Dunno where to start. Dunno how to start. ..But I feel this relationship with Wolfdog just isn’t going to work out for me. I don’t feel my heart is in the right place, where I feel actually content in not even needing a relationship (and being happy with these friends with benefits).
I dunno what’s wrong with me. But it’s like, my mood changes with him from VRChat and outside of the game. In VRChat, I really love the fact he loves me… but outside of the game it’s like, he feels.. ugh. Annoying to talk to? Something about his voice just.. believe me when I say I absolutely KNOW it’s wrong to base someone off of that! I know this!
But.. fuck.
It feels like I’m being pulled away from my friends, from what I enjoy doing (by him). It’s like I’ve defaulted on that ‘feel tied down’ feeling I felt years ago.. somehow. It could be several factors;
1. He seems to ‘change’ who he is in Discord compared to VRChat. Ingame, I feel he’s very compassionate, friendly, and caring. But outside of the game he doesn’t really show
this. He shows his RL self.
2. We’re both tops, so neither of us like taking it up the ass. Yet sex should be the least thing you’d consider of a relationship; it should only be seen as an ‘added benefit’. ..Though he won’t give me a blowjob yet expects to be given one.
3. He seems to have this really.. annoying ‘desire’ to repeat himself several times as in he’s trying to prove a point (and overdoing it).
4. When he speaks, he won’t let me speak until he’s done talking. He seems to hate having someone talk over him (especially when he starts repeating himself). Doesn’t know when to just shut up.
5. Seems ‘ashamed’ when I tell others proudly (and he’s with me) “so this is my BF!”
6. Doesn’t seem interested in the stories I tell him, yet expects me to be interested in
his. He hasn’t even asked for a link to this website.
7. Seemed almost as ‘flirty’ as Jero (one time), watching him play VRChat (licked someone’s crotch once).
8. I feel he has rushed this relationship upon me. ..Though I will admit I felt ready to commit to it at the time, I no longer do.
9. Doesn’t like playing VRChat after 1am my time, when usually things get pretty active. This is when he gets tired (yet never heads to bed). Yet he wants me to be with him in a call.
10. Doesn’t seem to really show any true desire to see me again after I say that “I’ll be back”.
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There’s things I like, and then there’s things I don’t like. And the “don’t like”‘s are starting to outweigh the “like”‘s. Oy it’s.. maddening. But #1, #3, and #8 is the most problematic here (to the point I kind of want to end this relationship and not see him for awhile).
Though I believe I know the issue here.. he’s GOT to be looking for an IRL
relationship, not a VRChat relationship. There’s just too many red flags to not
be!
Red flag #1 is how many times he has told me that he wishes to “hold me in his arms”. Now this is really cute and all, but he can ‘hold me’ in VRChat. And he doesn’t seem happy with this. He hardly uses VR, usually in desktop. And he seems to not even want to bend himself to be in VR just because of me. ..I’m just saying. If he wants to hold me so damn bad then get in VR! So yeah, you see the red flag, do you not?
Red flag #2, is a long thing for me to explain.
He wanted a picture of my IRL chest and stomach. I didn’t feel comfortable showing
this, knowing my mother could walk in my room any second and see me. And it’s like he almost doesn’t seem to understand this, by saying “I so want you to live with me and the other 2 roomates”. ..I’m sorry, but I don’t really work well with others. I have a short temper.
After this, I finally felt forced enough to drop the ‘rushed relationship’ hammer
down. Starts telling me “it’s just me and the other two roomates are really struggling to make ends meet at the apartment we are now”. …What’s there for else to say here, folks? There it is, black and white– he wants an IRL relationship. Yet it also feels to use my money to help him and his roomates.
Stepping back, I get that. I respect that. Completely understandable. You need that
help, and this would be quite beneficial to us both. I’d finally get out of this house with someone I truly love, and you hopefully wouldn’t be struggling to survive as we’ll be able to use both our Survivor’s Benefits money pools to make it.
Yeah. Definitely would work.. if I wasn’t myself who has treated their parents like shit and is a lazy, whiny piece of SHIT who really doesn’t understand why I’m still alive….
I, explained this to him in as much detail as I could. I want him to realize this isn’t going to work out between us (IRL). Even told him”I hide behind a mask of happiness”. Wufy fucking gets me! He’s the same way! That’s why he isn’t perusing an IRL relationship with BlueBio. He’s scared for Blue as I’m scared for Wolf that it’s going to fall apart so fucking fast.
Yet he… seems completely and utterly unphased by any of this! HOW?! This–this is not how any of this works!! You need someone to help you financially, do you not? I can’t be there for that! I don’t do IRL relationships unless I truly feel confident with the other person!
..THIS is what I mean by it feeling rushed. And this, is why I have to end the relationship before it goes too far.
But I dunno where to even begin with that painful thing. I dunno how to bring him down slowly and he won’t feel heartbroken. That’s the hardest thing to do, likely why Jero didn’t. He knew how much I loved him. He knew how much I wanted to make this work, how I called him ‘the one’.
I called Wolfdog ‘the one’ too, because of how I felt around him (in VRChat). Now all of this is happening. I’m just scared this is going to reach a point of no return where I’m going to have to be forced to come up with a decision– change my life and be with him, or continue living my current life and die alone (yet also leaving friends who would really miss me)?
It very much is. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.
Well, I’m going to have to think of something soon. Unless he manages to change my mindset that he actually isn’t looking for that type of relationship (unless I’m ready for it). Yet it’s hard not to with all the red flags, you know?
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So, trying to ignore all of this, I have been trying to add his avatar to mine in the form of a doll (like I did with Jero and Wuffer back in the day). But this time, it hasn’t been
easy.
I have the knowledge to do it; haven’t forgotten. ..The problem (and it’s a rather big
one), is his avatar uses SDK 3.0 and mine uses 2.0. I originally thought this would be
a no-go, though all 3.0’s core change is how animations work on the avatar. The fact it’s just a doll (stripped of everything that makes it an avatar), surely I shouldn’t have any issue.
….But VRChat is kicking my ass for NO fucking reason!! >:(
Another classic ‘works fine in Unity but not in VRChat’ issue. I was able to do the same thing I did for my project, and it works. But NOT in VRChat!! UGH!!!
What kills me is in the avatar preview thing that shows your avatar on the left, it works in there. But in the mirror.. NOPE!! It’s in a T-Pose! ..WHY?!?!
Only thing I can think of is.. just pure bullshit. “Oh, you’re not going to get away with stripping it out of everything that makes it an avatar. Hell no. The model was still designed for SDK 3.0! You can’t fucking alter that! HA-Ha!”
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Only way around this is to.. manually pose the damn thing like I did for the tiny hand puppet. But it’s so. fucking. PAINFUL playing with those damn Transform numbers eversince I discovered the power behind uMotion!
Just, ugh. But I don’t have any other choice to get the pose I want to work. uMotion isn’t bailing me out this time of having to do the old, painful way to pose. :/
Feel like busting out the Kragle and fucking Micromanage the model to force VRChat to accept the pose!
“MICROMANGERS!! …Micromanage this annoying pose to force VRChat to accept it!”