Been getting a few emails asking what I meant from my latest post, of how my thoughts are no longer an issue. I tried my best to keep it a secret even from this website. But, before I say it, you must all promise that you will not tell anyone who would object to it. And I know several who would be reading this, and would object. But I can only say to them, nothing is going to stop me. Because, I was happy. And that’s what matters.
So, you all probably have an idea what I’m talking about. Myself and Lunar, that whole can of worms. See, when I had talked to Sparky that one time, it really made me think of what if… I could restart this with her (but without letting Kovo and Vale know). Would it even work? Would she agree to it? I had to find out, by sending her a heart-filled DM.
And my heart swelled with happiness when she said “I have an emotional connection to you”. She truly loves me! 😀 This is awesome!! That means, this isn’t desperation anymore! It’s actually true love! ..Or, so I thought at the time.
Because, he said how she still wanted to be friends. But I didn’t care; I just wanted to be close to her again, just until I actually find someone closer to my age.
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Yet something just didn’t feel right, and for the longest time it eluded me, but I went with it.
Finally, the truth came out later. I went to go see her in a world, and saw her with a guy who was talking quietly, and I could hear the passion in Lunar’s voice when he says “I love you” to him, and he says “I love you too”. That was the same passion I saw from Nappz and Azure. A sound of being madly inlove. And when they left, I could only feel emptiness as my heart shattered, in 50 billion pieces. I actually cried, for a good five minutes in VR. I felt like I was lied to. Did she just fucking use me like some kind of tissue, and throw me in the garbage when she met this guy?!
*dries up tears*… This was the feeling, that had eluded me. When we were together ingame earlier, she never said “I love you” to me.. only in Discord. So, I hope you saw the confusion I felt. But, she told me later, how she loves all of her friends the same way.. aka, her polyrelationship. However that’s not always the case. For she has said “I love you” to Kovo, but he has very high willpower (unlike myself).
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But let’s go back to this whole polyrelationship thing. What I was seeing infront of me, I originally thought (after speaking to the guy), that they all had succumbed to their desperation to love her (like I nearly did). Except, I wanted her all to myself. I wanted her to see, she doesn’t need a polyrelationship.
But the more I thought about it, this was never the case. She’s not even doing it for
herself; she’s actually helping them, who seem to be suffering from PTSD or some other major mental disorder. She’s making them feel loved. That’s what she said before, yet I just didn’t read between the lines (until now).
Plus, they are free to leave the circle whenever they want. It made me think of Lunar as a nurse, just trying to show them that someone loves them. They have noone, except her. So what she’s doing is really sweet of her. And since then, I felt nothing but conflicting feelings.
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Ultimately, I felt it was best to end this.. ‘relationship’ I had with her (and as I said at the beginning of this post, I ended it on my terms). As Kovo had said to me, I “have to be a better person”.. mentally. And overall, there was no relationship. It was me, being desperate. And her, ‘taking advantage’ of it for her polyrelationship.
So, you’d think this is it, and I can simply move on from this (just like the last time)?
Heh, I wish it was. Because I’m seeing more and more close friends who I talk to on a regular basis, becoming couples. Not getting ‘married’, but just becoming
couples.
…I have only a small handful of friends (who are single) left, that 100% support me. And I definitely don’t have Creepery anymore (who gave me the strength to live, last time), as either something bad happened to him in college, or is too busy studying to respond to his DMs. And even though I am a pessimist, I’m going to assume the latter (because I refuse to believe the former).
I would’ve had Kovo and Vale too, to support me.. but that’s out of the question. Plus, I know for for a fact Kovo wouldn’t know how to help (even if he supported me). Vale, 25% supports me. Though he shares Kovo’s feelings, he didn’t express them.
Someone else I know is also facing his own depression, but except of defeating
it for good (like I’m trying), he’s trying to bargain with it, hoping he will find the
one at a later date.
Now I’m not going to mention his name, but he’s a good friend of mine who helped me texture BenieTheDragon on a Dutchie. Though he’s gay (which I’m highly convinced they have more luck ‘getting lucky’ than straight furries), he also has dealt with
heartbreaks… even one almost similar to what I’ve gone through.
He told me he too was inlove with an underaged person. But, it went in territories that I would never allow (aka, the person wanted to move in with him). And he stopped it before it got any worse.
But he feels my pain, of desperately wanting to restart a love. He feels my pain of wanting to feel loved. He also understands what I had seen in Lunar; how she’s attractive and stuff like that.
.
This is going to be a very, very long time until I get to a point I feel I no longer need a girlfriend to feel loved. Though, it may also get to a point where I’m so fed up with feeling depressed, to stop playing VRChat completely, and play Rec Room instead; essentially dumping all of my friends and ‘restarting’ my virtual life, trying to make friends there.
Just like going from one MMO to another, but… never did I feel I absolutely have to leave because of a bad reputation with a few close friends.
What’s bad, is these friends don’t even know I restarted (after though I told them ‘it will never happen again’). Hell, before I leave, I feel I should tell them.