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Failed Relationship Count: 7
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Go from what I thought he was done feeling depressed and would focus on being
happy that I’m there to give him a reason to live, and all he did was go back to his old
life– “feeling content” on just booping and hugging people.
Novice is like me in ways. Both of us are stubborn. However our stubbornness is different. Mine, not wanting to change my life even though I know it would benefit me, and Novice? …not feeling he deserves to be happy. His stubbornness is weird though, mine’s just.. a refusal to give effort. His just makes no sense. And he knows this. Doesn’t even know why something’s telling him there’s no point in being happy.
–
In ways I’m actually kind of glad it’s over, because, and let’s be truthful here, it felt.. almost awkward at times. Nearly everyone that hangs around Kovo (or myself), knows Illunovice. They know how friendly he is, and some even questioned if I was actually legit by saying he’s my BF (which made me question if they even care about me just wanting to be
happy).
Why I even wanted a relationship to happen is… I dunno. It’s not something I can explain. I guess, just swept over with emotion and feeling…… desperate. It was desperation, wasn’t it? Yeah, I think so. I literally said to Wufy sometime after my breakup with Novice, that “I wasn’t picky” in anyone that would accept who I am. That is pure desperation.
Was Novice also desperate? ..I don’t think so. He simply got swept over by emotion. Hell we both did, that’s why it seems to hurt (at least me) more than it should be. We didn’t really have a lot in common, but again I felt “not picky”– desperate. Almost as if cupid forgot what month it is (assuming it’s February) and shot both of us with arrows.
But the arrow for Novice, his negative side counteracted the love spell. I tried to help his counteract last week, but… I failed. Yet it’s not my fault, nor is it his fault this relationship just didn’t work out. I do not want him to blame himself for who he is.
His stubbornness, unlike mine, isn’t something he can control. He’s.. too far gone to be persuaded into thinking differently (even though I offered to give him a reason to be happy). Yet, did I truly fail? I second guess this. You can’t fail something you never really tried. Yes I did manage to convince him that he can be happy, yet it was so brief (one
day) that it shouldn’t had even counted as a ‘fail’.
Did he fail me? I definitely felt that yes, but not anymore. There was no fail, when I was only able to convince him for one day. If it was a week and this happened, it still wouldn’t even be a fail then. It was him trying, but his mind can’t do it. His stubborn mind, will not allow him to be truly happy. Not even his fault. It happened from years of.. whatever bad happened in his life to have caused this, that he has no idea what it could be.
So, what am I going to do now? *shrug* Stay out of VRChat for the foreseeable future. Not because I’m upset, but for my own safety and the safety of my friends.
What do I mean by ‘safety’? …From my heart wanting more than just friendship. Snuggling is what triggers my heart into wanting more, and every. damn. TIME the snuggle is what gets me into this mess! ..Almost feel like leaving the furry fandom, as I seem unable to control my emotions anymore. The problem is, how can I leave something that for many years I’ve been exposed to (even back in the days of Facepunch Studios and the infamous ‘Dragon Megathread’)? I was exposed to the fandom even back then. Angry’s also a furry.
Why I say staying out of VRChat is the best thing I can do, until I learn to control my emotions again (and stop craving a relationship). I have to break myself from
this.. whatever it was that caused it in the first place. It’s like, my inner demon is love. Where most people’s demons are evil. When the original Best Boi community ended, the chains of that demon broke free. I didn’t even know this demon existed, I just want it gone. In ways I wish I was like Novice, not feeling I need to be loved. But I’m sure Novice would not wish his life on anyone.
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Possible cause of ‘fluke’
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Moving away from this depressing Sunday, is a bit of good news for once. So remember about almost a week ago when I mentioned about a fuse blowing? It happened again on the same day (around 11:47pm). Why is this good news? This part isn’t (obviously). I’m getting to it.
Was wanting to try out the new Prison map on Phasmophobia. Get into the world, 5 seconds later.. power goes out the same way as before (fuse being tripped). Kovo’s wondering if I’m OK as I go to reset the fuse. Put my hand on it, this time it’s not hot (at all). No.. no I’m not OK. I’m scared to move, I’m scared to think.
WTF WHY?! AGAIN…?! Ok, this is no fluke! But WHY?! WHY NOW?! This shouldn’t be happening!! All of this going through my head at once as I told Kovo.
He asks me to take pictures of the fuse box, which I do. Says it’s possible the fuses might be going bad… not HELPING when I’m a fucking nervous wreck, Kovo!! The only concern I have is my father blaming my computer for this and taking it away. He tries convincing me that what I have is worse than losing a computer (especially with how old this house is). “I dunno if they even replaced the fuses!” of a question he asked me.
Back in my room, he asks me “do you have a space heater?” I do actually, the one infront of my bed. Taking pictures, he believes my heater’s the culprit (not my computer). So I unplug it and leave it unplugged for the next day. Was getting extremely nervous as time went on. But as it approached the last time it happened, I wanted so bad for it to be the heater.
The time passed, no fuses got tripped! And to this day I haven’t had a single issue (even with the heater plugged in but off when I use my computer). So it’s likely the heater. Now I have the heater plugged to the other outlet, and that too showed promising results.
So yeah, this is the good news I mentioned.
I still do not get why it happened with those two times. The only thing I did differently was crank up the heat on my heater. Maybe this is a sign my heater is dying? I have noticed it’s not producing as much heat as it has before when I’m sleeping.
Bad thing is they don’t make space heaters like they used to– being made out of mainly cheap plastic.