I don’t know how to properly set the title, nor do I really want to talk about a subject that is as old as the group itself. But yesterday, I ‘gave up’ (for them). I did it (for them).
In other words, if they leave to find love of their own, I’m forced to accept it. And now I see how Ruffy feels, of feeling alone and stuff. I already feel alone, but I deserve it. Because I’ve been so. fucking. used to a closed (standard) relationship, and wanted so bad to keep the group like that.
But, by doing this… I no longer feel jealous when I see one of them hanging out with someone else (hence, no more love drama weighing me down).
–
I don’t even know what started this week-long love drama that’s been stacking ontop of eachother (anything before seeing Cola and Blue being together when I was watching that movie with Thresio), and the frustration of not knowing what was on Cola’s mind. Yet I just don’t understand how that little thing would cause me so much stress. I don’t remember the shitstorm with Ruffy (which would definitely cause the stress) having before or after that.
…Oh right, the thing with Chris happened before it (calling Fluffy “my boy” and the
group “my sex group”)– which both are completely untrue, as I said back then. But that also wouldn’t had caused me to ‘lose interest’ in the group. ..Bah, whatever. Sometimes it’s best not to question my own brain.
What did (to my mind).. was Ruffy, for not accepting that Fluffy is happy. He questioned the group, saying I should had made it into a poly (saying it would be a lot stronger). And of this time, I just don’t see how. But that’s beside the story of what happened.
And the story is basically, myself avoiding VRChat: hoping Raft would actually have a story beyond that one island that tells the player what happened to the planet. But the story hasn’t been extended for over a year (when I saw IGP playing it). I don’t care about new islands! I want to see a PURPOSE for the $20 I slammed down on the table infront of Steam to be with my friends!! If I knew the story was still unfinished, I would had never wasted the money!! That $20 could had gone to buying essential IRL groceries! …But it’s too late. I’m stuck with it.
*sigh* So the love drama story continued in VRChat. Heard them talking to Cola, and then heard Kovo saying Cola’s punching his nuts, so I wanted to punch Kovo in the face (and did so). Petted Cola, but was sighing my head off (without them hearing me). Then Fluffy joined. I stayed silent, then Fluffy went over to the others. Suddenly Wufy starts screaming out Fluffy’s name, which grabs my attention. Hearing about “on my screen, you’re a sergal with a dick!!”, them telling him to switch avatars as Fluffy tries to defend himself that he’s am Impim (which is what I saw).
..Yet, my mind was filled with “Fluffy’s cheating on me”.. but I stayed quiet through that entire ordeal. Then Fluffy came up to me and asked “did you see what they said?” I said “no”, and Fluffy’s all “ohh good” with Kandy coming over, and Fluffy asking him to ‘not tell me’. I said “I heard them saying it”, followed by “and people wonder why I’m so fucking depressed right now!!”
A very brief silence happened, then Kovo asked if I was doing OK. I lied saying I’m doing fine, and was hoping that would be the end of it. Cola however, was telling me to step away from the mirror and talk to him. Cola.. please. I don’t want to talk about it. And I was avoiding him, pretending I didn’t see him. But he wouldn’t just let me ignore it, and I respawned and walked away for a bit, then turned around and waited (thinking they were going to show up and see me). I saw someone show up, but I was too far away for them to see me.
Fast forward a tiny bit, I talked to them in the tower (usually the best spot when discussing very private things). Cola then left, and was trying to invite me to his homeworld. …But I stayed with Fluffy instead, wondering why he couldn’t just use his mic there. It’s like he wanted to defend himself (and it would turn into a shitshow). So I avoided it. If you can’t talk to both of us about this, I don’t want to talk.
–
The next day, Cola tells me he wants to ‘take a break from the group’ because of the drama. I felt my life was falling apart… all because of one man; Ruffy. I wanted to blame Ruffy for this, for telling me I’m ‘selfish’ for not allowing them to love eachother. For not just accepting Fluffy’s happy.
First, I had to deal with Cola, and told him everything. He, was actually shocked that Blue had strong feelings for him. And as we’re wrapping the conversation up (and I’m actually feeling a lot better), Cola tells me something that happened with Fluffy and Blue.. that causes more frustration and sadness in my soul. Apparently, Cola caught Fluffy ‘having fun’ with Blue. He told me to not tell Blue or Fluffy. Alright, but I want you to let me know if it happens again. I thought it was done, then he asked me “why? I’m just curious why you should be let known this” in the calmest way he could say it.
…Seriously? So in a sense, you’re agreeing with Ruffy. And that’s when Cola saw my true side, the side that is too stubborn to change my life (and left me alone for the rest of the day).
I then wanted to speak to Fluffy, telling him the ‘good’ news I have for him. Had to do a new instance of the world I was in (as it assumed Cola was still there). Fluffy joined, and I told him the news. He was shocked to hear Cola pretty much agrees with Ruffy that the group needs to be a poly, feeling it’ll be ‘stronger’. Then I told him what Cola told me, and he was very upset of himself. “But don’t worry Fluffy, I’m going to disband the group, so you can have Blue all to yourself.” I was very much serious with my words. Yes I was upset too, but I wasn’t mad. I was giving him what he wanted.
He wanted Blue, he blamed me for getting in the way. Well, he gets his wish. So be
happy, Fluffy. You wanted this. But he very much wasn’t happy, crying and running away from me, and then leaves. I stay in the world, by myself. Then I talk to Ruffy, saying “I hope you’re happy! YOU CAUSED THIS!!” And it got messy… very, very fast.
I regretted making the group. I wanted to set them free.. I wanted to shut it down. I
felt “they’re going to leave me anyway. Nothing lasts forever. I might we ll just end it now. Let them be free, while I will be lonely. Ruffy.. I hope you’re happy!” And I got extremely close to doing it… using Ruffy as a fucking emotional punching bag by accident. …I don’t fucking deserve love after what I’ve done to them!!!
–
But then, something came over me, of just how stupid I’ve become with this. For
months, all I’ve been thinking is about my own happiness. Never.. have I thought of their happiness. And.. I can’t do it to them. It would be wrong. So wrong. …I have to do the right thing. I.. have to make it a poly, only then would I actually be free of love drama (and everyone wins). And I actually felt happy about it. 🙂
But that night, Wufy (unaware of what happened) was quite concerned (of Blue). See I tried to kiss Blue, and he didn’t react to it. I assumed he was AFK or doing something in the background, but Wufy (and DJ) saw differently, and wanted to bring this up to my attention. And Wufy was surprised when I told him I made the group into a poly, allowing them to love whoever they want. No more jealousy. …So why did it feel I got stabbed in the heart for doing the right thing? The way Wufy said it, felt I made a really bad mistake.
In more ways than one, I did the right thing. Yet I just don’t see how it would make the group ‘stronger’. How, I ask you. Sure I’m letting them love eachother, which is great. But I’m unhappy about it. I wanted control over the group, just like my private RP! I wanted to call the shots, and for the longest time.. there was never a problem. They were happy, I was happy!!
Fluffy, became a problem for me (wanting to do it with Blue, and not accepting what I want to do). That’s literally where it started. He assumed it was a poly, which I told him it wasn’t. But, now it is. So, he’s happy. …I’m not (even though I should be). I also wish Cola and Blue would find someone else to love (than me). I.. don’t deserve love. I deserve to be alone, like Ruffy. And yes, that is the depression talking. I want to leave the group. I want them to be happy.
Yet I bet they’re going to look at me and say “Benie, we aren’t happy when you aren’t. We want you to be happy too. We’re NOT going to leave you! We love you too much to leave.” And that is the way I should see it, instead of feeling sorry for myself. At least, this is all I got left to hope for.
.
To me, personally.. if I was to ever meet someone like Jero sometime in the future, I wouldn’t go for the chance.
…I’m much too old for an online relationship. That is something I have to accept.