2019 is turning into quite the interesting year for me in VRChat, with lots of highs and lows. Yesterday, was definitely a ‘high’ (at the time). Because I swear, it’s like high school all over again; having multiple crushes (but not being able to think of who to pick). It was awesome.
The reason I say ‘it was awesome’, all of the crushes I had were girls. This time… well, first it was Phox, then it’s blueberry, and now, it’s the creator of the Sunken Boi (who I assumed was a girl but is actually a guy).
So, um..
WHY.. can I not find a GIRL that likes me (and is of legal age)?! Why is it only guys?! Plus they all know I’m straight, and are OK with it. WTF kind of a world am I living in?!?!
Now I know God has no control over what you do in life, but I feel he ‘made a mistake’ and is ‘trying to correct it’ (of myself being straight), I should had been bi. The only thing that thankfully stops me (to restore some of my sanity), is I’m not into dicks. 😛
–
So, what happened that lead to this assumption that Muumiankka was female? It all had to do with joining Phox in a world made by another friend (from the Best Boi community era).
Muumiankka (who I’m going to shorten to ‘Muum’ as it’s easier to pronounce) was the first one there to greet me after I fully loaded in (and getting a really bad FPS). He showed me a few avatars he made, all of them were absolutely adorable, including this squirrel-like humanoid that eats lots of blueberries.
I tried my best to tolerate the 13-15 FPS (with over 15+ people in the room), until Phox said “this world sucks” and I agreed. Then he went to another world, so I asked Muum if he would like to follow us, and he nodded yes. So I tried to follow Phox… into an MMD world. And my computer still doesn’t like them. Had to go back to my home world in disgust, and told Phox in a DM. He told me “then just don’t go in an mmd world”. A bit rude even for him, but after inviting the two and then explaining what happened, Phox feels I just have something misaligned. He said the long delay comes from loading all the songs. Forgot about that. He’s right there.
Moving on, Muum’s showing us all of his avatars (while we show ours). He even let me try on a Best Boi skinned version of the Sunken Boi, and I absolutely loved it. I can see why the tail is adorable, how it spins like a helicopter blade when given the right movement.
Since then, I started to see him acting very strangely; showing he has colliders in the big ears to where he was looking fabulous. I think he was being attracted to all the nice things I was saying about his avatars. And this got progressively worse when Phox had to leave for the night, him licking me with his tongue.
Again… I thought this was a girl. If I knew this was a guy, I would had NEVER gone any further. But, I have to say the same about blueberry (and I still went further than I should had).
Since having to rewrite most of this (after finding out Muumiankka’s a guy), I can feel my stomach in knots as my feelings fight for ‘what is right’.. feeling happy, or …I, can’t think of the other (all I can feel is darkness and depression). And I don’t want to be depressed– not again.
I just can’t find the middle ground, of being happy yet also being alone (with no feeling I need to be loved).
–
All I know, is it’s like.. something (called ‘passion’) comes over me, blocking any negative feelings I have; speaking in a soothing tone: “it’s OK. Don’t worry. Just go with it. You’re
happy, they’re happy”.
Then after it happens and the person has to go for the night, my brain continues to feel happiness. The only time the happiness gets ruined, is my own stupidity of telling a close friend.. who says “dude, I thought you were straight.” Or “dude, you made out with a guy.”
. . .
Above, my negative emotions flooding in to remind me that I’m straight.
—-
So tell me, what can I possibly do to end this? I would ‘love’ to be able to reach into my brain and yank out the passion part of it. But then I would only feel hate towards
others (as passion can also control relationships with best friends). Feeling passionate is a feeling of caring for someone else other than yourself. It’s the feeling of wanting to help them out. Passion also controls defending my friends… and yes I’m having a one-sided conversation with my mind, body and soul right now.
Hell… I really want to blame Phox for all of this, for saying how people see it as being
gay, yet he claims it actually isn’t (that it’s “just affection”). But that affection comes with a hefty price tag of determining what is right and wrong in a relationship like
this.
But at the same time, I feel I still have control over what happens. One major form, is being able to draw the line when sex is involved (especially if you’re a guy and/or underaged). I will end the relationship right then and there, if you try.
—
In other relatable news, yesterday I also told blueberry how “I love you (as a friend)”. He asks “are you sure its just as a friend?”
OOF.
Told him that I didn’t want to get in the way of him and Wildboy. Then he told me something rather rude on Wildboy’s part, how he was planning to leave him “in a week or so”. What the fuck..?! But he says this is actually a good thing, with how he doesn’t “have to roleplay ever fucking day”.
After telling him I’m straight, he says “i could tell that”. Then I asked him if he has a problem with me being straight, he said “i dont see whats rong with that” (and then kisses me). He also took a picture of us, and showed he saved it as his desktop
background.
“Hoo boy, this guy is desperate” (my negative side says). But my passionate side says “I know I’m straight, but I love him so much!!” Because blueberry does more than Lunar ever did; we actually hang out as friends, by playing minigames or drawing in the Presentation Room.
And speaking of that room, the only good thing that really came from yesterday. He and a friend of his who was there, actually made doodles of my avatar’s face, and even my scalesona (on Red Boi’s hat). I even helped color in a few of them;
“DAMN BOI, he THICC!! That’s a THICC ASS BOI!!”
And that will be the last time I ever use the word ‘thicc’ on this website…
I love all of them! Thank you so much, they are awesome!!! 😀