{"id":8015,"date":"2020-06-17T21:35:47","date_gmt":"2020-06-18T01:35:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/?p=8015"},"modified":"2020-06-18T04:19:05","modified_gmt":"2020-06-18T08:19:05","slug":"a-moody-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/2020\/06\/17\/a-moody-me\/","title":{"rendered":"A moody me"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Tryptophan
\nWhat is a ‘mood’? A feeling of sadness. A feeling of happiness. A feeling of frustration. A feeling of doubt (of myself).
\nWith me, it’s one of those things musicians used to use that has that big arm, which swings right to left. It’s when I can suddenly change from being happy to feeling frustrated on a dime.. and how hard it is to get off of that ‘frustrated’ mood.
\nThat device keeps ticking back and forth, cycling my many moods. And right now it’s not pointing at ‘happy’… it keeps switching between ‘depressed’, ‘angry’, and ‘frustrated’; when I want to snap at anyone over my lack of understanding the ‘joy’ of learning new
\nthings, and<\/em> feeling “this isn’t going to work out” with Jero (yet not wanting to break his heart).
\n—
\nBut first, I want to switch gears and talk about something else (before I talk about gaming-related things that technically have no business being in here, but also aren’t full-on gaming). And that, is apparently I’m now an unofficial kitten owner. Yes, you heard right. I have a kitten in my room that I’m responsible for. …I never asked for this, though. I want my normal life back.
\nThis is what it looked like sometime after it ‘arrived here’;
\n
\nUsed to have a blue bow around its neck (but we since snipped it off), so it’s to be assumed it’s a he. But then again we aren’t fully sure. But before he unfortunately came into our lives, I was dealing with more parental issues.
\nThe night before the kitten showed up, we were discussing replacing a broken window my mother caused by mistake of the day one of my father’s friends decided to help clean our gutters. Was infront of my computer as normal, when I heard the sound of breaking glass coming from the window above my bed. Mother was to throw a broom handle up the
\nroof, but missed and it hit my window instead…
\nAnyway, at 9am I’m being yelled at by both of them (especially by father), who’s saying he’s tired of me “sleeping all day” and puts a curfew on my head of 11pm that I have to go to bed.
\nI’m trying to convince mother that “I’m not a kid anymore! I can go to bed whenever I want to!”… but I don’t have a leg to stand on when I’m still living under their roof. ..FUCK this made me so angered and frustrated as I’m trying to think while in the utility room.
\n–
\nSuddenly I hear a knock on the back door. Turn around and see a woman with a kitten in her hands, asking me “is this your cat?” Uhhh… please hold and I’ll be right back with you.
\nI run back and tell mother, who’s all “..oh no”. I never told her at the time what the woman was asking me about, only “there’s someone at the back door that has a kitten!” My mind was freaking out.
\nWent back to my room, hearing the woman and mother talking. I was hoping mother would say “no, we don’t want another cat. I’m sorry” (as she has gone through so much pain losing multiple cats over the years). Instead, she opens up the door and I see the kitten in her hands. …You didn’t say no?! She tells me to watch it while she gets some
\nfood, saying it’s “starving to death”. Later, after the kitten now has lots of food and
\nwater, she tells me that this woman found the kitten near the garbage bins in the parking lot near us.
\nYet she regrets accepting the kitten, wishing why this mysterious woman didn’t decide to take care of the kitten herself. And honestly, she’s right there. The woman seemed to have changed her story between myself and my mother.. and I have a theory SHE is the one that left that kitten there and then tries to put it on us after seeing we have cats.
\nIt just seems awfully suspicious why she never offered to leave her contact info with my mother (incase the owner decided they wanted it back).
\nBut anyways, the kitten (who I named ‘Shadow’) is healthy and doing well. \ud83d\ude3a
\n
\nHe likes running around my room, playing with the toys we bought him (also likes playing with my fingers). He also likes hiding in spots I’m afraid he’ll get trapped in. And so, that’s about it for him.
\n=========================================<\/p>\n

Now I will go over a few VRChat-related things. First off, I have access to Kovo’s ‘Furry Village’ world. Remember before when I said how I was going to extend the date that Jero and I got virtually married, because of Kovo’s world? Well I had ‘found’ the issue that has been plaguing it for a very long time… it was the Shaggy, using only 1% of his power to destroy anyone trying to join the world.
\nBut how I<\/em> fixed it was removing all NPCs from the world.
\nSince then I fixed long-lasting bugs with the world, and managed to
\nin the process of having two polls going on in the Mystery Skulls Discord server. The first poll is if I should add things to ‘clean’ the world, and the second is if the community wants NPCs back (minus the Shaggy one of course).
\n–
\nNow then, it was in VRChat when I was with Blue and Wufy (they’re a couple now) and I was talking about Monster Hunter: World (how it’s a grindfest of what I’ve seen). Blue tells me it’s not and how you’re given armor that will get you through the entire game. Interesting. Kovo tries to sweeten things up, making it even more interesting.
\nThen Blue does something that I swear he wishes he didn’t (for his sanity)– offering Kovo and myself a chance to play this VR game called ‘A Township Tale’. It’s a game that Blue claims you can play with friends and do professions to run the town. I was on the fence of if it was worth getting into this game (as I don’t feel much of a gamer as I was in the past). Plus I felt rushed by Kovo. Blue on the other hand was all “if you guys are interested, you can go here.”
\nYet everytime when I was thinking to try the game, Wufy kept deterring me from doing so. What happened to ‘encouraging’ one to try out a game? Yet I have to forgive Wufy for what he’s gone through in the past (not as nice). But I did eventually decide to try it out.
\nI won’t go over what I felt about the controls, but I kind of liked the core of the game. ..What I wasn’t told is how ridiculously large of a group you need to progress in it; where it literally forces you to play with others. When Blue told me how it can “take a month” to build a bridge, I assumed it was the crafting aspect (like Wurm is with its number grinding core of skilling).
\nNoooo… no no no. Nothing like that. You have the ‘skill’, yes.. but it’s based on YOU, in VR, if you can do the skill. If your arms can handle repeated movements (aka being able to do a bunch of songs in Beat Saber with no sweat), you’re skilled enough to handle Mining and Woodcutting\/Carpentry. The force of your swing (IRL) determines the success
\nrate, and your ‘Stamina bar’. It’s cruel, yet also beautiful at the same time.
\nWurm Online in VR, much? …If only this early alpha game allowed you to start a town with a small group (of 2-4 VR players), because THIS is what made me quit. We weren’t really progressing when most of the time it was just myself and Kovo.
\n—
\nAnd here’s where it has gotten ‘ugly’… Kovo doesn’t seem to care that you need a really large group to progress! Claims he’s played a game similar to this, and completed it. Wufy has tried convincing him to get rid of that mindset for this game, but to no avail. And
\nnow, I have given up as well. And Kovo felt I was mad at him.
\nEven more so, now that I have Monster Hunter: World. See, Kovo made a deal with me to get a private server for the previous game (which costs $9.95 a month, but gives you other supporter benefits) and he will buy me a game. Feeling pressured to make a decision (I could feel he really wanted that server), I chose Monster Hunter World.
\nAnd this game, it’s on desktop. Though I was pissed off how it lacked the ability to customize your keybinds.. every single one of them showed as ‘invalid’ and wouldn’t let me overwrite the defaults. Yet since then I felt I wasn’t being fair to the game, and decided to give it another chance. Glad I did. Also Kovo told me I could use my Nintendo Switch Pro controller (since my computer doesn’t like my easily breakable PS4 controller).
\nSince then, that’s what I’ve been doing. Only problem is trying to memorize the buttons in my head (much like typing class back in school, that I’m so glad I took). I literally don’t know how<\/em> I remember which key is what when I type.. I just ‘do’. Weeks of practice I guess.<\/p>\n

But that problem is just with the controller.. there are problems with the game too. And that is how it makes me kind of upset I still know so little with this game (as the game throws so much at you (at such an early game) and expects you to instantly know what they are and how to use them).
\nThough I did find my weapon of choice (the Light Bowgun.. SOO much better than the Bow as there isn’t any combo moves I must learn).. yet I hope and PRAY I can stick with this weapon through the rest of the game.
\n–The weapon upgrade screen makes me so clueless. It looks like a traditional tier-based system, but there’s multiple other ways to upgrade that the majority are all locked to me. I guess I’m not high enough with my Hunter rank to unlock them…? \ud83e\udd37\u200d\u2642\ufe0f I don’t fucking know! If someone could clear this up, that would be awesome.
\n–What the hell are ‘Kinsects’?
\n…And then there’s the coup-de-grace of why I’m no longer playing it (even though I kind of know what to do, for the first part). A side quest of capturing one of the bird-like monsters that can pick up rocks. Kovo tried showing me how to make a trap, but it ended up with confusion and frustration. Felt I wasn’t really learning<\/span> anything, just “go here, go
\nthere, click that” is all I heard from him. Then we enter free roam and he’s telling me to get this and that to replenish my special ammo types for the gun. Again, more confusion and frustration.. at the time at least. I then looked carefully at the ammo types and started understanding after that point.
\nThen came when he’s telling me about how you can go back to the main hub world and cultivate these plants to make more. Simple enough..? Hell no. From what I
\nunderstand, certain plants require you to complete a certain number of quests until they become available. Personally I’d rather wait an X amount of hours or days until they’re ready. Then I’m hearing about ‘brackets’ and stuff and… WHY IS IT SO COMPLICATED?!
\nKovo has turned his back on me for any more help, telling me to look online (saying he doesn’t know). …How in the fuck, with how long you’ve been playing this game?! He also claims he’s “used to the old system”, yet this system has been a thing since 2018… two years, Kovo. Two years, and you claim you don’t know any of this?!?! What the FUCK happened to encouraging me to keep trying?! I don’t want to be my own fucking encouragement when I have such low self esteem!
\n======================<\/p>\n

And finally… it’s time to talk about Jero (and why I’m no longer interested in joining VRChat even with the doll). I. am. TIRED of him disappearing for a week, then promising he’ll “be more active”.. and then disappearing again! I’m tired of the broken promises! Hell, I wanted to name my kitten “Jero” (as just like him, he disappears and only reappears later on, then disappears again).
\nThis has put a sour taste in my mouth for the doll. I don’t want to love a doll for WEEKS! I want to love YOU, Jero! The REAL you!! The doll is only supposed to replace you for a few days, not weeks<\/strong>! What the hell happened, that made him do this? Ever since that conversation with Avaris and Wufy, he’s been pulling this shit (yet claims it has nothing to do with this).
\nI did find out he’s working again, yet even with this part time job, it feels like full time with how he’s rarely on (even on Steam). And this is what kicks me, folks. A few weeks ago, he tells me how he could work full time yet he would never see me again (due to his job). I told him that he should focus on the money and not me, but he says before he met me, he was working full time and wasn’t happy (saying it made him consider suicide).
\nI thought “so does this mean you’ll actually be on more often and can play VRChat with me?” …Nope. Claims I give him a reason to live, yet I rarely see him. And when I do, he never says “I love you” before he goes to bed; he always falls asleep on his laptop (which is kind of cute, not gonna lie).
\n…I honestly don’t know how to tell him that I’m unhappy with this. Just, when he worked before, he still had time to come on VRChat and chill with me. So, this could<\/em> be a full time job. Yet what does he need the money for?
\nPlus, you know… timezones suck. \ud83d\ude1b Him being 5 hours ahead of me (living near the capital of the UK), doesn’t help the situation. Yet what if he got his old job back for a specific purpose (that he might be keeping secret from me)?
\n…Like, getting me a plane ticket to visit him? Or getting himself one to visit me?
\nYet it will be forever an unreachable dream, and no screaming from Colin Kappernick is going to change that. …Why? Simple. There’s one thing that stops me.
\nMYSELF.<\/strong><\/em>
\n\"You
\nIn order to make this into a reality, I have to;
\n-Drop SSI money.
\n-Get an actual job.
\n-Move out.
\nJero can do it.. I cannot. My parents would likely kick me out (with my computer) if they found out I have a boyfriend (especially of color).. especially if he decided to visit me with them here. The only way to completely avoid this, is to leave the house (forever). And the reason why I have to drop SSI, is I’ll be ‘too smart’ and them seeing I’m willing to work. Hell, there’s a chance this could happen anyway<\/span> with a new policy in place by Trump. Friday (literally the same day the kitten ‘arrived’), we got a letter from SSI demanding to know why I’m unable to work… they could easily cut me off if they feel I’m just being lazy. That’s a scary thought. I pray THIS one doesn’t come to fruition (or I’m in deep<\/strong> trouble).
\nIf they don’t accept that a few decades ago I had my county’s judge rule in favor of me that I am incapable of working, I will be forced to stop all my bills.. being unable to pay them anymore. No more Discord. No more internet… no more Jero<\/em>. \ud83d\ude41
\nHopefully I’ll be able to get a lawyer, fight it in the courts again, and win it back. But let’s just assume they will<\/em> accept and everything will be fine (I’ll get next month’s check no problem).. well there’s still a problem of not being able to leave the U.S (especially on my own). Jero would have to come here, and it would have to be done without my parents being around.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What is a ‘mood’? A feeling of sadness. A feeling of happiness. A feeling of frustration. A feeling of doubt (of myself). With me, it’s one of those things musicians used to use that has that big arm, which swings … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[22,25,26,2,23],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-8015","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-computing","category-drama","category-love-drama","category-personal","category-politics"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8015","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8015"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8015\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":8017,"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8015\/revisions\/8017"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8015"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8015"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8015"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}