Nothing like feeling what it’s like to be a man then to say “I’m sorry Wolfdog, you’re right. I’m wrong. Keep the money. ..Your big brother is scarier than my big brother!”
…More like looking like a total loser. But I’m used to making a fool of myself, right? RIGHT?! I’m used to not using my fucking brain.
I truly have no hope in my future. Why am I still alive, when not using the gray matter in my head is going to end up killing me by the receiving end of some robber or rapist? Why was I born with my mother’s stupidity?!
*sighs* Right right. I’m not explaining what happened. Brayden, happened. My.. fears Wolfdog was going to pull what Chris did to Jero, happened.
Basically I was trying to see who was on in VRChat, see if I could talk to some of Wolf’s friends and see if he had already talked to them about me. And, I honestly shouldn’t had. But I felt if he did, then I could convince them with my side of the story and they would see the truth. At least, that was the idea.
Saw Brayden on and went to him. He was dealing with some personal drama in another world and decided to let him and the friend he was with at the time, be. Until I had a chance to talk to him. My window opened eventually when the friend left. Went over to Brayden and asked a bit later “notice something missing from my arm?”
He said “yes”. So I said “well, I’m just here to ask if Wolfdog said anything to you”. Said no. So that’s all I wanted to know and I was getting ready to leave… except I forgot who Brayden was. He was the muscle behind DJ, when it came to that hacker.
He wanted to know what was going on. And..I made the mistake telling him about the whole money thing. Then he says “welp, you got me involved. I’m going to be moderator and bring Wolfdog into a call, and we’re going to discuss this”…I started to sweat from nervousness in my headset (from having to face Wolf over this), then said “this has already been discussed by us. It’s OK. You don’t need to do anything.”
“So why did you tell me? Why did you get me involved?” he asks. “I didn’t want to get you involved at all. I was just worried what Wolf was going to do.”
“I don’t listen to one-sided conversations” he said.
And that’s fine, good sir. Now, I’ll be on my way… no. He went on and did the call and I was forced to hear Wolfdog’s conversation to Brayden, through his mic. He literally forced us to talk about this, when I had already told him “this was already discussed”.
It was excruciatingly painful ..and shameful, to listen to. Not to mention hearing my own voice through his mic (while I’m trying to explain my side of the story) made it even worse. And after the discussion between us was over, he looked at me in a very shameful manner. Told me how stupid this conversation is in his opinion, over money.
“You two need to calm down and fix this” he said. We already have worked out a deal here. You don’t need to get involved, Brayden! FFS. Let me handle this!
“You handled it wrongly” he said. “You should had come to me. Your friendship is in trouble and you’re too blind to see it.”
“There is no friendship anymore” I said. “Did you not just hear Wolfdog? He’s not going to block you” he said. And one time he told me Wolfdog “would take a bullet to care for someone. I know him. I know he wouldn’t be doing what you told me.”
I said “the relationship was flawed from the start. He rushed it”. Brayden blamed me for it. Saying “you should had said ‘no’. Are you telling me you’re incapable of saying ‘no’?”
That. fucking. hurt. Not to mention it brought back those painful (but
preventable) memories of Grok. I wanted to get the fuck out of there and die in a hole, and he wouldn’t let me leave. I yelled “I DON’T WANT TO DISCUSS THIS ANYMORE!!” Wouldn’t let me leave. Just kept jabbing me. It was like my common sense had taken a physical form and was bitch slapping me, trying to tell me to wake the fuck up before my stupidity of not using my words to control a situation like that ends up fucking killing myself in the future.
I calmed down somewhat and just told him about wanting the money and that was it. He said “money money money. That’s why you’re a dragon. You’re greedy. You don’t care about the friendship. You only care about the money.”
A saving grace showed up in the form of a friend of his, where he changed the topic. I followed them as he showed us a tour of the world I arrived in.. while at the same time feeling as if something was forcefully ripped out of my body.. leaving an empty husk of constant dread that Brayden will say something else about this. Or worse.
I still haven’t recovered as I write this. But, what Brayden said about the money made me realize.. he was right. And hopefully I can still save this by saying I don’t want the $200 anymore.
And that’s what I did.. or tried to do. Messaged Wolfdog….. begging him not to tell Brayden about this, that this would just between him and myself. Told him I don’t want the money anymore, that I gave it to him as I knew he needed it and would just leave it like that.
I also wanted him to know that I was sorry for all of this shit that happened, and wanted to take full responsibility for it. Just hoping and praying we could walk away from this. But if he wants to block me, then so be it. I’m just trying to let go of my guilty conscience here.
Still waiting for a response, even if it’s in the form of “ok”. I just want this matter over
with, so I personally can move on. But it’s like he’s refusing to give me that feeling of satisfaction, staying offline.
.
I have noone to turn to, nor do I deserve anyone or go to anyone about this. I am on my own.
…What can they fucking do anyway? They’d be agreeing with Brayden and Wolfdog, not me. But the real problem is this doesn’t just affect me in VRChat.. it affects me IRL too. If I’m not willing to use my words, I’m going to continue to be taken advantage. And one time it just might be… fatal.
I just don’t understand, why I didn’t before. Why I didn’t use common sense. ..Why do I let people walk all over me? So many “why”‘s, and no real action as to prevent it from happening again.
When will my common sense actually fucking kick in? I don’t have the answer to that. They say to focus on yourself before you focus on a relationship. Can’t even do that.
So why am I even alive right now? Why God.. WHY?! WHAT are you trying to show me is my purpose of being alive?! You seriously think I’m capable of change?! You might as well pull the plug then.
If only, had I been more open to him. If only, had I not been so butthurt over jokes. Could had saved this relationship. All I can say is, I will try.. try to actually use my damn brain if this happens again (to actually say ‘no’ if I don’t feel comfortable with something). This has happened way too many times. It needs to stop.
…But will I actually stop it? Only time will tell. But remember how long it took until I started asking for age. It’ll take time, but it’ll sink in.. eventually.