Bit of a mixed bag here. But if you’ve stayed with me this long, I’m very thankful.
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Finally got my answers
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Bit of a quick one here, which will more than likely be the reverse with how I like expressing myself.
What do I mean from this title? ..I finally got my answers about Jero. But, it wasn’t from Jero himself. It was from Larry. This is the same time when I really felt unsure about my relationship with Wolfdog and was talking to Larry about it, how I felt this was rushed and stuff. Felt I was being ‘controlled’ by Wolfdog to change for the better, which I really don’t like. It brought back to my mind what Jero said about me to Kovo, behind my back. When he said I was “controlling”.
For the longest time I felt “…really? Trying to get you to be more communicative in order to save the relationship is ‘controlling’?
.”
But, Larry opened up my eyes to the truth;
“Jero was basically saying that because you wanted him to do things that you liked and he didn’t want to do them.
But, it’s not controlling if you work together with your new BF. Aka, both of you can do things eachother wants to do. It’s showing you love him and you’re willing to make the relationship work out.”
Remembering the past… *looks down in shame* Larry is right. I definitely remember when Jero got upset at me because of this. ..This has gotta be why he left me.
Now I’m not saying this is 100% my fault. It’s also his, for not coming to me when he felt something’s wrong. Plus, being communicative should not fall under this. Even Larry wanted me to understand that. We both fucked up with that relationship, yet Jero never really showed he didn’t want it to end.
–
So where in the fuck am I going with this blog post? Why did I even bring this up, when this conversation with Larry happened almost a week ago? Started from what I posted in the #tech-talk channel of what I posted. Guy with a video about ‘cheap full body tracking for everyone’ and also showing a picture of ‘VR Headsets On Steam’.
I was all “where’s the Oculus CV1’s? Where’s the Rift S’s?” Wufy commented saying
they’re “probably in the Facebook graph” and “it’s a graph based on the brand, not model”.
The next day, I saw ‘7 blocked messages’ had responded. It was Jero.. who had actually responded to me about it. He explained the reason why the Valve Index only had 16.5% of the SteamVR market.
But anyway, I thought about it for awhile. Clearly, he has moved on. He’s buried the hatchet in trying to find Larry’s true identity. That’s great.. at least I hope he has. Kovo’s never come up to me and said “Jero’s still trying”. So, I unblocked him. Feel I’m doing the right thing. It’s time for me to move on too; to let go of this ‘despise’ feeling.
Even if I didn’t have a new BF, it seriously is time to let this go. It has been for a long while now and it’s just been stupid to me of why I still hold a grudge.
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Helping Wolfdog financially, yet why do I feel I fucked up?
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Moving on to my current BF, one who has helped me twice with friends of troubled
pasts (and even helped me on a personal level when I was feeling really depressed.. by just being there with me).
As I said before, he’s done more than Jero’s ever done for me. And that’s why I decided to finally reward him with a huge thank you (in the form of $200 through PayPal).
“Woah.. wait. Did you just say you gave him $200?! That’s a lot of damn money!” you’re likely saying. It is. But I did it in order to help him financially. “So uh.. why do you feel you fucked up then? I don’t get it.”
Patience, my dear reader. All will be revealed in mere seconds. And the reason is how he reacted after it. I half expected him to come on VRChat and say “ohh hun, you need to come on. I know just how to thank you, and you’ll love it.” Aka him deciding to be a bottom for a day in order to show his appreciation. Instead, he licks me and says “thank you hun”. That was it. And now he’s playing GTA5 with friends.
You uh.. you see a problem here right? I’m not just a friend who felt sorry for him and wanted to help financially. I’m his boyfriend. Shouldn’t that come with added benefits? Plus, that $200 could had gone to my mother (if I had seen it sooner). Because there
was $217 in my PayPal account. I only assume most (if that all of that) was a refund for my mother long ago from something she bought on eBay (that she didn’t like). But I made the mistake and gave $200 of that to him. However, I’ve corrected it (just incase) by taking money out of my bank account.
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But, I’m a bit worried Wolfdog might be another ‘Scooby’ or another ‘Nova’. Because Kovo feels Nova is using him as a piggy bank, and Scooby with Jero.. that mess in the past of Scooby not wanting to pay back the money Jero gave him. Now I’m not going that route. Not at all.
Wolfdog has never asked me once for money. When I had offered (today) to give him something to thank him for the help, he said “up to you hun” followed by “I could use the money”.
Now you could see this as a form of ‘asking for money’ (for saying he ‘could use it’). But again, he never truly asked me directly. I feel, it was more of the lines of “well sweetie if you’d like to help I could use some money, but you don’t have to if you don’t wanna.” That is not the definition of asking for money. It’s welcoming any help because you’re kind of desperate for it. And knowing his living conditions, there’s no doubt in my
mind.
“He should still pay it back in some way, since you’re his BF and not just a friend of his. It’s only fair and it’ll help strengthen the bond between you two.” That is very logical. But on the other side of this coin, you can say “You offered to help him. Aka that’s a financial contribution; a donation. Just like donating money in a Twitch stream. So you shouldn’t really feel he ‘owes you’. That’s wrong.”
Both of these responses hold weight, and that’s why I’m unsure of this. So, I brought this up to Kovo in hopes he could help me. His response was pretty much “only do this one time. If he wants more money, then you have the right to ask for some kind of gift in return.”
He clearly didn’t understand me, so I tried explaining this in a better way and now he understands. He said that Nova refuses any help in funding, but Kovo did it anyway. This is clearly different than with Wolfdog.
But, he also says to not feel ashamed in feeling I’m owed. He feels it too sometimes (with Nova).
For now though, I won’t bring this up to Wolfdog. I want to see if he’s going to treat me as one of his other friends who help him out, or as an actual boyfriend. From the way he originally acted, it’s hard to say it’ll be the latter.
But, I still won’t tell him. However if he actually one day says “hey hun I really need money”.. then and only then do I have the right to say “when am I going to get something really nice for helping you? I’m your boyfriend, not another friend of yours. I give but I’m not getting.”