There’s a reason I haven’t been posting for awhile. I am still alive, as you can see. And as far as I know I still don’t have COVID.<\/p>\n
Dealing with issues on two fronts;
\n1. Blender after acting like he’s asking for my help when dealing with drama, and then tells me to “not bring it up” when the person causing drama shows up. Causing trust issues.
\n2. How I’m.. not either my mother’s son, or my father’s son (apparently), as I don’t act like either of them and just, honestly want to be LEFT ALONE.<\/p>\n
— Yesterday (in VRChat), me and him were in the CEC world (my first time there). Blender had gotten a comment in his latest video, saying the world is broken. The person wasn’t specific on what<\/em><\/strong> was broken with the world, so Blender went over nearly everything in the world. I didn’t see any issues on my end. I waited for Blender to speak up about Shaw’s harassment in DMs. Looked at him and motioned to him as if to say “go on hun. Let’s get this done.”\u00a0 Instead he kept avoiding it by talking about the CEC and stuff. ..What the HELL dude?! That’s twice you’ve done this to me! = I’m tired of being told “I dunno who you are, but you are NOT my son!!” I. don’t. CARE. I don’t even have a family anymore! But I am getting by. I have my online friends. I have my computer. I have a roof over my head. ..And yes I should also be saying “I have my mother”, but I never really treat her with respect. There’s a reason I haven’t been posting for awhile. I am still alive, as you can see. And as far as I know I still don’t have COVID. Dealing with issues on two fronts; 1. Blender after acting like he’s … Continue reading
\nI’ll discuss the first thing as it’s still ongoing. About a week ago, Blender tells me about something that happened with Shaw. I won’t mention what it was, but I went on with my life (with him). He was also very tired, so we ERP’d for him to get the sleep he needs, and he went to bed.
\nI went to go see Kovo in this Undertale themed world. Some guy with a slightly familiar voice came up to me, asking me if I remember them. I was perfectly honest when I didn’t. It was Brayden. Ah, alright. Then Kovo asked me how I was doing, and I said I was fine that Blender and I were talking about things.
\nBrayden got word of this and asked me “what’s going on with Blender? What did you guys talk about?” I’m thinking “dude, that’s not any of your business”. Kovo said “dude that’s up to Benie if he wants to say that”. Thank you Kovo. Brayden’s all “well I’m Blender’s guardian, it’s my right to know”. ..His ‘guardian’? Blender never told me this. I assumed myself, him and Orion are all<\/span> his guardians. Not a single person. But whatever. I told him what I know.
\nHappen to look over on my right.. and Shaw was there. “..Ohh, hi. I was.. uh, just talking about you.” Shaw asked “you’re talking about the [RETRACTED], right?” I said yes. He said he was upset at Blender for not telling me everything, as in the events that
\nhappened, was 10 years ago. Yet I felt this wasn’t that big of a deal.
\n–
\nLater that morning I was in bed, and Blender woke me up saying he was “terrified”. I asked him what happened, said Shaw messaged him and was upset with him. And it made him upset.
\nThe next day (in VRChat) he tells me Shaw “blacklisted” him. Ok, Shaw’s going too far. I need to do something. Yet Blender’s like “promise me you won’t tell him anything”.
\n…The fuck? Dude. You tell me this, and act like you need my help.. yet you won’t actually let me help you? This feels painful. Plus by saying that, it’s like you’re blaming me for this which is NOT cool. I was forced to talk by Brayden. He apologized for that, saying he wasn’t trying to say this.
\nNext thing he tells me, that Shaw wants to forget about this whole mess. ..He shouldn’t had even made it into a fucking mess in the first place! But, whatever. That’s good. Hopefully that’s that.<\/p>\n
\nWe’re in this back room with avatars. He then freezes, says he’s very nervous right now. I asked him what’s wrong, and he says Shaw messaged him and was really terrified. Huh? I don’t get it. I thought Shaw was willing to put this aside. He said Shaw claimed Blender was telling others, which he never did. ..Hun, we need to get Orion involved in this. This is wrong and we need to clear your name. Said he was scared, but also acted like he understood what I meant. I tried to have him put this aside while he tests the world, and he finally did.. for a bit.
\nHe tested the songs and the animatronic characters, making sure they work. Then he tells me two of his friends want to join him. The first one doesn’t say much, then drops a portal and says “this is my favorite world. You wanna come?” Uh, you didn’t even ask Blender if he wanted to go somewhere else, as he’s busy testing the world. But Blender wasn’t thinking at all by the time the second friend joined, and telling him to go through the portal. …Huh?? W–why did he go through the portal, when he knows he needs to bug test the world?
\nIt looked like all three of them went through it, but I stayed put.. feeling a bit disgusted at that one friend and talking to myself. Yet I also should had gone there to protect him. But I’m thinking that hopefully he’ll realize he made an error and rejoin me.
\nBlender’s second friend was still here with me. I asked him why didn’t he go through the portal, said he didn’t feel like it. I shrugged and didn’t know what to say afterwards.
\n–
\nAfter awhile, this person said I was “a very particular character”. ..Huh? He said I was very interesting. Okay. Thank you, I guess? The guy started getting closer to me, calling me a cutie and stuff. I appreciated the compliment and just went with it, feeling no harm and considering on friending the guy. I was still thinking about Blender, but I was really enjoying the cuddles. It’s like something came over me.
\nThen he suddenly left. Likely crashed. Went to go see Blender, as likely the guy wouldn’t be able to come back (without Blender being here) as this is an invite+ instance.
\n—
\nBlender said “..it took you this long to join?” I quickly responded with about that friend who dropped that portal and trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with Blender. Said he wasn’t thinking straight. I asked “it’s about Shaw about it?” His ears go down, so yes it was. I snuggled him, and telling him about the other friend who seemed like he was hitting on me. He felt bad about this too, saying his friend “probably gave you more affection than I ever can”.
\n…I’m not going to lie, it actually felt good (in an awkward way). Just the guy’s voice was a bit.. attracting and sweet, and I couldn’t get that off my mind. But, I told him “I’m staying true to you, Blender”. Yet it’s like I was doubting my own words, because that guy sounded like he was in his 30’s and seemed quite mature, and Blender is 20 and sometimes acts like a child. That’s.. a bit of an age gap and it made me think for awhile. But I tried to not let it bother me too much.
\nI calmed him down and we returned to the CEC, and tested every song. Noone else wanted to join, yet deep down inside I.. wanted to see that guy again. Something about him really interested me. But being close to Blender, helped to erase most of that.
\nSoon he had played every song and he found nothing wrong with the world, and believed the issue might be the commenter’s computer that was causing issues. At this time Blender was getting tired, but I still wanted to wait for Orion to get on.
\nBlender’s telling me that there was a challenge of staying in a Chuck E Cheese for a day and how stupid it was. Had a little fun with this and asked him “I wonder if anyone ever had sex in a Chuck E Cheese”. He said not that he heard of, and I said “well.. there’s always a first, if you get what I mean”.
\nHe did, and I asked him “only if you want to, that is”. He thought about it for awhile and and said “it would help me to wake up”. Then pointed at me and said “Challenge accepted”. …And then I got c$%@ blocked by Shaw wanting to join us. Ok, so the ERP is going to have to wait. Bring him here, and let me do the talking hun. I’ll take care of this mess. But Blender grabbed my muzzle as to shut me up and said “if I can’t handle it, I’ll let you”. Deal. As long as you get this done, hun. That’s all I care about.
\nIt took Shaw three times until he finally joined the world (and stayed). Blender now believes this is what the commenter meant by the world is ‘broken’. Shaw explained the situation to me that it’s the likely scenario.<\/p>\n
\nShaw drops a portal of the upcoming CEC he’s working on. I step in first, hoping to be there before Shaw does. Go up to Blender and say “I guess he’s letting this go then?” He says “don’t say anything”.
\nOk. Deal. I won’t. say. anything<\/span>… for the rest of the morning. Prop my legs up on my bed to give my back a rest, and watch the show. Blender comes up to me and asks “are you ok Benie?” I say nothing. He knew I wasn’t happy with him. It’s getting close to 5am and he heads to bed. I leave without a word, then start messaging him on my phone about very unhappy I am with him.
\nTwice you’ve done this. Do you not realize how much it hurts when I’m unable to defend you? You’re making me regret saying I wanna stay loyal and try to find that sweet friend of yours.
\nHe wants to fix this. He wants to keep dating.. but he doesn’t know how to tell his brain to stop blocking help. Keeps saying he “doesn’t want to cause drama”. …So you’re just going to allow Shaw to do that to you? You’re just going to allow everyone to walk all over you?
\nNot on my watch!<\/p>\n
\nLook, I dunno if even telling him this is the right thing to do. I need to talk to someone for advice. Someone I can trust that isn’t going to go behind my back and tell Shaw about this. And that someone was Kovo. He told me to not force the change on him, that if he doesn’t want to be helped I got to change to not help him.
\nI tried that but I felt bad for him, and pondered if I should ask Shaw in DMs. So I did and after a few confusing moments (confusing him by accident), I got my answer. I’m not going to say the name, but an individual that I know who was involved in this, tried to start shit with Blender. Reasons unknown. But they’ve been dealt with by Shaw. Very good. That’ll teach them to mess with Blender.
\nI told Blender the good news. He feels relieved, but I still felt a bit annoyed at him for not trusting me. I know he’s scared, but.. *sighs* we’re never going to become official if we can’t fully trust eachother. He understands this and he apologizes for doubting I can handle this …the fact he even had doubts in my words is disturbing. But, I’ll let it go only if doesn’t happen again. Because if it does, I’m sorry but… yeah. I kind of want to say this but I also don’t as he doesn’t need that pressure weighed down on him. I did that to Fluffy and that was a mistake.
\nBecause it’s not just trust issues, it’s him being so scared of offending people to the point that he refuses to even take the chance. There are friends he has that he’s so scared he’ll say the wrong thing and offend him, and he seriously needs to get over this. Even Shaw agrees with me and finds this annoying.
\n==============================================================
\nAnd now for the second thing. 3-4 days ago, I’m doing my thing and one of my father’s friends comes over unexpectingly. I wave hi, minding the 6FT social distancing rule. He asks me how I’m doing and told him I was fine and stuff like that. Then my mother asks him if he wants to go outside and talk as it’s a nice day, and the two do. I go back to my computer.
\nThe next day, my mother tells me the friend wasn’t too happy with me. The fuck did I do? I was minding my own business. ..That’s the problem, apparently. It reminds me of all of those family sitcoms when a family member their kids don’t really wanna see comes over and they prefer to stay in their room instead of coming down and being part of the family. Except I didn’t mind the friend, especially what he’s done for us. But he minds me not being out there to talk to. To the point the friend told her “he’s not your husband’s son”.
\n*sighs deeply*<\/em> Look, I can’t help that I’m 70% Introvert. And do I seriously have to be someone I’m not?
\nPlus I have nothing that isn’t computer related to say. All of my friends are online. I have no IRL friends, and I’m fine with it. Yet he expects me to act like my father. ..WHY?! I am noone but myself!! Why can’t you get that into your skull?! I am sorry I’m not what you expect, but don’t guilt trip me! ..Yet I already felt guilt tripped and I said “if he comes back and stays in here, I’ll just tell him the truth.”<\/p>\n
\nDepresses me I’m the way I am.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"