I loved him. I cared for him. He told me “nothing will ever stop not making me love you”.
And what does he do…? He dumps me for rushing into this, and for ‘turning Bi’ for him.
So he lied to me (but he did apologize multiple times). Knew it wasn’t going to
last, though. And also, I feel more responsible for most of this, and feel this is something I will never be able to move on from (until I talk to him).
At the time I’m writing this, this seems very unlikely. When he broke the news that
night, was literally the only time he was willing to ‘work it out between us’; offering to try this all over again, just take it slow. He said he would go anywhere to be with me IRL. But I refused, because I just couldn’t do it. I wished he rephrased it better, saying “we can still be friends” without ever mentioning wanting to restart it.
But, if I really wanted to have this work out (even if we restarted this slower), then why did I tell him I wanted the relationship to remain in VRChat? When I knew I needed him, why did I say that? …Why? That is the reason why he stopped talking to me, but it’s not the sole reason why I can never move on from this… and even at that, it’s his own fault for not reading this part in my paragraph!
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The sole reason (from what I’m gathering) why I can never move on from this, is because I ‘turned bi’ (when I’m actually straight). I was essentially lying to him, over desperation of wanting to feel loved. However, the reason why Ren was mad at me (and still kind of
is), is for not telling Wuffer beforehand that I’m actually straight and have been all my life.
Though, I almost swore I did when I first met him, but my memory is so foggy of that conversation that I’m not going to use it to defend this action.
I can definitely see why he would be mad.. I’m mad at myself for not telling Wuffer. There’s no excuse to that. It’s called being truthful, and I failed to. I guess.. I thought I would be ‘OK’ trying to be bi, and tried my best to tolerate it… my. desperation to feel loved, knows no bounds.
FUCK!! I am absolutely ashamed at myself! I swear if I could rewind time and make this right, I would! But, I can’t. I feel I’m not allowed to smile or even laugh for what I did to Wuffer.
But, hopefully with enough time, maybe I’ll be ‘allowed’ to move on… knowing what I did wasn’t intentional.
Speaking to one of his former boyfriends (SneakyTheWolfDragon), and a friend of mine I know quite well from the Best Boi community era, he has told me some pretty disturbing things about Wuffer. But I have to take all of these as rumors (even though he has SW18 backing him).
The story he told, allegedly had Wuffer doing illegal things that I cannot mention here as I promised I would keep it a secret. Another thing he said was “if you have something or someone of value, he will take it instead of doing it himself”. Said that Wuffer lied to me about ‘losing the files’ to his avatar.. that he never had the files to begin with; someone else uploaded it to his account. Which means (and again this is a rumor)… when I approached the one who helped texture BenieTheDragon if they could help Wuffer (because I felt sorry for him), he possibly used the kindness of my friend in creating that skin for him.
In addition, that means he also (allegedly) used Azure (Kat) to do the eye tracking shader for him.
–
But, going back to the main story that he tried to convince it’s similar to mine (saying that Wuffer has been known to do this to others, even claiming he said to Sneaky that he “didn’t believe he was gay”), I felt it wasn’t anywhere close to that… for I didn’t tell him I was desperate for love. Even though what I did wasn’t intentional (as that’s what desperation does), I sadly broke Wuffer’s heart. Essentially, it was me that broke up with him (for not being honest and saying I’m actually straight). So now you see why I can never move on from this. I truly feel like shit, and would do anything (within reason) to make this right for him.. if he would just TALK to me! 🙁 I honestly don’t care if he had used my friends to get what he wanted from me, I just want this guilty conscience off my shoulders!!
I KNOW I fucked up.. let me make it right so I can move on! PLEASE! Is he fucking taking pleasure of seeing me hurting?! Is this his way of making me pay for my crime?! It must
be, since he refuses to talk to me.
Seriously, though… I’m only human. And if I can’t correct it by talking to him, I will prevent it from ever happening to anyone else, by learning some lessons in love;
1. Don’t be desperate, nomatter how much I want someone to fill the void.
1A. Stop being someone I’m not: I’m straight. I cannot change on a dime to be with someone of the same sex. It’s unnatural.
1B. If I manage to find someone after this, don’t rush to get into a relationship. Get to know the other to see if you’re interested in them (and if they’re interested in you). Just because someone is ‘into older guys’, isn’t enough.
2. Let them know you want a relationship to remain in the confines of VRChat.. for the time being, and make sure they understand. Don’t just assume they do.
3. According to Vale, the optimal age group for me is 30-50. He said if someone falls below this (but is 18+), and we really love eachother, then it’s OK.
As long as I abide by these simple rules (which I will do my damnest to follow), this will never happen again to anyone else. I refuse to let another soul be hurt by my actions.