As the entry title says, there’s only five more days until the happiest time of the year. Not for me anyway.
\nSure, I still got my health. And my parents. So I’m grateful for that.
\nCould be worse. Father could be in the war fighting terrorism. So I feel sorry for the families that can’t bring their loved ones home for Christmas.
\nBut… mine will still never be the same as the Christmas’ I had in the past.<\/p>\n
The past, when my grandparents were still alive, and the family wasn’t split apart over it. When we went over to grandma’s house on Christmas Eve. My cousins, being of course younger than me, were just kids back then. They wanted to fuck dinner and just rip open those presents ASAP, as badly as I did.<\/p>\n
I still remember when I wanted to jump up and hug everyone in the room, when I got my first 56K modem. To think a few decades later I would be sitting here making a blog post about it, using my cable modem.<\/p>\n
To want to bring back these happy, joyful memories, is pretty much my only Christmas wish. Even for a day. Just to relive them. But wishes never come true. And even if they do, they aren’t what you expect them to be.<\/p>\n
The joy was cut short due to that flu epidemic one year, making us all sick. We couldn’t go over there because of it. And the next year, my grandfather dies.
\nA few years later, my grandmother dies.
\nNow I have no grandparents, and the family has been split apart over due to grandpa’s death of what to do with the body.<\/p>\n
My cousins have probably grown up and moved out their house by now, to start their own families. As for me, I’m still doing what I’ve been doing for years… sitting infront of my computer all day, wasting away. Sometimes wishing god would just end my suffering and let me die in my sleep. Just to be with grandma again, to tell her how much I missed her.<\/p>\n
But the real thing I should be doing,.. what I’ve should have done a long time ago, is have my own family, and our own Christmas’ with my children and wife. To watch my kids carry on my never-dying Christmas spirit to their kids. You can’t bring back old memories, but you can create new ones.<\/p>\n
Sadly, the new memories are getting more and more … unpleasant. Soon I’ll reach a point that my spirit will die and not even put my tree up anymore, saying to fuck it. Last year was just about that breaking point. I’m the only one left with any remaining Christmas spirit in our existing family. A slowly… painfully dying spirit.
\nAlready, I feel Christmas Music being.. meh. Especially the fact it does get boring hearing an original song get redone 20 times by other singers. Or hearing the same damn song every year. There is epic songs that never get old, and then there’s the ones that do.
\nI’m actually starting to like Halloween music over Christmas. Probably because there’s no “Oh baby.. this Christmas isn’t the same without you holding me all night”. Love songs make me hurl.<\/p>\n
The only other living family members I got is my father’s brother and sister. But they live their lives and we live ours. Never again to enjoy what Christmas felt like years ago. I’ve pretty much grown out of wanting stuff. All I want is the family love we had.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
As the entry title says, there’s only five more days until the happiest time of the year. Not for me anyway. Sure, I still got my health. And my parents. So I’m grateful for that. Could be worse. Father could … Continue reading