{"id":6911,"date":"2019-05-07T12:32:43","date_gmt":"2019-05-07T16:32:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/?p=6911"},"modified":"2019-05-07T17:39:06","modified_gmt":"2019-05-07T21:39:06","slug":"i-dont-think-this-is-going-to-work-out-is-wuffer-purposely-ignoring-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/2019\/05\/07\/i-dont-think-this-is-going-to-work-out-is-wuffer-purposely-ignoring-me\/","title":{"rendered":"“I don’t think this is going to work out” \/ Is Wuffer purposely ignoring me?"},"content":{"rendered":"

This has truly been a shitty year for me, and it’s not even halfway yet.
\nAnother day of emotion, and this one had a lot.. to where I feel it’s not really going to work out with me and CybermutT. But I’ll get to that part, and this time it won’t be in spoilers.
\nLet’s begin, first with CybermutT (as it lead to trying to talk with Wuffer).
\n–
\n“I don’t think this is going to work out”<\/strong><\/em>
\nSo, I joined him with friends today. But one thing I noticed that was different, is it seems he was hardly paying attention to me. There were a few times where he did and I was happy, but for the most part, I saw him talking with friends. I tried to stay as close as I could with him, only for him to walk away from me. Every time, he walks away (as if I don’t exist in his life). Wtf. I couldn’t tell if he was ignoring me, or actually doing what I wanted and trying not to show others we were a thing.
\nThe reason I say this, is the day before yesterday, I didn’t really feel ashamed of him being near me. I didn’t care what they thought, I was happy. Yet yesterday, I didn’t feel happy. I felt alone (even while being surrounded by friends). Yet I felt these friends.. just.. meh. I feel I’m ‘below’ them in RL status. I look at them, and wonder which one was like me (and would understand what I’m going through). And every single one, wasn’t. They all had their lives, and friends.
\nSo even when I have friends, I still feel alone and wonder why they even are<\/em> friends (when I don’t listen to their advice (to change my life) when they try to help me).
\nThat’s why I wanted Cyber to come see me, and be with me. But.. he never did. He was too busy talking with others to even look around and see where I was.
\nOne time, I stood right infront of him….. and he walks away from me without even saying hi.
\n–
\nI do not think this is going to work out. I want, a lover. I want to feel appreciated, loved, respected. That day before, he did. Now.. what happened? ….Eventually I saw the
\nreason; he was with one of his other former BFs (and stayed with him instead of me). Cyber seriously needs to get his priorities straight. This open relationship of his, just isn’t going to work for me. I want a closed relationship. Yet, he still warned me beforehand of this. But at the time, I didn’t care; I was ‘in the mood’. Now, I do.. when he does this to
\nme, and fooling around with others (even though I’m not even his BF).
\nLove. sucks.
\n—————————
\nIs Wuffer purposely ignoring me?<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

With myself feeling that Cyber was ignoring me (again I don’t know if it was on purpose or by accident), I felt I should do the same and go see someone that once truly loved
\nme; Wuffer… even when it’ll be taxing on my poor, innocent CPU.
\nAka, he was at the VOLT Club, which is kind of unoptimized for VR. Went there, pressed my hand against the panel to gain access, and saw him hanging out with a few at the DJ booth. Went around the dance floor and attempted to clear my throat loudly in hopes he’ll hear me. He had his back turned, talking to them. Did it again, he never once heard me.
\nSomeone came up to him, who he ran off with. I followed them, hoping Wuffer would turn around and see me coming. The two ran into a private room and locked the door.
\nI let out a final throat clear and banged the door with my fist, extremely annoyed he did this to me.
\nI then looked around and saw a few people coming my way, and said “I got to get out of here” and made my way to the exit. I heard someone talking about the locked door as I finally found the stairs leading to the main door. Pressed the panel with my hand and
\nsaid “well Wuffer, if this is what you wanna do to me, why are we still friends?” Made my way out as someone walked through the vault door at the same time, feeling they clearly heard me on the other side of the door (but didn’t care).
\n–
\nFirst Cyber and now this. I was unsure if I wanted to continue playing, but I made my way back to the world where Cyber was (still annoyed at what Wuffer did), and hoped again he would see me. Fat chance. That’s when I said “I’m done”, and went to bed. There was one time where I again, stood right infront of him and waved my hands, and he turns
\naround, like he can’t see me.
\nYep, I’m done, and I’m going to tell him what’s on my mind (but without sounding whiny). It was nice, but I wanted something more– something he isn’t going to settle down and stay with one guy.. his IRL BF. But it’s not his fault, it’s mine. He warned me.<\/p>\n

.
\nDid tell Wuffer, and got a response. Said he wasn’t trying to ignore me, just that he was busy (yet he’s got plenty of time for VRChat, huh?). But, I apologized. He also said he never had time to send that USB 3.0 extender. But I ended up telling him “don’t worry about it. Thanks but no thanks. If I need one, I’ll buy my own.” I will explain my reasoning in my upcoming edit.<\/p>\n

EDIT: Cyber and I are done. And for the first time ever, he’s saying it in a way where I feel he’s calling it. When I told him how Wuffer loved me (even though he kept things from me just before we broke up), he said he doesn’t truly love me with the secrets he kept from
\nme (just because he’s ‘scared’ to hurt my feelings). And.. I have to agree with that.
\nAlmost makes me want to block him again… but, no. At least not now. Not until I hear something bad about him (so I can confirm nor deny the claims). In other
\nwords, I’m ‘keeping him around’ just so I can keep my eyes on him.
\nYou wanna know what’s laughable? ..Him claiming he wants to be a psychiatrist. Though I think he did<\/em> say he was planning to go to college in June.
\n–
\nThat unfortunately isn’t the only thing he said; he also made me realize my desperation isn’t fully gone as I thought it was. Simply saying “I want a relationship”, is a sign of desperation. No matter how much I deny it, I cannot. Literally telling him “I’m tired of feeling pathetic and sad”, is a sign of desperation (not to mention
\ndepression).
\nI have to do what Jusper does: stop wanting to be in a relationship. …But I can’t fucking HELP IT!! It isn’t<\/em><\/strong> going to die out, until I completely stop expecting things to work in my favor. And the only way that<\/em><\/span> is going to die out.. is to change not only my life, but the way I look at it. And that’s not<\/strong> happening. At least… not in VRChat. It might change IRL (when my parents pass away and I get placed in some house that’s not mine for the rest of my life). Who knows.
\nI’ve been spoiled nearly all my fucking life by my parents; no-one there to literally beat the shit out of me that life isn’t supposed to be handed, only earned. Not sure if I should blame my mental disability for that.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This has truly been a shitty year for me, and it’s not even halfway yet. Another day of emotion, and this one had a lot.. to where I feel it’s not really going to work out with me and CybermutT. … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[25,2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6911","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-drama","category-personal"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6911","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6911"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6911\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6918,"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6911\/revisions\/6918"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6911"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6911"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/benies-blogs.com\/general\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6911"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}