This post was originally made yesterday (aka last year) at 8pm. It has been completely re-wrote this year (as I wanted to get in VRChat to watch movies with Scooby).
So yeah, last post of 2019, and first edit of 2020 (and the new decade)!
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At least, that was Scooby’s plan to count down to 2020 (yet he never messaged me in Discord). Was busy writing down things I wanted to do in my solo play of Raft (yes I’ve actually been playing that. Wufy did join me once, but not to help me progress, which is what I wanted. Gave me suggestions and stuff).
Anyway, Blue messages me as I’m watching one of the local news channels. They’re talking about a fatal crash near where he lives, and I asked him about it. Said it happened about a half an hour drive from him, so he’s alright (was never involved, being at home).
Tell him my New Year’s resolution: saying I’m going to try to get my driver’s license. Then he says something about “it involves cola but nothing bad”.
Thought he was talking about going to go buy a few cases of Coke-Cola and drink them down once 2020 arrives (something silly like that). But I was also confused, and asked what he meant.
He said “well lets just say i think his hearts finally opened up”… so it’s true of what I
said, that Cola loves him. And he’s trying to take Blue away from me.
I didn’t know what to say, but my selfish side pushed through.. saying “This is what you want. You wanted to be a bachelor and not deal with this love drama shit!” Yet at the same time I.. felt Blue had to make that choice that Cola asked me. But unlike Cola, I wanted to choose for him. Pick Cola, dude. I know you still have very strong feelings of love for me, but… I… hold on, let me explain before I continue. There are legitimate reasons why I’m ‘pushing him away’, and it’s ‘love’ in general.
1. Making the group a poly and blaming Ruffy for it, when it was myself for “not wanting to give up control”.
2. Fluffy (I don’t need to say anymore).
3. The shitstorm with Jero and Chris, that really didn’t need to happen if I had
fucking LET HIM GO SOONER…
4. Dating Ninja because I was unhappy with Fluffy (and wanting to call someone my own again).
I see disbanding the group would ‘solve all my problems’. But Blue and Fluffy are reasons why I haven’t yet. And with Cola officially wanting Blue to be his BF (according to Blue), I just feel he would be happy with him. After all, Cola did tell me that “nothing lasts forever”, and I did my best to love him. I just don’t want to compete against Cola, and feel like “you want him, you can have him! You’d be doing me a favor to rid my virtual life of personal love drama!”
Sooooo… why not help Blue out by making the decision for him? That’s not being selfish, is it? It’s just me giving up the fight, over the whole poly thing.. that’s literally it. It has nothing to do with personal stress (at least, that’s the way I want him to think).
So, there you go, Blue. No drama of having to make a choice. I know there’s still going to be, because he’ll have a hard time getting over that he had strong feelings for me. But I hope.. he’ll get over it. That’s not being selfish. That’s not taking advantage of this to end the drama with the group (because it won’t exist anymore).
But even if he agrees that it’s best (to end most if not all the drama going on in my virtual life)… Fluffy is still an issue (for him). Fluffy being on vacation in Mexico, does make things easier on us. And I’m not going to tell him anything about this until a week after he gets back (to give him time). Basically, to not do what I did when he was on vacation in Europe. I want him to enjoy his vacation, without VRChat-related drama.
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Back in VRChat, I tried watching The Hobbit in the movie world (as I wanted something that would pass the time for 3+ hours until 2020). Muum visited me but couldn’t see the video. He’s got a new avatar that looks like a cross-breed of a Dutchie and an Avali, in his sunken boi colors. It’s pretty awesome. After he went to go see other friends, I noticed (two days after cleaning out all of my BTD 4.0 versions), VRChat fucked up and didn’t properly upload the RL version of it.
So I had to fix that and finally had it back. It’s now 10pm– two hours until 2020. Went back watching the movie again and stayed there until exactly 11:45pm, then went to the largest-filled public instance of the NYC Times Square 2020 world to await the ball to drop. A lot of people left overtime (but more joined). I then got an invite to join friends who are doing the same thing.
With mere seconds to go, most of the friends went up to the rooftop to watch the final countdown (leaving me alone when it became 10 seconds left)…
HAPPY NEW YEAR to Eastern Standard Time!! 😀 Hello 2020! I wish this day started on a better note than Blue leaving me for Cola, and myself shutting the group down. But I also see this as “finishing what I started”.. aka my love life.
Stayed in the world for an hour (as more and more friends joined). We took several group photos (like this one).
Wufy joined as more friends joined (some wanting in the picture, others deciding not). He was quite depressed of the shit he went through last year (and not feeling confident this year would be any different for him). I feel cautiously optimistic for him, and for myself. To give up hope something’s going to happen that’s good, is to give up everything.
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Once New Years Day for Central Standard Time rolled in, I left as I was depressed too. Even though this is what I want, I really wish it didn’t have to happen this way. If Cola never fell inlove with Blue, he would have likely been my BF. But for Blue to say no to Cola would be worse than saying no to Fluffy (if you can imagine that).
Blue would lose a lot (all the avatars Cola did for him, and possibly their friendship). And I don’t want Blue to have to deal with that.
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4:50am. I wanted to talk to Blue about all of this (especially about Fluffy). Told him about Ninja, Ruffy, and myself with Fluffy. I was going to go to bed at 5:30.. ended up going at 6.
Blue could understand me (why I made this decision for him)… to lessen the drama. Though he had opinions about the group after I told him why I didn’t want the group to ever become a true poly (stating he actually wasn’t a fan of it, over Cola and Fluffy trying to shake things up). You read me, so well… especially this part.
“Love is just.. drama. Then again… kind of known that, like… whenever you look at anyone’s relationships, there’s always drama.
Something about relationships, there’s always gonna be drama, there’s gonna be
fights, everything. And then they say ‘if you can still stay together after all of these
fights, then it’s a true relationship.’ I don’t want to live a life of arguing. And drama.
If I have to fight someone for the rest of my life, then I rather stay a loner.”
Dude.. I swear. Fucking hell.. that’s LITERALLY what I feel about Fluffy!!! You.. wow. If only Cola wasn’t inlove with you, I would date you instead of Fluffy.
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Then we talked about Ruffy, which I found out he either lied or was seriously
misguided, once claiming to Blue that he was part of the group. Wtf?! Ruffy, part of the group?!
Whatever though. Told him all about Ruffy (how I met him, when him and Fluffy were dating, and the whole ‘jealous lover’ thing).. and about him calling me a pedophile.
“…Really” was his response to that. “of course people try to do that”. You seem like you’ve witnessed this before, but I explained the rest of it. He asked “..was he that jealous?” At the time, yeah.. that’s what I thought anyway, until Ruffy did apologize (and seemed sincere).
But, I know Fluffy’s going to go to Ruffy (and Aftershock, and possibly even
ShyGuy), wanting answers.. and I may have to block them all (when they come for
me). Because I can’t keep doing this to myself.
Love needs to feel true, not “doing this for you as a friend”. I mean sure… I did feel love for him, but that always died out of how he acts around me. He is no Jero, he never will be.
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So yeah. Happy New Year, everyone! Hopefully things go better this year for myself (and for all of you reading).