would share the same interests as me (and would think I’m pretty cool to hang around). But Lone himself, when I asked for a hug of what was going on, seemed like he’s either neutral or siding with Lich. So much for relying on him to help me fill this (unintentional) void that Jusper left.
So.. once again, guess I’m on my own. Either I let the pain heal on its own and move on from it (which is what Lone said to do), or I try to find someone myself (without feeling desperate). It’s going to be very hard, since I’m shy and have little to no social
experience. 😐
I dunno why I even have friends. Well, apart from true friends. But some of them could be influenced by Lich. Others (like Dorrvivx), don’t really need to know. Because he nearly did the same thing Lich is doing, but for the Sunken Boi. If it wasn’t for Kovo and Vale calming him down, who knows what would had happened.