Other titles that would had fit for this topic, are;
-“Looking for love, in all the wrong places!”
-A love that should had never happened
-“This girl is (over) half his age!”
-A mistaken love
When you see nearly all of your friends getting a boyfriend or a girlfriend, you just wonder… “when is it going to be my turn?!” Driven by songs such as “Sooner or Later” and “I’m a Believer“, yet also remembering songs as “Love Hurts” and “Love Stinks“.
But one song that will resonate well with this topic, is “Don’t Stand So Close To Me“.
Yeah, call me a hopeless romantic. And no, this has absolutely nothing to do with the fact it’s February, and it’s the month for love.
For the rest of this post, I’ll be typing in a hushed, but saddened (at myself) tone. For this would best explain my feelings to you all. I just hope, when this post is all said and done, you folks would understand my side of the story. Though, I’m pretty sure a lot of you will leave, and that’s your prerogative.
So, let’s begin…
Love did eventually come my way. It was someone in VRChat (named ‘LunarMoon’, who was depressed about something she did. She’s a good friend. So, you would expect me to go over and try to make everything OK again, right? Of course you would! But back then, it was only a friendly conversation.
However, for some reason… I saw Lunar, more, than just a friend. Her personality. Her voice. It was beautiful. Have I finally found ‘the one’; the one that would tolerate my faults, and love me for who I really am? Or, is this only going to be a one-time thing, and then I find out later that she has a boyfriend (just like the other two I really liked)?
But, I didn’t want to tell her. I wanted to find this out on my own, that way I could let myself down, knowing I tried. Granted, there was still that one time (last year, with another woman) where I openly expressed my love for them, only to hear “I have a boyfriend”.
Last night in a world, I made my move. But in a way that she wouldn’t really expect what’s going on. And, Lunar was OK with it. It’s like she knew, I had a crush on her. And she had a crush on me. And the rest of that night, I just couldn’t explain in mere words. Except, it was absolutely magical. It was like everything was falling into place. We were hugging, nuzzling, and she even kissed me on the nose before I had to go to bed. I’ve never been happier in my life, than what was going on there. Have I finally felt what true love feels like? Because it was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. It’s the feeling, where you just want.. more of it. Like, you can’t leave her, that you have to be with her, and keep her safe. And this is something that had lasted for three days…, until it was finally time to end it.
*deeply sighs*
Disclaimer: This, is where things started going south. Though it wasn’t of what I (or she) said, it was something about our love that felt.. very wrong, to where I should had never even thought.. of it.
So, buckle up, and do your best not to pull out your phone and call the police.
—–
As much as I loved her (and wanted to make her my RP girlfriend), something felt very, very wrong about it; something that I knew in the back of my head, this was a mistake. For I remember Kovo telling me… she’s under-aged. She’s, 13. So, there we go. All the proof for you to call the police and report a pedophile, right? Except, it never (in my
opinion) warranted that. And I wasn’t about to let it go any further than what was happening now.
–
It was the second day that I asked him, who verified the claim. He was actually shocked I didn’t tell Lunar what I.. felt about her, and I told him that I didn’t have the guts. But I finally did.. telling her just how wrong this is, and fearing she was going to call me a
creep (or worse). …Yet, she didn’t see it like that. Plus she claimed she never told Kovo her age; that she’s actually 16 (which in some states, is the legal age). And.. well.. that convinced me it’s OK (in my mind) to keep hanging out with her like this.
3rd day, I told Kovo what she said to me. I expected him to understand, but that wasn’t the case. And this made me feel he refused to understand that for the first time in my life, I was happy. Because he told me “this is wrong, you’re taking it too far”, and “you need to be a better person.” It wasn’t until later in the day when talking to him in a DM ..with him getting sick as a dog over telling him just how happy I was, that he was absolutely right. It did go too far. Literally feeling a romantic relationship.. with a minor.
…..God, what have I done?! I got to end this!! And end it, I did. But as I was fearing that I broke her heart for saying what was on my mind… she understood completely.
–
I then found out why she went with this for the past three days– it was only because that I wouldn’t feel lonely. Yes I feel ashamed at myself, knowing I let desperation over wanting someone to care for me more than just a friend, take over my common sense. Still, it was also absolutely sweet of her to care about me like that.
In addition, when telling her how wrong this is, she said how it was “only wrong in your eyes”, but apparently not in hers. Which got me thinking.. was she as desperate for love as I was? And this had been eating at me for the remainder of the night.
Eventually my brain had enough stress and I absolutely had to ask her “why”. As in,
why did she not see this being a problem? And she answered with a kind heart; “i guess that i want everyone to feel loved and i can’t stand seeing someone upset”… if only you were of legal age, we would had made this work. At least, in my eyes. Sure, my friends would still feel sick about it (an 18 year old hanging out with a 43 year old), but at least it would be legal.
—
Skipping to the present (a few days had passed since we ‘broke up’). Lunar told me she found someone else, and I’m so happy for her. Yet at the same time, seeing her happy only brings back the pain in me (knowing I’m a ‘hopeless loser’).. which puts me in that deep depression (that caused all of this mess in the first place), where I so desperately want to talk to a friend who won’t freak the fuck out over the whole shit that happened; someone that would completely understand me, and help me with the healing process.
I’ll never, find, someone more my age that would care like she did for me. That is what’s so painful. And half of me, feels– shit, this is going to sound weird again, but I have to say it (or else I’d be lying to myself). Half of me feels I should had never told Kovo, and kept this a secret. Because again.. I. didn’t. see, an issue. And that’s probably the desperation talking. Yet I know my limits of what is right from wrong. Which is why I refuse to ever classify myself as… one of them. Because there was no sex involved, and that was something I was never planning to think of; I wanted to keep this at the same level, until she felt comfortable. And even then, we would had weighed the risks of this ‘forbidden love’. Plus, this was going to stay in the confines of VRChat. This was literally nothing, but roleplaying!
Though I feel Kovo would’ve eventually found out (or one of his closest friends telling him), and it possibly would had been even worse than what actually happened. Oof..
–
*sigh*It was my guilty conscience, that told him. I had to know if he was telling the truth, because she wasn’t acting 13. That is what was confusing me. And since then, I sort of feel that he “owes me” to fix this broken heart, to find me someone more my age. Again.. ‘sort of’. Because it’s my fault for causing that mess, so why should he help me (when I’m not willing to help myself by talking to a psychiatrist)?
But, I’ll get over this with time. Perhaps in a month or two. And perhaps, I need a break from VRChat (until I can get my thoughts under control). With Valentine’s Day approaching, I feel it’s only going to get worse.
————
So yeah, that’s the end of my story of a love that should had never been.. at least, of her age. I assume you saw the waffling back and forth with how I ‘suddenly’ felt I had to end it. But in reality, I did it only for Kovo (because I didn’t want to lose him as a friend). I never intended to make him sick to his stomach. Personally I think he took it too literal, and again.. I feel he never saw just how much I was hurting.
But folks, just to make this clear (if I didn’t say it enough), I am NO, repeat.. NO pedophile. I can’t stand them. They are sick fucks, who deserve nothing more but to burn in hell for what they’ve done to innocent children. Because remember what I said, this was going to remain in one level. It was never going to get serious. But apparently, it’s
enough (in my friends eyes) to call me a pedo. ..*sigh*
But, it’s over, and it’s never going to happen again. In their eyes, I made a dire
mistake. And it’s now corrected. I only hope that some of you, saw this from my perspective. I mean yes, ‘desperation’ is not the best word to use for this (as it can easily go both ways), but I don’t know of any other word that would show my true feeling.
And for the ones that I made sick to their stomachs, I. deeply. apologize to you folks. I hope all of you will try to forgive me, and we all can move on from this by getting back to talking about tech stuff (or what other things are going through my mind that isn’t related to this).
.
Whatever happens, I assure you all… this shit will never happen again. You have my solemn promise.
–
A week has passed since that shit happened, decided to check up on her in Discord (as that’s what best friends do). Told me she’s good. Now, I’ve noted her ‘dreaming about # cuties’ in her Discord name before, and just assumed these are all that she has a tiny crush on (but couldn’t decide on just one). That was until she said “im in a polyrelationship”.
A quick Google search revealed.. she literally just called herself a ‘slut’. So, all of that time, I thought– *barf* now I’M the one that feels sick to their stomach!! I was inlove with a slut!? ..Ugh. NO!! You wanna fucking know what’s wrong?! THIS is!
Though it definitely explains the truth of why she ‘cared’ for me, I’m not going to see her any less than a friend. Though I don’t appreciate how she never asked me how I’m doing. Mmm.