Hey all, got a rather short, single entry for news for you. Something that’s been bugging me for awhile, that will likely kill two birds with one stone.
\n2020 came in, a near year of new opportunities for all of us. I was going to try to get my driver’s license this year (just so I could visit BlueBio)… and once again, another New Years Resolution that never came true. Once again it was just me sitting infront of my computer, getting more and more obese (and working up to a higher risk of Type 2 Diabetes) with my lazy lifestyle of not wanting to be bothered by real life.
\nWith the group disbanded because of Cola’s actions, I tried chilling with friends I haven’t in awhile. One of them introduced me to this world with inflatables– pool toy-like avatars. Found ones that looked kind of like dragons and grabbed the red one.
\nWent to go chill with Scooby, and that’s when I met -Stray-…. who, just a few days
\nlater, who indirectly brought someone I swear I would never have another chance to be truly happy with, back to me. Though it was more of the lines of joining the world he’s
\nin, and bumping into.. Jero.
\nNew year, new chance to make things right is what he wants, and I was extremely happy when he called me his BF infront of Kovo. This completely made up from what ruined it.
\n–
\nJero and I have been together since then, and with September in literally less than 24 hours away, that means we’ve been a thing for just under 9 months now; the longest I ever had a relationship.
\nWe’ve had our shortcomings, most I’ve forgotten what we were even doing that caused us to very temporarily break up. …However, this latest one (of my own feelings), could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. I keep fighting these feelings (going by what he has posted in Kovo’s Discord). But what he’s posting to me directly, is conflicting with
\nhis ‘love’ to me.
\nIt isn’t really the fact he’s no longer saying “I love you” or asking me if I’m doing alright. None of those. It’s something, he said that’s been bugging me.<\/p>\n
Three weeks ago, I see him coming online in VRChat. As usual (as in my mind I got to be with the one I love as much as possible), I quickly get in VR and try to join him. He never invited me, and logs off later. That right there was a big red flag, but I tried to contain myself saying “he was probably super tired and fell asleep infront of his laptop.” Instead I tried to hang with friends I haven’t seen awhile. 4am rolled in and I debated if I should just go to bed as nothing was really going on. He says, how this is the same thing of why him and Chris broke up.. now I feel bad, and trying to deescalate the situation. But he keeps going, saying “if there’s someone who makes u happier than i can dont think about me its your life” and “u have to help yourself before others, put yourself first”. Yet I can’t help but wonder about when he said how this was “the only thing” that’s keeping him going. ..Is it just me? Have I been looking at this all wrong? Was Fluffy right when he once had in his status: “VR relationships aren’t true love”? ..That the only way I’ll truly know I love him (and he loves me) is to meet him IRL, to live a day with him? . =============== Hey all, got a rather short, single entry for news for you. Something that’s been bugging me for awhile, that will likely kill two birds with one stone. 2020 came in, a near year of new opportunities for all of … Continue reading
\nTimber pops into the world. Recently, him and his RL GF got married in VR (and probably in RL as well). We chilled and talked for awhile, then he asked me how’s Jero doing. Said he’s doing alright and just having to work a lot.
\nThen he asked me if me and him are a thing. …What an odd question, after what you said as your vow to your GF during your wedding; how she’s “always been there” for him and how the two are just perfect for eachother. Him asking this, only further increased my doubt of myself…
\nJust how much do I love Jero? What do I truly love about him, IRL (not in VRChat)? Honestly, I dunno, because I don’t know what he’s like IRL (apart from what he tells me). It’s been nearly 9 months, surely by now I should know everything about him, right…? So why can’t I give a convincing (to myself) answer, besides “his voice”?
\nAnd what the heck does he even love about me<\/em>? I’ve tried to be as open as I can, but he keeps bouncing back shrugging off all of these ‘red flag’ blows? Is this a good thing? ….Or is he saying all of this just to make me happy?
\nFor trying to love and appreciate the person behind the avatar, I questioned it since their wedding. I answered Timber with “yeah” in an unsure answer.
\n—
\nThe next day, sure enough Jero did fall asleep. He tried to go see Timber’s GF, but fell asleep in VR. I felt really concerned for him, as that’s normal for a BF (feeling he’s working himself to death). He tells me as a way to escape his life for awhile, and it’s an understandable reason.., but I’m still worried if it’s even worth killing himself by working too hard.
\nSaid he “doesn’t have a choice”, referencing it to COVID and saying this would possibly be his last chance to do this. Plus he also sees work as a getaway from his hellish life. A bit of a reverse from what most people say, but also completely understandable!
\nHe appreciated my concerns for his health, then he said…
\n“its the only thing i have to keep me going<\/strong> for now“<\/strong>
\nThe only thing, you have, to keep you going. \u0ca0_\u0ca0 …What about ME, Jero? What about, my love?! Wouldn’t this be something else you have to keep you going?! And his response
\nwas “you mean a lot to me too : )”, also saying he’s “so tired” and “not thinking straight”. *sigh*<\/em> Alright, I’ll let it slide. Yet it still bugged me, so I questioned “And how much<\/span> do I mean to you? Because you mean the world to me.”
\nAgain, “I’m very tired” and “you mean a lot to me too : )” …WHY do I not believe you?? Yes you work, but… ugh. I dunno if I should believe you or not! It’s understandable that you’re tired, but I just got to fucking know! This kept going through my mind. I told myself not to ask him….. I asked him anyway, explaining how disrespectful this is and sincerely apologizing in advance if this hurts him, and told him what Timber said.
\nHe suddenly went a bit offensive, saying “benie you mean a lot to me but if your not sure about us or if theres someone else then its ok, we can be friends”. …You’re, not even, trying to keep this relationship alive. Why? Is it from you being too tired to think? Or is this how you actually are…? Is this the real you, Jero? Is it?<\/p>\n
\nI keep trying to defuse the situation, saying “I still love you, so much. And I seriously doubt anyone would make me any happier.”, but it’s not helping as he gets progressively worse with his words, going dark. Saying he’s learned from VR relationships that they only love him “because of my voice”.. oof, that and they think he’s so happy but stop caring when they learn to know him as a person.
\nI explain to him that I still love the person behind the avatar. He just keeps getting
\nworse, now saying there’s been racial profiling, and also seeing it IRL too.
\nThis gets to a point where he’s all “maybe I should act like a stereotypical black guy” (him not saying this but something similar).
\nJero… Jero please stop. Looking back at this, this is something I must accept. Yeah, he can’t always be there, but I have to be the one that is different than all the others that have VR dated him. …Hell, I literally told him to “not worry about me” when one time he said he was going to work full time and probably not see me as much, yet he was also “no this is not what I want, I want to be with you”.
\nApparently, RL (and COVID), he was forced to work full time (why he said he “has no choice”). …Yet what about all the times I want him to be on and all I got is the.. well, avatar-sized version of him as a doll? I can’t go to a public place or even to a Friends+ instance of Stray’s Theater with that out, and most of them giving me bad looks.
\nI mean maybe they’ll understand the fact he works hard and this is the only way he can ‘be here’.<\/p>\n
\nPerhaps so. All of this thought of “cheating” and stuff, it truly isn’t unless it’s an IRL relationship.
\nIf you were to ask me “does Jero make you happy?”, I would immediately say “yes” without a second thought. But if you were to ask me “how<\/em><\/span> does Jero make you happy?”… that would be a tough answer (that wouldn’t separate him of what would be considered as
\na ‘very close friend’).
\nAnd THAT is why I’m typing this blog post. Would we be better off as<\/strong><\/em> friends? Would it help Jero, or cause him to be overly depressed of how alone he feels? …Is there even a relationship of love between us, or has it always only been just a ‘really close friendship’?
\nHave I been lying to myself all of this time, that he’s ‘the one’? At times I feel this. Meeting Jero and asking him to be my BF probably wasn’t love as first sight, but desperation to be loved.
\nWell, I got love. Yet why am I making this ridiculously long blog post? Because I don’t know anyone that truly knows Jero. Scooby agreed with me with the doubts, but he doesn’t truly know Jero.. only from the bad side with the whole money thing.
\nThe only one that knows Jero, is himself (and obviously his family). And I am willing, if there’s a god-given miracle to visit him IRL, to know all about him. Then and only then will I know if I was right or wrong, for saying he’s ‘the one’. Then and only then, will love truly happen.
\nYou can say “I love you” 20 billion times, but you can still feel unsure if you truly mean
\nit (unless you say it to their face).<\/p>\n
\nIt really stinks this is what it boils down to, but that’s the truth. There’s love, but you never know if both of you truly love eachother until you two meet IRL. I’m sure it’s like, meeting eachother all over again.<\/p>\n
\nUpdate (9\/4\/20):<\/strong> I finally opened up to him. Started with what he said about working full time and him not wanting to do that as he’ll never see me. Overall I tried my best to convince him that if this relationship ends.. it’ll be on him<\/span> for the lack of communication.
\nI also referenced Scooby, in the form of when I told him about the doubts. Surprisingly, he responded…… but it wasn’t in the way I expected (at all). He got really, really<\/strong><\/em> upset at me for even bringing up Scooby’s name.. and I saw why– I made a huge error for not explaining the whole Scooby thing in detail. He assumed I recently talked to Scooby and was on “his side”… which wasn’t the reason I referenced him (at all).
\nWhat I was trying<\/em> to reference, happened a long time ago when Jero was still dating Chris. When I told Scooby about my doubts with Jero, he agreed with me on that.
\nI tried my best to explain that I never intended to cause him pain, and it was a complete accident on my part for not properly explaining the situation. Said he got over it, but I still don’t feel he has fully forgiven me. I just.. need to be more careful in the future.
\nHonestly though, it’s kind of childish of him to still hold a grudge for something that happened over a year ago. Yes, Scooby wronged you and that was wrong of him, but you should not had gone ballistic when I said that. It happened over a year ago.. let it go.
\n–
\nMoving on, he said he’s really sorry for always being tired from working and wasn’t trying to ghost me. I believe him, and appreciate his honesty. I now know what he’s working towards, and again it’s understandable.
\nI am very relieved we don’t have to end the relationship because of this. Glad he communicated with me. So as of now, our relationship is still active. But he warns he likely won’t be able to talk to me for who knows how long until maybe he’s able to do what he wants to do. But I’m sure he’s going to have to work even after he gets what he wants done.
\nBut at least the doubts of this are gone.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"