Courage uttering those words is my will finally bending (willing to be Bi), hoping me and blueberry actually could be more than just friends. But, at the end, it just “didn’t work out”. And just like me and Lunar, I’m the one with a broken heart.
So that happened? ..Deja Vu happened. Today I asked him a question I should had been asking from the start (as in, before even the whole thing with Lunar happened); a question of age. He took offense to it, saying I would look at him differently. I told him I wouldn’t.
–
Later, I was on VRChat and told Scooby that I actually had an emotional attachment to blueberry. He actually managed to convince me it’s nothing to be ashamed
about, especially saying “this is your chance to be happy, take it”. So I opened up to blueberry and told him how I really felt about him, and put my headset back on feeling it would be similar to Lunar (of trying it again). But he said “i cant”.
Confused why all the sudden that I’m now willing to bend for him, that he’s doing this to me, I ask and then he asks me “how old are you benie”. …I froze right there, realizing I just messed up again. And that’s not all that happened, as about 30 seconds later, Aftershock DMs me and says “I will come after you if you do, because I’m protecting him”.
Threw down my headset and logged out of the game… I was so. fucking. DONE with VRChat after that!! Blueberry asked me “why did you leave vrchat?” I told him how I was disgusted at myself, what Aftershock sent me, and how I’m done.
I couldn’t help but cry after that. What the HELL, Aftershock?! Let blueberry make up his own decision!! You’re not his mother or father! … 10 minutes pass and blueberry pleads me not to quit the game. I told him “this is just a repeat of how this all got started”.
Told him about Lunar, and his response was “i feel soo bad”. This went on for awhile until Aftershock attempted to apologize and say “I was just defending blueberry”, telling me what happened between himself and Wildboy… also saying “blueberry is only 12 years old“.
WTFFFFFFUUUUUUUUU–!!! ..I did it AGAIN! GOD DAMNIT!! Thankfully Aftershock understood me, and I told him “I now see why it was wise to end it”. We talked for awhile and asked me if I’m willing to remain friends with them, and I said Yes. But blueberry never came back on VRChat, and I could feel my mind becoming more and more mentally unstable, wanting to talk it over with anyone in hopes they’ll make me feel better, but also wanting a guarantee they won’t be creeped out.
While that’s going on, Scooby is trying (again) to become a boyfriend to
BlueDrago, claiming they talk a lot and stuff. But something happened when I got back ingame, where he’s upset about something and being told to “not worry about it”. I assumed he’s literally doing the same thing I did with Lunar (trying again), but that isn’t the case. Something about Scooby thinks he annoyed Blue, where he’s being told to give Blue some time to cool down.
–
Going back to me and Aftershock, I told him about Phox and what he said to me (about how affection isn’t gay). Aftershock said “it’s ok you were misunderstood, it’s not your fault”.
Oh, that’s just great. So I was right, that it was gay. …Bleh. So many conflicting words going through my mind.
I seriously need a break from VRChat; play my other VR games.. just do something to get my mind off of this. Just until Sparky gets back to the states, from helping family members in Mexico with a farm. There I can talk to him about this, as he’s helped me before.
There’s also something else… Aftershock mentioned of a community I can join, that helps with these kind of things. He said it will help me no longer feel sadness and depression.
I’m nearly tempted to join it, though I don’t know what level of hell I’m going to have to go through to achieve a feeling of not letting heartbreak bug me anymore.
…Plus, will they be able to break through my stubbornness, if they tell me the way to end my suffering is to change my life (like Rivers said)? Would I be willing to accept their advice, when I couldn’t accept Rivers’?
I doubt it. That’s why I can’t do it. So, I have to go through the process of mentally healing all over again, on my own. And this time, I have less friends than I had before (since I lost Phox due to his own hatred of Creepery). He was the only one who helped me heal
enough, because of his soothing voice.
Personally, the only real way I’ll be able to heal is to hang out with blueberry and Aftershock (as friends). Though why the two couldn’t come on VRChat at my time of
need, is beyond me. It’s like they don’t really care as much as I thought. Plus last night, I had accidentally upsetted blue when it finally hit him how wrong this was. He calls himself stupid, and won’t tell me why.. other than that I’ll “never understand” and “noone will”.
I feared he would take his life, and then Aftershock would be after my ass. Thankfully he isn’t going to do that, saying that as long as he has him, he’ll never think that. That’s
good, you keep thinking that. Because the last thing I want on my mind is a pissed off Aftershock.
At the other end of the spectrum, Vale and Kovo think they can help me feel better by asking what’s going on in my mind. If they knew, they would disown me. Was trying to talk to Scooby all by himself (as I cautiously feel I might be able to fully trust him), but the two keep getting in the way.