Can’t really use the term ‘one of those days’, so I’ll just say.. I wish I just stayed in Unity. Not only did I listen to depression for an hour and 1/2, I also shot myself in the
foot (figuratively) last night, and it really hurt.
Started out of joining at 3 in the morning. Didn’t think anyone would be on but I saw Novice and Baddee both joinable. First I joined Novice, hoping I’m ‘not too late’ for him wanting to cuddle (and then some). The reason why I joined him first was his status
of ‘wiping friends list’, and I wanted to make sure I wasn’t included in that.
I also thought of titling the blog post to ‘And I thought I had it bad..’
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Anyway, I found him in Desktop mode. He starts off by telling me how he hasn’t been on for a month. He recently moved the furniture around in his room and he hasn’t had time to set up his VR. But as it went on he told me that he really has no interest in doing
that, and saying he’s “ghosting someone”. The reason being is almost constantly into ERP and being disrespectful to him, yet he doesn’t want to block the person. I can’t fully remember (and this is bad as I pray I don’t get my words misinterpreted as something not so serious), but what I remember is him saying how he “wishes to disappear”. I also do remember he said “this has nothing to do with suicide”. What I think him saying about disappearing, is to disappear from social media (and VRChat).
He also mentioned about how life doesn’t want him to be happy, possibly referencing what happened to our relationship.
He feels no remorse for friends to feel it’s their fault of him suddenly leaving. He just seemed “done with life”. It definitely hints at suicide yeah, but.. I don’t feel that’s what he meant. Because I also said to him “I can’t stop you”.
Finally he told me he “definitely will be on, broken avatar or not”. Hopefully he’ll keep his word and hopefully I’ll be able to hopefully undo any “..I dunno” in my head about what happened.
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He got off around 4:35am, which is later than he usually gets on. I then tried to
join Baddee, mainly.. for some reason in my head to try and have him see this entire thing from my perspective.
When I joined the world he was in, apparently it was “the afterparty of a Bear Meet” one person told me. Woops. Didn’t mean to barge in. But they didn’t seem to mind. Infact they wanted me to hang with them. However I had different ideas and found Baddee in the crowd.
I brought him to my private world as I wanted to talk to him, and then.. I froze. Not as
in VRChat crashing, but my brain not knowing what to say. Eventually did the words out that I wanted to, and he still held onto his beliefs that what I’m doing is ‘unhealthy’. And he was not making it any better for me. Sure I needed it but not this brutal.
Referring to JeroWorks here with my statement below…
“…but Jero just says “it’s OK. It’s comforting”. Yet I feel he might be lying to me”, and he says “he.. most likely is. To make you feel better”. FUCK that hurt, to have my fears becoming reality. This is why I took a long time to get up the will to post this. And I just feel I was ‘being punished’ by Baddee’s words. He’s glad I’m admitting it’s a problem, saying it’s “the first step to overcoming an addiction”. But as always my stubborn brain wouldn’t let it go.
This lasted until 6:02am (exactly). I knew it was very early before, but I just kept hoping if I say a certain phrase that Baddee will finally realize. Had enough and told him I needed to go to bed.
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The next day: Monday evening, I messaged Jero saying I “wanted to speak to him”. I wanted to be absolutely sure if this is truly a problem I need to fix, straight from the one I’m addicted to. Surprisingly, he picked today to do the talk (and within the
next 5 minutes). Knowing I forgot to charge everything as my mind’s been messed up by Baddee’s remarks, I went on VR with just my controllers.
With Jero now in my private world, I tried explaining what I told Baddee. He thought really hard on it and felt that no, he wouldn’t call what I have an ‘addiction’. Said all I really want is comfort, someone that will hug me and said “there’s nothing wrong with that”. I said “are you being perfectly honest with me, and not just saying it to keep me quiet?” He hugged me and said “does this look like I’m lying to you?”
I trusted him. I felt his much more supportive response. Told me not to be ashamed in enjoying what I like.
And of what I said how he “doesn’t need a doll of me to get by”, he said “if I knew how to do what you did in Unity, I’d do it too”. Plus he wishes he had a RL plushie of me.
What can I say except.. that’s so sweet of him. 😊
I then told him how I felt like a ‘stalker’ over what Chris (his former BF) said (which lead to this addiction), and he told me “noooo no! You’re not a stalker. The guy was a narcissist and you’re not that.”
I really have nothing else to say, except THANK YOU, Jero! Thank you for telling me you’re not ashamed of what I’m doing, and sharing how I feel about it. But most importantly, thank you for keeping your word to “always be there”. Even though you’re not always there, you try your damnest to be there.
Honestly it felt what happened (now three weeks ago), never did.
Oh, and he’s glad I didn’t go on with the video apology.