Didn’t think this day would come, to be honest. I could only see our relationship getting stronger after that argument two days ago. But for some reason (just like before), it crashed and burned. And once again, Wuffer was keeping his feelings away from
me (when I have no problem giving them to him).
Remember when I said this a few days ago…?
During that time, I explained everything I said to myself; holding nothing back.. even mentioning about how I was ‘happy’ when Ballistic told me (and I told Lone). Finally ending by saying “honestly, I feel you should forget about me and seek out an actual gay person instead of a bi”. The reason I said that, is he seems to get ‘bi’ mixed with ‘gay’ (a bi person can like a girl or a guy).
He came back, asking in a concerned tone “you really want me to forget about you?” Stopped talking for just a bit, then sighed and said “Wuffer, I just want you to be happy.” He asks “why do you think I’m not happy?” I asked “are you truly happy with me, even from what happened before?”.. and he quickly said “Yes!!” Then I said I swear I will never lie to him again, that it was a mistake and it’ll never happen.
So today, something seemed off. He never once said “I love you” to me, and then he went in VRChat without ever asking me to join him. So I joined him in the room we hang out in. He said he was trying to invite moon_shadow (who now has VR) to the world, but he didn’t want to join. I suggested we go and see him, and it’s like he hesitated, but then left. Odd, but went anyway. Saw him in and we got to moon, who’s enjoying VR. Saw Wuffer walk away and do his own thing. Again, odd.
After moon started saying he’s lagging and he was going to go to The Box, I ran over and told Wuffer.. who didn’t at all seem interested in joining us. Said some things I didn’t quite hear as my earbuds are still dying on me, but I did hear “I’ll be right back”.. yet I noticed ‘hun’ wasn’t added to that.
Went to go hang out with moon, thinking Wuffer was going to be streaming (and I didn’t want to disturb him). Few friends joined us.
It’s now been a few hours and I’m starting to get worried why he’s not coming to say hi (as he said he only streams for an hour). I go to the world he’s in, my anxiety building to dangerous levels as I don’t see him anywhere, feeling like I did (or said) something wrong. Then he DMs me, saying “I need to talk to you in a bit”.
Oh. shit. That can only mean one thing– you’re dumping me (again). Fuck. My brain’s rattling trying to think of what the fuck I did or say to cause this. Went back to moon_shadow to tell him the grave news, he’s not in The Box anymore. Still
joined, couldn’t find him (didn’t really want to tell him with so many people there). Found this house in the middle of nowhere that has chair models (but no actual sitable
chairs), and ‘sat’ in one of them.. feeling anger and sorrow at the same time. Checked his status.. “Single Gay Wufo”. Pretty sure it’s confirmed now.
20 minutes passed, no explanation from Wuffer. Anger is building more of him holding back secrets from me. Eventually took off my headset and went into Discord, nearly wanting him to demand he answer me.
He does, telling me that “I think you were right” he should find a straight-up gay in his life.
You.. just told me you loved me two days ago!! I assumed we would NOT have a
problem! ..What the FUCK DID I DO to make you think this?! Again with the “it’s not your
fault” BS; doesn’t work for me (when it comes to relationships). We wouldn’t be having this conversation if you weren’t being bothered by something I said! And I’m pretty sure I know what. I told him when I was watching him play Wizard101, that the health of my father is deteriorating faster than before.
I made him uncomfortable of the thought he would have to take care of me for the rest of my life, might come sooner than expected (and saying how I’ve already told him the reason why I can’t really do anything to better myself). That and.. maybe he just doesn’t find me that interesting (yet he also said “just please dont overthink this as like some kind of betrayal or anything”). Too late for overthinking, pal. Stop sugarcoating it!! I’m fucking 15 years old (trapped in a 42 year old body)!
–
*after this part, it took me awhile until I finally calmed down* I really wish he never DM’d me to start this, then I wouldn’t be in this mess. But, he is extremely sorry for all of this. He’s sorry for working me up, and then bringing me down. But “I’m sorry” isn’t going to stop this thing with keeping secrets from me.. from happening again.
However, we’ll just stay as good friends. He promises (as friends) nothing will happen between us (aka I’ll still be able to watch him play Wizard101, and watch his stream). And
that, to me, is all I want. We don’t have to be lovers. Only reason I feel this now instead of then, things were much different.
As for myself (of dealing with my sadness), I’ll probably go back and hang with
Jusper (and maybe I’ll ‘get lucky’ and have another one night stand, to help with the stress).
—
Two more things before I wrap this post up and (maybe) get on VRChat.. because I’m still feeling a bit sad from this;
1. Re-canceled the order for the earbuds. It was about to ship, but this time (unlike the phone) I managed to successfully cancel it. I mean sure, I could had used it, but the purpose for getting it is gone (and it would only bring pain).
2. He’s going to be shipping that USB 3.0 expansion card to me (for my upgrade this month). $15 for it still. I mean yes it reminds me of him, but not in the same way (more like a friend thing instead of a lover thing).
.
In closing, I think we both got what we wanted. He now knows what he should be focusing on instead of me, and as for me… not sure if I did truly love him (or fake it just to make him happy). I don’t know how well things would had worked if we met IRL. All I felt was that I would ‘tolerate’ it.. and that’s not good.
As for my uncertain future (without Wuffer being there to “be my savior”), I can only pray it isn’t as grave as my mother put it. Maybe I would still have full access to the monthly checks ’till the day I die. It’s too early to tell what’s going to happen at this time (can only assume the worst).
Maybe I’ll learn how to drive, then fly to his state and surprise him by saying hi to him IRL. I’ll keep his address, just incase that ever happens (or he might do the same thing to me.. which my parents might not approve if they’re still alive).