{"id":7409,"date":"2019-09-07T13:41:33","date_gmt":"2019-09-07T17:41:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/?p=7409"},"modified":"2019-09-13T14:17:17","modified_gmt":"2019-09-13T18:17:17","slug":"apparently-love-has-very-little-limits-but-i-dont-really-feel-the-same","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/2019\/09\/07\/apparently-love-has-very-little-limits-but-i-dont-really-feel-the-same\/","title":{"rendered":"Apparently love has very little limits, but I don’t really feel the same"},"content":{"rendered":"

I was hoping never to make this post, as it feels embarrassing as hell (like other posts I’ve made of this nature). It’s also that feeling of “wanting to help” and “being pulled into situations you really don’t wanna be in”. …While not even sure if you actually feel strong feelings for this person as they feel for you (over what they put you through, by accident).
\nThat person.. was once my RP son; InsanelyFluffy. And now, he’s a part of the poly (and it wasn’t even my choice).
\nThe reason being, is he feels its to “protect” him from his former relationships. And what’s even worse, he seems to forget this is my<\/span><\/strong> poly (when he calls BlueBio, ours). Though maybe this is the true meaning of a poly (sharing your relationships with other members of the poly), instead of just a group of really close friends (as Aftershock told me).
\nBut this has been something he has wanted for long time.<\/p>\n

So, how did it lead to this? For starters, this has been going on since he started having a thing for Aftershock, and he hasn’t stopped wanting to feel loved. And because of this, he carries very heavy baggage (former relationships, the way he acts, etc).
\nThe latest that I was unfortunately forced to step in as his RP father (at the time), is JustinTheFireWolf. Since a lot of stuff happened with him (that is still ongoing to this
\nday, which is why I’m having to make this post), I won’t discuss what happened between a month ago to now.
\nAll I can<\/em> say, is Justin has been a pain in the ass since I first met him (even though he claims he’s trying to get better at socializing). Everytime he joins in (which to be honest isn’t that very often), it feels like he’s stalking us. Just yesterday, he was interfering of me hanging out with Cola. Felt I wanted to protect him from Justin (because he was being a bit too<\/em> friendly with him).
\nWe went to another world when Justin went AFK, only for him to follow us into this world. I was forced to create a private instance of the world and invited them all in, and told them about Justin. Nighwolf was with us, and he says that Justin’s stalking him as well.
\nI feel like blocking the guy, but yet I also feel that will do more harm than good. Spoke to Kovo about this, and he agrees.
\n–
\nAsked Nigh if he could take care of Justin for me, and all he told me is to “just block him”. Really? …Yes<\/strong><\/span>. Justin’s just a kid, and I knew this. The only thing I was worried about blocking him (other than having my reputation ruined), is him committing suicide. With this generation of kids, you never know.
\nBut Nigh assured me Justin isn’t going to do that. I’ve known Nigh for quite a long
\ntime, and I know I can trust his words. So I blocked Justin in VRChat.net. And so
\nfar, nothing’s happened to me.
\n—
\nAnyway, enough about Justin. Let’s go back to Fluffy. I’ve tried, desperately, to low him like the others in my poly… but he keeps reminding me of his troubled past. And honestly I would prefer he would go back being my son again. He was good as that role.
\nHe keeps doing the same things he has done before– using avatars with spammy
\nparticles, not wanting to use his mic (and if he does, I hear clapping or
\nsomething), dry humping Blue for hours (or who knows else). There are things that he has stopped doing (and I’m happy for that), such as no more sound changer. But his persona is still burned into my mind, of who he was in the past.
\nEverytime I see that purple wolf avatar.. I see my son. Every time I see him as a sergal.. I see my son. I cannot shake those memories out of my mind, as if my common sense is telling me “you know<\/em><\/span> this is wrong. He is your son<\/span>. You cannot simply forget that.” And it’s so right!! I want to tell him that, but I CAN’T!! I don’t want to break his heart!<\/p>\n

EDIT: Four days later, on a very hot September afternoon (on a somber day in America), I told him.. while he was still in school which was extremely dumb of me (as he did<\/em> take it wrong). But I’m tired of keeping this to myself. Thing is, I was originally going to talk to Aftershock about this (where he can talk to Fluffy in a calmer, understanding way). But at the time, Shock was dealing with his own drama (and I don’t know if he still is).
\nWhat made me snap and tell him, is I’m getting annoyed of him always being worried about something (another thing of his past). He was worried about Nighwolf (something about another friend of mine who got butthurt over wanting to hang with Fluffy instead of him). And Nigh dealt with it in a very mature manner (very proud of him acting like an adult.. unlike Fluffy).
\nThis is when I felt “I have to tell him. He has to know the truth.” And the truth is, there is no poly. There never was. All it is, is “friends with benefits”. That’s how it started (with Cola, then Red Fox and eventually BlueBio), and that’s how it has continued.
\nTo say I feel bad for Fluffy is an understatement. I really do, for giving him the wrong idea of what to expect. He wanted a true<\/span> polyrelationship, and now he realizes there was no actual poly (and is understandably upset with me). But it’s also his<\/em> fault for not hearing myself and Aftershock talking about it. He was in the same room (so was Blue), when I said “I’m not even sure if I should label it as a poly”.
\nI pray this doesn’t destroy his friendship with me, and he’ll understand what I’m trying to do. But if he leaves me (and\/or never speaks to me again).. then so be it as it’ll only prove he’s still that kid who’s desperate for love (and will go through any means to achieve it). Even though he might come back and be all “you’re right, I need to change”.. I have yet to see it all the times he claims he’ll change.<\/p>\n

EDIT2: He changed his name in Discord to “depressed”, deleted his profile picture, annnd got Kovo involved. Awesome!! Way to go, acting like an adult! \ud83e\udd26\u200d\u2642\ufe0f
\nI even promised I would try to love Fluffy like before, but he soooo wanted to be part of a poly. But how he got Kovo involved, surprises me. He used this line I said, and completely took it out of context;
\nKind of wish I could take back my words, and tell Aftershock only. Couldn’t tell Kovo as he doesn’t understand (nor care), plus he’s got his own drama to deal with.<\/em>
\nHe took the “nor care” part out of context, possibly thinking Kovo doesn’t care about him. That’s not<\/strong> what I meant at all!! When I meant “nor care”, I meant “he doesn’t care as long as you don’t get him involved”. Ugh.
\nKovo also says “You’re a good man” for saying that I’ve been having second thoughts. You have no idea how many times I wish either Fluffy would snap out of this and be my son again, or just.. how I wish I never met him. Because if he doesn’t stop and act normal… I may have to do the same thing I did with Justin– block him.
\nYet that has the near guaranteed ‘risk’ of having Aftershock and a few others, wanting to ‘talk’ to me about it.<\/p>\n

EDIT3: Surprise surprise, Fluffy’s talking to me again (as if nothing happened)– still calling me “hun”. Said he fully read what I said, and understands now. Good. There will be no more “poly” talk from me either. I will be calling it my “friends with benefits group” for now on (as it’s supposed to be).
\nHowever, he’s still saying “our Blue”. Looks like he didn’t exactly<\/span> read everything I said.\u00a0 So I kindly reminded him that this is my<\/em> group, not yours. He’s welcome to love them the same way I do, but there will be no<\/strong> “our X” of the members of my group. To
\nsay “our”, makes it sound like we own the person. So what part of “non-commitment” do you not understand there, Fluffy?
\nBut he understands now, and asks me to remind him again if he strays from that path.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I was hoping never to make this post, as it feels embarrassing as hell (like other posts I’ve made of this nature). It’s also that feeling of “wanting to help” and “being pulled into situations you really don’t wanna be … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[25,26,2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7409","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-drama","category-love-drama","category-personal"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7409","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7409"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7409\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7424,"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7409\/revisions\/7424"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7409"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7409"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7409"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}