{"id":7994,"date":"2020-05-14T12:13:22","date_gmt":"2020-05-14T16:13:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/?p=7994"},"modified":"2020-05-14T13:37:34","modified_gmt":"2020-05-14T17:37:34","slug":"nothing-will-change-why-it-means-different-to-me-than-him","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/2020\/05\/14\/nothing-will-change-why-it-means-different-to-me-than-him\/","title":{"rendered":"“Nothing will change”– why it means different to me than him"},"content":{"rendered":"

“Nothing will change” he has said in the past. “Nothing will change” he has said yesterday. But I cannot think the way he does. He sees the term as really close friends who can still love (without attaching the word ‘Boyfriend’ or ‘Girlfriend’). …I do not.
\n–
\nYou could consider myself.. “spoiled by love”; where it feels like a requirement to me of feeling loved more than just friendship. And I realize, this is not the way I should be thinking… that I should see ‘love’ in the form of friends and family too.
\nYet I do not<\/span>. I never<\/strong> felt ‘love’ with friends and family (even when I didn’t desire a relationship). There is no ‘love’. To me, it feels “they’re just friends; people online that I hang out with. Nothing more, nothing less”.
\nTo feel ‘love’ from that, I cannot. That ‘love’, feels… fake to me, even from true friends. Even from the way he wanted to be friends with me. Love is not love, unless it is shared with a partner for the rest of your life. And as much as he feels this, I will continue to feel it differently. Ergo, why I can’t really handle breakups well (unless I’m the one doing
\nit).
\nTo get over such thinking, no-one can tell me differently. Only I can do so. Only I can change my mindset. And my mindset, just like everything else.. refuses change.
\n—
\nAnd we actually did (briefly) break up, with him promising “nothing will change”.. yet being against me wanting to lie to my friends saying everything’s fine (so they won’t feel sorry for me)– claiming this would ‘hurt’ me.
\nNot having him dating me, hurts even more. You cannot say “nothing will change” when it means nothing to me. The core, is him dating me. When that stops, EVERYTHING changes. It feels nothing more than you leaving me, forever. That, is what it feels to me. Even when you’re not physically leaving me, mentally you are.
\nI guess this proves I don’t deserve to be in a relationship when I cannot handle breakups. It’s the equivalent of taking a gun to their head and saying “don’t leave me”. …That is my mental thinking.
\nIt is not good thinking, but this is what the obsession to be in a relationship has done to me. I do not know how to stop thinking like this, to be OK if things don’t work out. To
\nbe.. ok with just being friends.<\/p>\n

But luckily for me, the issue plaguing him was easy to fix (and we’re dating again). He felt pressured since that night to be something he’s not.. because of my friends ‘expecting’ him to be a loyal partner. Personally I didn’t see it, or felt it. What I saw, were my friends protecting me. But also making sure that I use self-control.
\nBut what that was doing, was literally the same doubts I’ve felt for awhile; “am I good enough for him? Would I be better off without him in my life? Would he be happy?” When I discovered this, I jumped to his defense. It is as I said in the previous post of “if you cannot accept who your partner is, even with his flaws.. then you should look for someone else.”
\nI did<\/em> accept.. not just to save my mind from months of depression (even though he
\nclaims “nothing will change” and it feels like a lie to me), but to save him from feeling he has to be someone he’s not (to make me happy). He’s done a lot of bad things in the past and isn’t proud of them …I have too, but that isn’t going to make me feel any less of
\nhim.
\nBut even the fact we’re dating again, it isn’t solving the problem. It’s only putting a bandaid over it, and eventually that bandaid won’t be able to stick anymore.
\nMaybe, have him prove his saying for a week. Prove to me of this “nothing will change” saying. Let’s just temporarily stop dating for a week, and see how it goes. If he’s able to convince me I’ll feel the same love without needing the ‘boyfriend’ tag, then he would be the one that would finally rid me of this bad thinking.
\nBut, if I’m… ‘right’, that the term means nothing to me (nomatter how hard he tries to prove his point)… what is he going to do in exchange? The only thing he’ll see is how fucking selfish I am to not just appreciate him being there. My mindset of this is much more deep than trying to keep a relationship– it’s a failure to appreciate, to accept what I have in life. Others are able to do so, I cannot.. as it’s all been handed to me. I’m a spoiled brat.
\n..THAT is why I think the way I do. Nothing has truly been taken from me, to appreciate what I have. That will likely change as I get older, and realize the cushy life I live will turn upside down quite quickly. All it will take, is my father dying for everything to go wrong.<\/p>\n

That, is why I don’t feel I deserve friends, or a relationship. That, is why I deserve to be alone. No matter how many times he claims “nothing will change”, it will mean nothing to me. I do not want friends with benefits. I want, to feel loved in a specific way (even when it’s the wrong way). I don’t know how many times I have said that to friends who are just trying to help… like Jero is.
\nI seriously doubt he feels the way I did. I don’t know anyone on this planet who has a similar mindset, who can feel my pain and maybe help me get over it. Some friends claim they are similar, but I don’t believe it. They’re just saying that to put me in a false sense of security.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

“Nothing will change” he has said in the past. “Nothing will change” he has said yesterday. But I cannot think the way he does. He sees the term as really close friends who can still love (without attaching the word … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[25,26,2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7994","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-drama","category-love-drama","category-personal"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7994","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7994"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7994\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7995,"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7994\/revisions\/7995"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7994"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7994"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7994"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}