I don’t think I have ever cried so hard in VR. One moment, I was so happy to be with him. And the next, he’s breaking up with me. This time, it wasn’t my fault. Yet I feel like it is.
For almost two weeks, I’ve been madly inlove with WufferTheWolf.. even though I hardly knew him more than just a random friend, but we had something really special between us. And it got to a point to where I was proud to call him my boyfriend, even adding his avatar to mine (something I’ve never done before).
A few days after, I felt I was losing control of this relationship. He wanted to spend so much time with me, I never had time to make a blog post (aka, why it took ’till now to do it). I literally disconnected my cable modem to prevent Discord from logging me in, so I could prepare a paragraph to tell him. I was ready to face him dumping me, over my RL. I also put in the paragraph, how I “want this to be in the confines of VRChat”. Aka, to say I wasn’t ready to go further until I felt confident enough, and he would be willing to take care of me when my mother dies.
Went back online and sent him the entire thing, expecting him to read it all. But all he really read was how I have a mental disability, and said he would love me nomatter what.
I assumed he read it all, so I went with it and felt happy he understood the ‘guy behind the dragon avatar’ (as I put it).
A week had passed since the relationship started, and I wanted to spice things up by including sex (yet myself saying that I’m a giver only). He said “I’m usually a giver too, but if I’m to be your taker, I’m fine with it”. So, I assumed he was interested. I even made
sure, by asking him again. And he said he was fine with it. But with all things I do, this went a bit too far and started making him somewhat uncomfortable. So I stopped and told him I would happily go back to kissing and cuddling, no problem. And it seemed everything was OK between us. We were still hugging and kissing, and stuff like that. We were even ‘sleeping together’ via our phones. Aka, I call him and put my phone near my bed, and I could hear him snoring. It was pretty cute. He also encouraged me to buy a phone similar to his (an iPhone 6S), to replace my aging Samsung phone. He said with it, I would be able to hear him a lot better (and even be able to use my earbuds without the mic disabling).
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But a day later, I started noticing a change in the way he acted; going on VRChat less and
less (and playing a game called ‘Wizard 101’ a lot), and only getting on when I wanted to. And even when I was on, I noticed he was hanging out with others, yet I was fine with it as he always came over and kissed me, to let me know he still loved me.
…Yesterday, is when things drastically started changing. He joined me in VRChat, yet not to be with me. He stopped talking in the private Discord group DM we were in, and I even watched him being cuddled by a random. He never looked behind him to see me standing there in complete shock.. like he was ignoring me.
Went to go see a few friends, hoping I could ask them of what should I do.. but I didn’t really want to say anything (as I was still in the call with him). This almost felt like he was cheating on me, but I didn’t want to believe it; it had to have been a mistake. Eventually went to see Azure, who said to just speak to him.
Wuffer joined here, and I thought maybe he wanted to apologize.. only to walk right past me as if I didn’t exist. What the hell did I say that offended him?! Is my life just too boring for him? Is VRChat boring and he would like to play other games with me? I didn’t know. He wouldn’t tell me anything… so, I just let him do his own thing, and hoped he would tell me later on. Maybe I was just overreacting as usual, and everything would be fine.
Later that evening, I’m talking to Sarge and the others over an issue I’ve been having with my avatar; how the jaw is stuck open since the latest VRChat update. Noticed I’m getting invites to join Kovo’s world and tell them, who told me not to worry about it.
But Kovo kept spamming me with invites. Okay, fine. Geeze! The fuck does he want!? Got to the world (Kovo’s first world) and go over to him. Yell at him for spamming me with invites, then I see Wuffer there. I go over and try to kiss him, yet he looked like something was really bothering him. I saw him moving his hands, as if he was about to go to another world and leave me here. .. Wuffer, PLEASE! Talk to me!! What did I do wrong to deserve
this?!
Then he said “I need to talk to them in private, and then talk to you.”, showing me where to go. Walked over, and could only feel sorrow in my mind. ..I was too strong, or something. I must’ve said something wrong, or did something wrong.
10 minutes later, he comes walking up to me. The way he walked, I knew it was over between us, but I didn’t know why. Then he stared down at me, waving his hands as if he didn’t know what to say.
Eventually, he told me, simply, that it was rushed, and that it wasn’t my fault. Yet… I still cried my heart out. But, I’m only fooling myself of all of this. Apparently, Scooby’s advice wasn’t the advice I need, of going Bi just so I can be happy. He told me how I’ve been straight all my life, only to change for him. He said it didn’t feel real, but doesn’t blame me.
The pain still hurts though… :'(
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But what made a horrible thing turn into something that changed Wuffer’s mind about
me (that I’m not the ‘amazing person’ he thought I was); showing my true colors, is mentioning how I wanted a VRChat relationship. Aka, what I said in that paragraph.
Yet the paragraph never came to my mind, because it was too unstable from crying. He said how I was “just using him”, and only inlove with the avatar instead of the person behind it.
…This is not what I meant!! But again, I was too devastated over the news to think. I
felt, this has to be some sort of dream, and I just need to wake the fuck UP!! This can’t be happening! He LIED to me!! He told me he would never leave, no matter what!!
But it’s not really a matter of ‘lying’, just.. the truth: we rushed this, and he was even willing to try it again (and to take our time). But…. I can’t. I cannot be someone I’m
not. I’m straight, he’s gay. We’re incompatible.
Yes, I loved him. But I also felt something wrong about it. Especially after I saw his RL pic. I felt slightly uncomfortable since then, but tried to hide it as I didn’t want to upset him. He also, didn’t want to upset me, which is why he didn’t tell me all of this before.
As much as I really appreciate him being honest with me. I just wish he told me sooner.
But, did I truly love him, or was it just more desperation to feel loved? Not going to lie, it was half and half. The funny part is, he said he too was desperate (yet we just went too far). So now, he wants his space. I tried apologizing and telling him I’ll do anything to make this right, but I will respect that he needs time to himself. Just pray that when he’s ready to speak to me, we can still be friends.
And speaking of friends, it feels like most of them have now turned against me– mainly for the whole ‘turned Bi’ thing to be with him (after being straight for years). Wuffer wasn’t mad at me over that, said it wasn’t my fault. Yet they feel it was, saying I never truly loved him.
But what they don’t understand is I have friends who are similar; who were straight for years but became Bi or Gay to be with the one they loved. So why are they pissed off at me? I don’t know, and I don’t know what to think of at this time. Except, to give
them space.
I pray I don’t have to leave VRChat because of this. But, I’ve been speaking to a few
very, very close friends who thankfully don’t know what happened, and have my
back (even though I told them not to choose a side, only to have someone to talk to that understands my POV).
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One thing’s for sure though, I’m now officially done with relationships (for the rest of my life). Half of me wants to blame myself for the whole “wanting a VRChat relationship” thing. The other half says it’s not my fault, that none of this was my fault.
It’s Wuffer’s fault for not fully reading my long paragraph. As stated, I was ready for him to break up with me right then and there. Yet, he said “nothing will ever make me not love you”. Boy did that change, and I knew it would. I knew it wouldn’t last, but wow.. the fact it lasted for almost two weeks, that’s a record for me. It’s just… a shame it had to end like this. I really, did, love him!! *starts crying*
*wipes tears*… no more. Three times (this year), my heart has been broken. I’m done with this. I’m done. being emotionally hurt.. and I’m done, (unintentionally) emotionally hurting others. Enough, is enough. Even if someone finds me hot (is a girl and is of legal
age), I’m not doing it. I no longer feel a need to be loved. It’s pathetic, and weak!
*sighs deeply, still wiping his tears* And to make sure to let things simmer down with these friends (so we can all move on from this), I’m staying off Discord and VRChat for a few days (or maybe even a week) until this thing blows over.
If I’m pissing them off this much, it’s for the best that they don’t see my face.
.
Finally, as for that phone, last night I tried to cancel the order. The reason was half because of my breakup with Wuffer (as I no longer ‘need’ the phone and just live with what I got now), but it was also a financial issue that didn’t hit me ’till yesterday. Having deposited $100 into my account to pay for the phone, I also need more to pay for groceries this coming Sunday (especially if I have to order them online with how my father’s health is failing), and knowing I’m going to be paying an additional $40 delivery fee on top of the cost of groceries..
Sadly… I was too late to cancel it, and now it’s on the way here. Half of me feels like sticking it up in my closet or something.. to get it out of my life. But the other half tells me that I paid for this phone, so I should accept it. It’s not the its fault of what happened (even though one reason is because it has a thing called ‘FaceTime’). But as long as I don’t use the app (assuming it is one), it’ll be OK (I hope).
Plus, I’ll be able to talk to friends (once they stop being mad at me) when I’m at Burger King or whatever (as it’ll have Discord on it). So, that’s a bonus. And when it comes to sending images, I’ll be able to do it properly (since Google+ consumer support ends next month, which is what I’m currently using to send things to my computer).