Who knew the very thing Grok did to defend myself and Wolfdog.. he would use on me.
Continuing from last night, I did finally get some sleep. Woke up around 11:30 in the morning. I hear Discord on my phone trying to get my attention. Grab it and see Wolfdog ask “what do you mean?” I try to call him on my phone, feeling this thing cannot be explained by texting. He assumes I’m trying to leave him.. I quickly tell him “No! No, not at all!”
I explain the situation, nearly crying at the end… praying he won’t leave me over this. He tells me “I’m not going to leave you. I’ve done the same thing with Grok, and I understand you’re uncomfortable. I understand you prefer being in a closed relationship.”
I wanted to hug my phone as if I’m hugging him, explaining just how much I loved him and would never leave him.
After getting breakfast down my throat and getting on my computer, Grok calls me. Oh shit. I tell Wolfdog to please tell him about this, and he does. Some time later he tells me that Grok understands and (Wolfdog) wants me to join the call… I felt very unsure about this, but did it for him.
Grok says that I “disappointed” him, that I could had told him sooner. …Yes. Yes. But I was scared. I even explained this, but he didn’t seem interested. Then he says “Wolf, just send me the evidence and we’ll call it a day”. I explained to Wolfdog about Grok, that this is why I didn’t want to join the call and “I was just trying to be nice, yet he… he got the wrong idea. And apparently it’s my fault here.”
Wolf felt he was going to remove us from the pack as soon as he sends the evidence, and he was absolutely right when Grok said “you two appreciate your relationship outside of the pack”, and I saw I was kicked out of it. He followed with “I’m going to work. Goodbye” and leaves the call. Wolfdog and I talked about this. The next thing I know, Grok messages this to us in the chat: “on one last note: don’t contact my pack ever”. He blocks me (yet I haven’t been able to confirm he actually did block me as I.. really don’t want to see nor hear Grok for the rest of my fucking life) and unfriends Wolfdog, then leaves the
group.
Wolfdog was semi-pissed with the whole “don’t contact the pack” thing, as his friends are in the pack. He wanted to get them out and spread the word of what Grok did to us. This got to the point where he was able to get ahold of Grok’s BF; ‘shininghero’ (or
just ‘shining’ for short). I let Wolfdog do the talking. But when it was time for me, my mother decided to butt in unannounced.. three times as I was explaining to Shining. *facepalm*
As of now she hasn’t asked me what the hell I was talking about. ..I pray that stays like
that, as I was in the middle of saying “he fucked me in the ass” when I saw her again.
–
Anyway, back to Shining. He did not help when he said “you should learn when to say ‘no’. But I understand, you’re young”. …My emotions go BRRR!
I explained “I’m uh.. 44 years old.” He was shocked when I said that. I continued
with “But.. yes, I do know this, and I know I didn’t use proper judgement. But I felt he had me against the wall.”
He seemed to understand, but his words bothered me for a very long time. Some time later he left to deal with Grok. Two or so hours had passed since then. Was past dinnertime for me and I was trying to focus on eating.. but I kept feeling anxious over
what Shining said while listening to Wolfdog and others talk about random things. Wolf tried to get me to talk. I explained my anxiety and he said to not beat myself up.
“Why NOT?!” I exclaimed, “I’m fucking 44 years old! WHY DIDN–” Had to stop myself short as Shining suddenly rejoined us in the call. Kept quiet as he revealed the results, him sighing his head off.
He said, that Grok “admitted to the entire thing”. My eyes widened when he said that Grok is sorry for what he did to me. On one hand I still feel like beating myself up, but on the other I feel relieved this didn’t go any further (that Grok (through his BF) admits he messed up).
Wolfdog on the other hand wanted Grok to come here and tell us this in person. I told him in DMs that I’m content with just this being the response.. that I didn’t want to deal with Grok ever again. Because, Grok reminds me of Frost. Both of them protect their community and will fight anyone that disturbs it. And I still don’t want to talk
to Frost eversince the whole DJ shitshow… scared I’m going to have my head ripped clean off from just saying “hi”. And really, that’s understandable. Both are intimidating.
In ways I still feel like beating myself up over how I acted that night. Infact I did the day after this happened (right infront of Wolfdog).
I expected him to say “Benie, if you don’t stop I’m going to leave you” And I really wouldn’t mind. I deserve it. Instead, he said “we will work through it”. My anger and frustration to myself slowly started to fade. At first I felt “I don’t know how”. As my rage continued to subside, I could see he was being absolutely serious with his words. Started to calm down and slowly nodded. Soon my anger had fully left me, replaced with true love. It was as if he was holding me close, rubbing my head and saying “I still love you, nomatter your faults. We will make this work”. I wanted to cry on his shoulder. I wanted to say “I’m sorry”. Then I felt him giving me a deep kiss, as if to tell me “don’t be. Be yourself. That’s why I love you”.
Wolfdog, IS.. the one! I’ve.. finally… found… the one!! *crying in tears of joy* After.. three long years of failed relationships, I’ve finally found the one.
*calms down* Sorry, everyone. Heh. I didn’t mean to get this emotional. I just, feel absolutely blessed to have someone like him to watch me, to protect me from my own stupidity.
I love you, Wolfdog. I swear to be by your side for the rest of my life. And he swears the same too. I pray this doesn’t change in the future, like it did with Jero. I put him high on a pedestal, to worship him for his devotion to me. And now, Wolfdog is like Jero was in the past, swearing he will never hurt me and nothing will hurt me with him by my side.
Heh.. hell of a gamble Wolfdog’s betting on my future. I just hope it pays off, for both of us.
—
And that, as they say, is that. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened with Grok. He has a well known history coming from former members of his pack, of him being butthurt around people he had feelings for. Him also making similar advancements to people (that he made with me).
Plus, Shining told us that Grok might be disbanding the pack completely. I never wanted this. Now that I know what the pack truly stands for (and I wish he told me sooner), Grok doesn’t need to disband because of what happened. I’ve got nothing against polyrelationships.
Just, Grok needs to stop assuming he ‘owns’ everyone in the pack. He also needs to ask for consent. He never asked me “is it OK with you even though you have a boyfriend?” Nothing of that. Plus I would had never agreed to do something like that.
Grok, you will learn not everyone is into a polyrelationship (or an open relationship). It’s true that I’ve been through a lot with my failed relationships. Even formed my
own ‘pack’ with Cola, BlueBio and RedFox between the two times I was a BF to Jero. It was fun for awhile, until Fluffy joined (ugh), and then Blue and Cola started developing
an inter-group relationship and I made a decision to let them go (unlike what I hear Grok does), and then disbanded the group since I felt RedFox didn’t really care
anymore.
My point is: I didn’t need the support of a poly group ‘pack’. Grok assumed myself and Wolfdog were in an open relationship. Because, Wolfdog and Grok have been friends for over a year. Even Wolfdog said he was kind of unsure of being in a closed relationship with me, but he’s willing to make it work. And what he just said to me (as I stated), I see proof of this.
.
My bond with Wolfdog has never been stronger. Gone are all those unsure feelings I had for him, and I’m willing to work though his faults as he’s willing to work through
mine.
This is likely the best thing that came out of this (just like the DJ shitshow). He has, time and time AGAIN.. been there for me when I needed someone. That is true love, and I am eternally grateful to call him mine. Though I’ll likely never will truly learn from my mistakes, I have confidence Wolfdog will do his best to be there by my side; to be that shoulder to cry on when I do fuck up by complete accident.
I love you, Wolfdog. Now and always. You are mine, and I am yours. We’ll get through the tough times, together as one. You will be my strength, and I will be your forever faithful partner.
..Feel like I’m about to cry in tears of joy again. I better end this post now.