Been a day since Cola confirmed what I started thinking that he might want to be more than just part of the group. And since it’s no longer a rumor in my mind, I felt it was time to tell Blue and Red. And their responses are.. a lot more supportive (to the point they say “Benie, don’t worry about us. Be with Cola. Don’t let this opportunity for true love that you’ve wanted since the start of the year, slip from your fingers.”
Yet deep down inside I feel…
It would go against everything the group stands for!!
..EXACTLY, random Tenor GIF image I saw when I was searching for “it feels wrong”!!
I feel like I need to go somewhere, and meditate for a good long time on this.
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Last night I got online to tell Blue (after playing Human: Fall Flat with Kovo and some other friends). But he was with Thresio.. mmm, bad timing then. Maybe tomorrow when I can get him alone. However my ‘window’ popped up at a inopportune time. Let’s just say something happened with me and Thresio that wasn’t pretty, and took me until now to get over that I see that it was my fault.
But anyway, I had to talk to Blue in DMs instead about what Cola said. Started with explaining what happened after my conversation with Cola (with Muum), and how I then started to feel that he might want to be more than just a member of the group. Gave him time for a Q&A session, where he felt “is it like he loves you yet doesnt want there to be a group?”
No no no, nothing like that! He’s fine with the group. Explained it to him, and now he gets it. Continued on, grabbing a few snips from the post I made a day ago (when he asked the difficult question of who would I pick if I was to make that difficult decision).
He said “that…woo i wouldnt know how to respond to that…”. No kidding! Went on with grabbing more snips of that post, all the way to where I said “That’s when I felt confident enough to give my honest answer. If I had to make this very tough decision..”, then looked at Blue and asked “…Would you like to know the answer?”
He said “you can tell me. trust me it wont change my view on you or anything”.
Alright. and told him. When I was done, I explained how Cola confirmed my
suspicions, but hoping I was completely wrong as I still love him and Red.
Blue said “i still love you too but…i will admit i have had my doubts about bein in a group as i felt…well i would be fighting the others for your love ya know and heh i guess i am battling cola for it hehe. also ill admit i did kinda start to feel something for cola in the past… part of me is reluctant as hell to say any of this at all ill admit”
Hold up. ‘also ill admit i did kinda start to feel something for cola in the past…‘
So.. you did have strong feelings for Cola. I wasn’t imagining it. I wasn’t stupid to assume it. And he did confirm he had romantic feelings for Cola, but his feelings for me are much stronger and he wants to be with me. That’s good, because you just saved yourself from being lower than Red.
Don’t leave important things from me (such as a once inter-group relationship)
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Today I told Red the same thing (and in the same way) I told Blue. He saw it
differently, saying “Well, if someone offers relationships – it’s not a bad idea to take a chance”. And when I said “I could never do that to you or Blue, it feels so wrong” as a response, he said “Hmm… You shouldn’t think this way. I won’t get offended.”
So, you’re OK with this…? That cannot be a good thing. But I can only picture what he originally told me (when I first had feelings for him). He said how his life is a mess, and he would never want to pass his burden to anyone he has a crush on. So it’s not to say he doesn’t care, he just wants me to be happy.
And so, that’s about it. How I hate it when my own words bite me in the tail, being so nice to Cola and mistakenly giving him the wrong idea that I would like him to be more than part of the group.
Need to meditate on this. And honestly, if it wasn’t for that world with those suggestive chairs.. being so outdated, I bet I would had picked Blue or Red.