Since a lot of you are saying how the drama of the Best Boi server doesn’t really have to do with gaming, I will start putting it here in the General blog.
However, what I have to share, is half drama, and half.. complete awkwardness (with some depression afterwards to start making this blog post).
Without the drama on the server filling my head, it started to make me think of something that my brain keeps bashing it down; feeling loved by someone special, for more than just a friend (in VRChat). Instead of feeling jealous of people able to make cool worlds (and/or avatars), I felt jealous of all the people that have found their soulmate in this game. Not even WoW (or any other online game) have I felt this. Granted, no other online game is like VRChat.
Yesterday, it felt that nearly changed. Exploring a friend’s world, is this girl named ‘Jeda’. Even though she was hanging out with my friends, she was hanging out with me more (as if she was trying to get to know me personally). Her voice.. is so beautiful. It was almost like, that special someone came to me (and I never had to look). Yet I tried my best to never say “you’re beautiful, and.. I love you”. Because, I just met this person for A DAY. Let’s um.. not go that quick (as a sign of desperation).
And today, something changed while I was off the server (and I ‘volunteered’ to be damage control). Jada, had changed. I don’t know the full details (still don’t), but her and one of my friends, are no longer friends. How it started, is I went to go see my friend (named ‘Oliver’) in one of his worlds. I found him semi-AFK with, who either is a random or a friend of his. This person walks off, saying “where is Jeda??” I didn’t even know she was here, and started looking for her as well (to tell her this person is looking for her).
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I found her high in the air, hidden in the upper section of Oliver’s world. She was freaking out after I told her that this person is looking for you, rambling about being sorry, how “they’re not Christians”. This wasn’t the same person I met before, yet I felt it was my responsibility to calm her down (in an attempt to show her I could be compassionate).
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Went back down, and told them that Jada “didn’t want to be spoken to”. The random person left shortly after that, and I went to Oliver in hopes he would explain.. just what the hell is going on here (and why she is having a panic attack). I unfortunately couldn’t get a clear answer out of him, so I went back to Jeda to comfort her. I managed to get her out of hiding and back to ground level. Oliver had left at this time. Her friend showed up (while she went AFK in horror) and I tried my best to explain what she told me.
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Something about, Oliver thought she needed help (reason unknown) and got this person to help her. Yet she never needed help and freaked out. She seemed so venerable to me, so helpless. And all I wanted to do, was grab her hands, look into her white eyes and giving her a hug (at least I would if I had VR). It’s like something came over me, a feeling of .. love. A feeling I was also desperately not trying to show her (as it just felt silly at the same time).
We talked in DMs (on Discord) afterwards, while I tracked down Oliver (who was in another world).. and once again I tried desperately to understand the whole situation here. Yet all he could say was “I’m under a lot of stress, and I just want to be with my friends”. I respected his request and let him go. I told Jada this, and all she wanted to do was apologize to him (yet was too scared to do it). She also kept asking me “ask him this” and “ask him that”. Hoping that I wouldn’t cause Oliver to be pissed off at me (as he is a good friend), and having to pull him away from his friends, really bugged me. He adds on by saying she “needs some time”, and “I don’t want to talk about it”.
Once again, I respected his wishes and let him go back to his friends, to never bother him again about this. He thanked me and left to do so.
I tell Jada this (hoping she’d understand), and she’s still telling me to tell Oliver things. The stress was mounting in my head, not knowing what I should do or say (where both parties could make amends). Someone was going to hate me, and it felt like I knew exactly what Charms was going through during that ‘meeting’.
Another one of my friends was thankfully here, who wasn’t busy and I was able to talk to him in private. He unfortunately didn’t really help (because I’m scared by blocking Jada, she’ll hate me and I’ll forever lose a ‘potential girlfriend’). Instead, I just talked to my friend while Jada kept going more and more unstable by the minute. I tried to tell her to calm down, and she’s all “No! I hate myself! I always ruin things!”.. fucking hell, she’s starting to sound like ME. DAMN! This proves we could be soulmates (I’m not being sarcastic, by the way).
Done with our conversation, I was able to give full attention to Jada. And finally, I did it. Under so much feeling for her, I said: “I know I just met you a day and a half… but for some reason, I feel I like you more than just a friend.” I was really swallowing my pride when I smacked my Enter key, praying I didn’t completely embarrass myself infront of her.
Shockingly, she didn’t understand what “like you more than just a friend” means. And I hammered it on, saying “I want to be there to dry your tears. I want to be that shoulder you need to cry on. And I want to (hopefully) make you feel better.” I felt, ready for this. Ready to finally get into a relationship.
She…. wasn’t. Her response;
THTS A PLATONIC CRUSH
FRIENEDS WHO ACT LIKE THEIR IN RELATIONSHIP XDDD
Heh heh, yeah. So silly. I totally wasn’t being serious when I was opening my heart to you (and you smacked it out of my hands while laughing). But I went with it and said “did I at least make you feel better?”, she says yes. So that’s good at least.
She’s now talking about her friend (and herself) getting ready to do Karaoke. Then she says “the guy I like”, showing pictures of their fursona. Never once did she say “I’m sorry, but it would had never worked out. Maybe we can still be friends?” Though the pictures did break my heart (somewhat), it also made me realize just how bored and desperate I really was being. It turned into laughter (mixed with depression), as I told Creepery over how stupid I was.
Hahahahah.. ohh god. I’m still laughing at myself as I finish off this post. Half of me is ‘celebrating’ that I’m still a bachelor (by not being ‘tied down’), while the other half… is highly disappointed this didn’t work out.
Meh. Guess true love just isn’t for me. Or.. heh, maybe I just don’t understand women that much. But, we’re still friends though.
I did need some time to clear my head after feeling emotionally-drained from that.
.
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On a completely unrelated note (which came up as I was almost done with this thing), somehow I was ‘signed into’ semi-erotic furry roleplay (without knowing) through DMs with someone I met a few days ago (in the Discord server). I have closed out the program in order to finish this thing, and I’m not sure if it’s even worth getting back on (until I wake up tomorrow).
What the FUCK happened to the human race?! We used to be brilliant scholars! We got someone to the Moon.. and now it’s been reduced TO FUCKING EROTIC FURRY ROLEPLAY!!
In the words of Professor Farnsworth from Futurama: “I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.”