I feel so fucking stressed right now, that I wish suicide wasn’t (physically) painful. I don’t care of the mental side, only that my parents would know they.. caused this (yet I also caused it at the same time).
*tries to relax with music* At least this Sunday’s the Indy 500! Always something to look forward to, to make myself proud to be a Hoosier.
–
So, there are multiple things going through my mind, from if Nigh truly does love me, to my father going under the knife next week to remove that troubled kidney. I also (in my own way), had to convince Wufy not to leave Lone (using my own pain of dealing with Wuffer as a reference).
Also, I think I finally know why Wuffer won’t tell me the truth– he doesn’t have to, as I already know it (and where I fucked up). It was Lone that indirectly woke me up to this. And on top of all of THIS shit, the issue with my VR headset disconnecting (in VRChat) is still happening, and I’m (again) considering on reinstalling Windows. Jusper feels I should.
Right.. time to get started. First, the most pressing matter; my parents.
As said, my father’s going under the knife this coming Tuesday (the 28th). He’ll be in the hospital for three days (before and after surgery), and then bedridden for five days after that. Oof.
So, mother wants me to get Uber and get them up to the hospital. But it isn’t going to end there, as she also wants me to get them to take her up there and back home every
day (those three days). I will do what I can for her, but I cannot guarantee this will
work (as I only used Uber once in my life, and that was a mistake). Need to use it more often (which I likely will if this surgery makes father unable to drive for the rest of his
life) to get used to it.
But in the back of my mind, I can almost hear my parents nagging at me with “this is all your fault! Why couldn’t you had gotten your license when you had the chance?!” This has been causing most of my stress, especially when WildBoy (the guy that lives near me) said he got his permit and “it really isn’t that hard”. Good for you. 😛 It wasn’t for me when I was in my 30’s. Back then, I had something that encouraged me to try. Feeling forced doesn’t encourage me. *sighs deeply* I want it to come naturally, yet I just don’t see it right now (or in the future). But, I can’t predict the future. Maybe I might get lucky and get my permit (and this time KEEP the damn thing).. who knows.
–
And speaking of driving, I learned (during drama between Wufy and Lone), that Wufy is like me even more. Except, he never once got a permit (and considered me lucky that I even had one). He also told me a story of his mother having a permit, saying she used to drive and then stopped; that either she got into an accident, or she (like me) has been scarred for life of almost having one.
So, Wufy’s literally in the same boat as me. Except, he also isn’t. For he has some condition where his mindset changes every day (and he doesn’t know why). Possibly an advanced case of Bipolar Disorder; happy one day, sad and depressed the other. I feel I too should be diagnosed with this, but his case isn’t like mine. He doesn’t know what to do with his
life, yet I do (I just ‘choose’ not to).
He loves Lone, but there are certain days, his brain goes neutral and feels.. nothing for anyone — wanting to avoid everyone — and not knowing how to express himself as there’s nothing to express. He doesn’t mean to do this.. it just happens (according to him). But deep down inside (when no-one but myself and Lone was there), he finally opened up and said “I want an IRL relationship. I don’t want to love an avatar anymore!!”, which reminded me of Wuffer. It’s like all of his emotions came rushing out at once, and this is good. But it’s not good of the way he said it, as he wants to rush it.
…This is where it hit me with it came to Wuffer, when I told him about my father… I was trying to rush it, but it was an accident. I didn’t know at the time I was rushing it, for him to take care of me. I was only being honest, and I guess it turned him off and he used
my “go find someone else” as a playing card to get out of the relationship.
I still want him to tell me, though.
–
Also, Wufy said “I want my life to change.” He said it isn’t just relationships he does
this, but also IRL (and wants to change it). Okay, if I was in the same situation as Wufy, I would. Because I would know, I would have someone that was willing to love me despite all of my faults and failures, who is willing to do anything s/he could (just so we can be happy (IRL)).
I was willing to do that for Wuffer, which makes me question (again).. if he truly did love me. I looked at Lone and said to him “god damn I wish you were Wuffer. Because if you were, I would still have him.” Yet the only reason Lone’s like this, is because he doesn’t want to be hurt like he was in the past. He’s willing to change and do anything for Wufy.
Wuffer… clearly wasn’t (though he claimed he would). He wouldn’t communicate with me enough, and I just wanted Wufy not to make the same mistake.
And I feel my words finally got to him, because he saw a lot of himself in me. He even thanked me, and I stood there quite happy (yet also a bit jealous) for them, and gave both of them a big hug. I hope this starts a new chapter in their relationship, with Wufy no longer being quiet (and actually being communicative with Lone).
Today, Lone sent me a DM thanking me for my words (and being there). And I told him that I would do it again if given the chance, because Wufy and myself are alike (and so, he can relate to me).
—
Now that that’s over, I need to deal with my own relationship with Nighwolf, and why I feel he too is ‘not communicating enough’. Though I completely understand that he’s super busy with his life and helping people with their models, I would like to see more communication from him. Started really good, but then it began dying off to where he only sometimes joins just to see me (and yesterday I actually had to join the world he was
in).
I want him to tell me what’s on his mind, but he won’t. And half of me wants to feel, it’s not the fact he doesn’t love me.. he’s just too busy to show it. But the other half feels “is he truly happy with me, or only doing it just to make me happy?”
Look, even if he decides to say “this isn’t going to work sorry”, I still want him to be around as a ‘cuddle buddy’ (to help me with my stress). And he even mentioned this once while I was watching him play a game, about “everybody needs a cuddle buddy”.
Another factor in play, is he once told me how he has a career and stuff, and acted like he didn’t really ‘need’ me anymore (which is kind of cold to say). ..Eventually I’m going to have to go up to him, stare him in the eyes and say “do you love me, more than a
friend?”
EDIT: And it’s over. I asked him in Discord, and his reasoning is he “doesn’t date guys”. He thinks I’m mad, but I’m not. A bit upset, yes, but I’ll get over it. He said I’m really sweet and just wants to stay as friends, and I told him I’m quite OK with that.
—
Switching gears again, goes of talking to Jusper (after my headset disconnects a 3rd time). Sneaky was there (but semi-AFK and also sleepy), and I mainly wanted to ask Sneaky if things have been going better with him and Wuffer. Jusper answered for him, saying that it’s been the opposite. Aww. Poor guy. Wuffer doesn’t deserve a lover, he deserves a baseball bat to the head to think of his actions, and the people he’s hurting.
Told Jusper about how Wuffer and I (briefly) got back together, and all he said
was “Wuffer sounds like scum.” and reminding me why he doesn’t do online relationships. Said that he is very right, and I’ve been trying to do what he does. But with a slight
broken heart that yearns to be filled, it’s hard (and he understands this). Hell, I want him to teach me his ways of how he manages to have virtual sex with so many (and have no desire to want a relationship).
…Does he find them, or do they find him? How do they know there would be nothing more than a one night stand? I need to know all of this. I feel this should be my answer; not staying committed to anyone (no matter how much it hurts), and them being OK with it.
—-
Final gear switch, it’s now been a week since I upgraded my hardware.. which means, I should focus on getting mother up and running. But the issues I’m having with
VRChat (and my agreement of me checking her balance using my computer), this will likely be delayed (mainly until I know father doesn’t have to go through hell anymore).
As I’m talking to Jusper, the spazzing thing with my controllers happens again. He comments “I’ve never seen Windows Mixed Reality do that”. Told him I’ve been having this issue since I upgraded my hardware, and he says “you should reinstall Windows.” He also questions if I upgraded from 7, and I said “Yes, but many years ago.” Yet he didn’t hear this and I had to say “Jusper, I upgraded from 7, years ago. Way, way way way before I got VR!” Finally he understood and said “yeah, if I were you, I would reinstall Windows. Even when 10 allowed you to use your computer normally, I would still do it.”
Then he asked me “did you upgrade your motherboard?” answered “yeah, and I had to buy a new key.” He said “mmhmm, that’ll do it. Hardware changes are known to cause issues.”
I thanked him and said “yeah, I’m definitely considering on reinstalling”, adding on that I know I can burn the ISO of Windows 10 on a USB thumb drive. He said “you should have no problem then” and wished me luck in a hopeful fix.
.
And so, that’s about it; everything going through my mind in a nutshell.
..Oh wait, I forgot something else. Heol (long-term fans from ‘beniesbuilds.com’ probably remember, he’s one of my friends from WoW), plays VRChat!!
I was with blueberry last night, and this guy comes up to me and asks “are you Benie?” I look up at his nameplate and my jaw drops, and I’m all “wait.. HEOL?! Holy FUCK!! I haven’t seen you in AGES!” So yeah! That is awesome.