I’m still trying to mentally heal after what happened with Lunar, trying to talk to certain people I feel I can trust with it. A day ago I talked to Freestar for a good two hours about the topic at hand, and about we’re starting to get worried about Creepery not responding to our DMs. Personally, it’s been about two weeks since he last responded to me (about losing another potential girlfriend).
So today I wanted to speak to Sir Rivers (who had indirectly convinced me to go back on VR that day) to get advice on how to handle friends becoming couples. But, I wanted to make sure I could trust him like the others, and told him everything. And it didn’t look good for me a few times, with him not knowing what to do or say. But, he (conditionally) understood me enough to keep listening, yet warning me of what I already know (about being careful who I tell this to).
The rest of the conversation, I decided to switch to voice instead of typing (as I could see he can’t type that well). And after telling him about Lunar’s polyrelationship, he told
me “it’s just a phase”. That’s definitely not anything that I’ve thought of before. Even after I told him that I feel that she’s not doing it for herself, but for them.. he still feels to “not worry”.
This started to make me think that I was glad (again), to get out of that relationship. Not the fact that she’s in a poly, but.. when she eventually breaks it (according to Rivers) and if she decides to come back to me, it actually scared me a bit.. if she wanted to get more serious, to where it reminded me of that friend I mentioned earlier that got out of his relationship. The way she acted, I feel almost convinced I would be in deep shit.
Nope nope nope, don’t want any part of that mess.
I’m now glad I didn’t tell Kovo or Vale about it. It would had guaranteed made them sick. Because it makes me sick.
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Another thing he said (that is making me consider uninstalling VRChat), is he said that the game isn’t the best place to look for a girlfriend. But not only that, after telling him my RL situation, he made me realize that I will indeed die alone (given my current lack of mobility).
Which, is what four hours of talking went to; trying to inspire me to change my life. Oh great, another one of these guys. He was reminding me of angry back in the day, who said he would stay even with my flaws… and you know how that ended. :/
I didn’t want Rivers to suffer the same fate, so I tried to push him away (using the ole’ “I’m a lost cause” phrase). But his will is quite strong, saying he’ll stay with me as long as it takes, until I finally realize I have potential waiting to be unlocked.
Welp… he’s in for a very, very long ride. But unlike angry, I’m not going to go to him every day, bitching about things I cannot control. He’s going to eventually get bored and let it
go, realizing I cannot be helped.
But he’s also unlike angry, who suggested that I see professional help… not from an aspiring veterinarian (which Rivers claims he’ll do his damnest to achieve when he goes to college in four years from now). But unless the professional help can give me some ‘feel good about yourself’ pills that would counter my depression, I dearly doubt they could help me.
Eventually the conversation got to a point where Rivers finally realized he was wasting his words on me. I’m too fucking stubborn, dude. But he didn’t leave me as a friend. At
least, not now. As for the future, I actually cannot say if he’ll eventually leave.
Anyway, as I said before.. I was unsure if I should even get on VRChat. Not that I feel like an embarrassment to others, but to myself. Also, I wish my friends would stop asking “why are you not on VR?”.. they need to mind their own damn business and realize I have my reasons that I might not want to discuss.
I know they are just worried about me, but they can’t do shit. Just, bug off. Please. I don’t want to hurt your feelings.
But I digress. Because.. on top of all of this, the person that I said he felt my pain, has gotten over it (as expected). And the way he did was to realize that he has friends (which is what I’m trying to do). But the twist is, he has the support of everyone (including Kovo and Vale). He also values hanging out and talking above anything else. Aka, he’s got into the minigames.
So it made me re-realize how much of a loner I was back when the Best Boi community existed; standing in the shadows, watching everyone having fun chatting about random things in their lives (while I debated, just like I am now, if I should even be in this
game).. as I have nothing exciting to talk about.
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But let’s get back to this whole change thing that Rivers is trying to get me to do. I personally feel it’s too late for change. I feel my time is coming, and soon (with the way I take care of my body). How I’m too lazy to do basic needs. The only need I don’t mind doing, is eat. Which is why I’m morbidly obese (and probably have Type 2 Diabetes by now).
I’m not asking for people to feel sorry for me, only for people that think they can convince me to change.. to fuck. off.
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Sure, I could get my driver’s license. I could finally move out of my parents house. I could try to get a job. But these are all ‘easy’ to do. Hell, at a time I could actually feel my brain trying to fight back my own stubbornness, attempting to show me that not all change has to be scary. It also showed me just how fortunate I really am of what I’ve learned so far. Remember when I said how Rivers can’t type that well? I can (and it shows). Remember when the friend who helped me with BenieTheDragon, said he couldn’t do animations in Unity? I can.
I even finally conquered my fears of building a computer (and it booted the first time)!!
Rivers is right, that with enough will, I could achieve whatever I think of (within reason of course).
…But if you were to tell me to change my physical health (eating healthier, etc), you might as well put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. Though before you do, put a blindfold on me so I don’t see it coming.
.
Even though I still didn’t get the answer I was seeking from Rivers (of how to handle friends becoming couples), I feel I can move on knowing that Lunar is finally out of my life. Not only that, but with the whole ‘changing my life around’ thing, I have literally no business even thinking about love (as I wouldn’t be able to support them if it went any further than just being very close friends who like being affectionate to eachother).
Plus, the whole thing with Lunar was doomed to fail from the start.
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Unfortunately, I still don’t feel happy enough to get back in VR. Being overwhelmed with how I could change, and only remembering why it’s pretty much impossible, just puts me in a depression where all I want to do is avoid friends (which only makes them really worry about me). Aka, why I don’t know if I want to play VRChat anymore (and switch to Rec Room instead).
Why I hope I can just stay in Desktop until my thoughts finally stop annoying me. So please, for your own safety, don’t ask me why I’m not in VR. Just.. don’t. Let me get over this on my own. Thank you.
But it’s only because this bad thought has been replaced with another.. something that isn’t going to go away anytime soon (and will bug me until God says it’s time); changing my life around.
As what’s been going on this week (how I don’t use VR unless I feel happy), I don’t see myself ever using it.. until maybe when I eventually get my system upgrade.
But, maybe I’ll get over it sooner (if and ONLY if Rivers doesn’t bug me about it).
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EDIT: Talking to Sparky, unlike Rivers, he actually let me fully explain, and didn’t try to push me to be someone I’m not. All he said is to not consider suicide. And by not saying anything to me, it actually cheered me up by realizing that I’ve lived this long.. so why am I letting it bother me now?
And as for my father one day not able to drive anymore, hopefully my parents can help me find a driver’s ed course that would help me get my license (and get past a fear that has lasted for over a decade).